floating on a tidal wave

I'm a whirldwind of activities. I just can't stop. Doing doing doing. I'm addicted to exploring every kind of learning opportunity. Gahaman ako sa experience. And yet, it seems like kulang pa lahat. There's so little time to learn to do things. For example, I wanna learn more about the camera, about digital photo post-processing, about the technicalities and the art of photography. I wanna shooot shoot shoot and apply all I read about. Pero kulang ang bente cuatro oras.

Sometimes I shake myself up and remind myself not to spread my energies too thinly. Sometime, by just doing doing doing (work which take up 50% of my time, friendly encounters, photography, reading some good literature, household chores, family errands, writing, scouting for good music), I forget to take a deep breath and just think. It seems like I'm everywhere but nowhere at the same time. The funny thing is that this state called nowhere feels like home to me. That can be dangerous in a very dictatorial society but that can be quite all right if I assume a to-hell-with-all-your-shit mentality.

Am I ready to face the consequences of that thinking?

No updating for the past 3 months. Haaaaah. I've been quite busy.

July 9, 16, 23,30 FPPF Photog workshop

Symposium on Population and Development
July 29 Naga
August 12 Calamba
August 26 Tuguegarao
September 9 Vigan
September 23 Cabanatuan
October 14 Calapan
October 28 Baguio
November 11 Manila
November 25 QC

Trips were hectic but fun. Was able to do some shoots in Ilocos. Thank God! I think that in my past life, I was really from here. There's as sense of affinity I feel with the place. Must be because I speak Ilocano too and because my grandparents were from Vigan. I find myself at ease in Ilocos. I loved walking around alone, hearing Ilocano masses and grabbing yummy street foods as I went along. Too bad there was no time to go to Pagudpud or to visit the windmills in Bangui Bay. Those should make pretty interesting photographic subjects especially at sun-down. But then again, perhaps that warrants another trip. I hope next time I;ll be with rockin' friends and we'd be lolling around the beach developing gorgeous tanlines. Hah! Can't wait for that!



Click here for more More Ilocos Pics.

miracle drug

Listening to U2 while shoveling academic snow for an extra living helps me muster the thought of this prostitution. I think of my miracle drug in between marrying words; that lends beauty to an otherwise ordinary exercise.

I want to trip inside your head
Spend the day there...
To hear the things you haven't said
And see what you might see

I want to hear you when you call
Do you feel anything at all?
I want to see your thoughts take shape
And walk right out

Freedom has a scent
Like the top of a new born baby's head

The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've seen enough I'm not giving up
On a miracle drug

Of science and the human heart
There is no limit
There is no failure here sweetheart
Just when you quit...

I am you and you are mine
Love makes no sense of space
And time...will disappear
Love and logic keep us clear
Reason is on our side, love...

The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've had enough of romantic love
I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up
For a miracle, miracle drug

God I need your help tonight

Beneath the noise
Below the din
I hear your voice
It's whispering
In science and in medicine
"I was a stranger
You took me in"

Miracle, miracle drug

- Miracle Drug, U2

here, now

here, now

Sinatra songs, just like eating chocolate, make me sigh. And what apt weather to listen to smooth serenading and nostalgic lyrics than a rainy day. There's a kind of lull in the office today. Fina and Balbie have quit ICSI and it's gonna be a lot quiet here for a couple of months or more until the replacements will come. Even Anne has to go back to Amrica next month. Tanya, Ronna and I will be left with three empty desks. Balbie's stuff are still here because he still will be reporting for CAFIS but it's different when he's not around everyday (for us to make fun of? hehe). Kinda makes me think of my own career path. The quiet puts the question mark right in front of me again.

My transfering to a new apartment was a big step for me. This is the farthest I've gone in terms of planting roots. I have been in so many homes throughout my lifetime. I don't buy a lot of stuff, making sure that I only have the essentials so that it is easy to move around. Now, I've invested in double deck beds and kitchen appliances and utensils among other knick knacks. I like my new home but it's also a lot of work to make sure it is maintained well and supplies don't run out. Weekends are spent cleaning up or going on errands. I'm a bit apprehensive and scared that I'm getting attached to this lifestyle. In the future, I might think twice or thrice about transfering to a new job or applying for an MA abroad. Today is kind of more stable but more limiting. Funny thing is that I don't know if this is what I really want right now. I'm still trying to get used to it. And I'm enjoying the moment--something, unlike planning my future, I'm all too capable of doing.

I know the topic might bore some people but hey, it's another pdi piece with my by-line. Curious? (Click here)

Okay, nobody from the Inquirer emailed me. I was shocked when while waiting for our 7 a.m. ferry to Mindoro, Tristan grunted and pointed THIS out to me. Yayks. It is only now that I realize I shared something personal to the whole country. (Cringe!)

P.S. The Puerto Galera getaway was relaxing. There wasn't much activity as I had imagined but it was great to hang around the beach for two days. Thanks to the birthday girl, Elaine (mwah mwah). Now my only problem is that I am scorrrrched! I forgot to flip over while suntanning. How stupid is that! Haha.

Check out the mow-del pics.

I haven't gotten sick in a long time. So people shouldn't have been shocked when last Friday and Saturday, I was pissed because I had fever and diarrhea. Good thing there was no NFP session at Payatas to monitor. But man, to go back and forth to the loo around three times during the night can eat away energy fast. I wasn't able to eat because when I did, I just had to puke. I asked Majen who was going to Riverbanks to buy me some Gatorade. Only after then was I able to force some food into my system. I slept the whole day Saturday just so that I could go out in the evening, as promised, with lai and lani. We had to watch Balbie's band Lunchbox in their first gig at Blue Fin Katipunan (near Shell Select). They've been playing at Shade Bar previously. They'll be Saturday regulars at Blue Fin so check them out sometime.

Met Raf and some COA'04 assimilates like myself at Blue Fin and all of us had a swell time just talking on and on. Er... at least Lani, Lai and I did. I noticed, the three of us were the rowdiest, even more than the guys at the table who didn't drink much. It was so much fun talking about childhood games and bloopers, and how we were all disciplined as kids. Being the "small people" that we were, we talked about other people as well. We talked about school femme to femme sex scandals which made even the holiest of holies bite his lower lip. It was fun, one of the funnest nights-out with pseudo-strangers in a while.

Balbie and the band even played "Mr. Brightside" which I was only about to request then. They played it in the finale too, and they even played it better the second time around. If I were only drunk I think i would have screamed out loud and sang along. The song was a fitting way to end the night. Coz...

I just can't look
It's killing me!
And taking control!

Jealousy
Turning saints into the sea!
Turning through sick lullaby!
Joking on your alibi!
But it's just the price! I pay!
Destiny is calling me
Open up my ea..ger eyes...
I'm Ms. Brightside!
(emphasis added)

I am, all right.

Got the song stuck to my head (coming out of my cage...) right now. Still. It's actually not a very good song (and I've doing just fine...) if you thought about it (gotta gotta be down becasue I wanted it all). But it has this sing-able melody to it (tt started out as a kiss how could it end up like this). And it's a song you can hurl out your guts with (it was only a kiss, it was only a kiss!!!). Something you can really really headbang with, but only if you were durnk and could relate. Click here. I wanna share the LSS. Hehe. Tsk Tsk. Laro na nga lang tayo:

1. The tagged person has to come up with 8 different descriptions of their perfect lover.
2. He/she needs to mention the sex/gender of their perfect lover.
3. He/she must tag 8 more people to join this game and leave a comment on their comments saying they've been tagged.

I haven't done this, ever. List down things I'd want in a lover, that is. I think it's time I did. Perfect daw di ba? hmmm... Oh, and for the record, I like men.

1. Has a zest for life: Masarap kumain, Masarap tumawa. Hindi sinusubukang patayin ang sarili.
2. Smart: as in street smart. Tipong nagcocommute at alam kung paano umiikot ang mundo.
3. Caring and Unselfish: Someone who goes out of his way to cater to you.
4. Confident and Powerful: Marunong makipag-usap sa tao. Ayoko ng pakiyeme-kiyeme. Has a way of drawing out the truth in people but not in an outwardly demanding and usurping manner. Is aware of his limitations and insecurities but is okay with them. Makes do with what he has and is able to make person X do what he wants person X to do with person X being okay with it. (Shet. Polsci, kasumpa-sumpa ka)
5. Encouraging; Brings out the best in me and all the people around him.
6. Passionate: May mga katangi-tanging hilig, may pinu-pursue na kaalaman sa kahit na anong hilig. Musika, sana para astig.
7. Pero easy-going: Hindi dapat takot na bastusin ako (and i don't mean sexual pambabastos). Please naman, tama na ang mala-nanay na respeto. Ahehe. Someone who doesn't keep me at arm's length. Someone who has a calming presence. para hindi na ako lagi feeling gusto magyosi.
8. Kung hihirit sa looks: Mapanga, muscular pero lean, long-hair o kalbong may goatee.

Shet, mukha ngang tall order ito. Asa pa ako.

***
Okay, better snap out of this Mr. Brightside LSS. But then again, this is better than hearing Manny P's "Para Sa Iyo" over and over again in your head. Wehe! I have this as my morning alarm by the way. Something for daily inspiration. "Hindi ako susuko... Isisigaw ko sa mundo. Para sa iyo, ang laban na to..." Ulol. Hahaha.

Unlike most people, I like hospitals. There is a certain kind of rush when I see doctors in their immaculate white jackets, whisking past each other. Doctors. clean-looking intellectuals. People with able minds and able hands. I have this inexplainable fixation with doctors. I think that the only thing that prevented me from being one myself is that when I was younger, I didn't want to jump into the bandwagon by asnwering "doctor" to the what-do-you-want-to-be-when-you-grow-up Little Miss Philippines question. I wanted to be cooler than that. So I said I wanted to be a writer, a journalist, a film director, or a volcanologist like them long-haired bespectacled geeks in X-files. But still, that fascination with life-saving medical practitioners hasn't wavered. I kidded my parents whom I was accompanying to be checked up at USTH that I should hang out at hospitals more often. Who knows? Maybe I'll be able to meet a young, ravishing, good doctor someday to marry.

Of course, I was only joking. That was to get the tension off from everybody. My dad has a lump in his left breast. And it might be CA. Of course we're hoping for the best but I'm bracing myself for the worst. That would have to mean I'll have to grow up fast. Operation will be scheduled on February and from then on, mine and my family's life can drastically change. Taking two weeks off to take care of dad as he will be restricted to travel until after fifteen days shows the only tip of the iceberg. So far, though, I'm taking things practically. I'm even writing this down so I'll not be scared of it. It's harder, I think, if I keep these all in. This is the way I am, I guess, always the pragmatist. Although I'd prefer to be softer as the need arises, when people need me to be weak than strong. When people need more comfort than the logistics being well taken care of. When people need kind words than a run-down of what needs to be done, a hug more than fidgeting over things and physically putting things in order.

I am sooooo badly in need of your prayers.

"Being alone: there's a certain dignity to it." -- Janet Livermore (Singles, 1992)

Last night was great. The moon was full and had an ominous look to it. Rising slightly above bald tree branches, it looked like a cat's eye which alluded to evil forebodings. Yet, i found comfort in its yellow sleepy glow. I kept a steady pace, my breath exhaling thoughts even I couldn't comprehend. I stopped only to stretch my legs or when my cellphone radio's music supply didn't fit the upbeat thumping of my trainers against the hot asphalt road. Then I just walked and tried to stride past my insecurities.

To be dripping wet, you feel a sense of being cleansed. It's physical catharsis. And when all energy are spent, thoughts go with them. It's mental purging as well. And when finally cool water courses through your bloodstream, that's where the real work begins. One by one, information gets sorted and tucked into labelled drawers inside your brain. Instant defragmentation. It only takes about an hour.

blah-ness and fridays

I hate fridays. On fridays, endless possibilities lay in front of you and you only have to choose. You have to choose what to do, where to go, whom to be with. I hate having to choose. Especially when i'm not presented with any choices and I'm supposed to draw out the options myself. (No more regular friday prayer sessions. No more badminton nights. Nobody asks you out. No friends to invite you, no money to spend. Get my drift?) I'm boring that way, but what the hell. Why is there a socially constructed rule that people ought to have a good time on fridays, whether it be going out with friends, watching a movie, talking over coffee, barhopping or just enjoying you night at home? Bottom line is, why is there great pressure to enjoy oneself on fridays? Why can't people just have a blah time on fridays? On fridays, you just have to feel good. The blahness you might feel will actually be heightened by the fact that you're feeling blah on a goddam friday! I don't get it. It's unfair. Too much pressure for my solitary self to handle. Bllaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!

of shoes and men (part two)

I raise my hand to salute all the women who can pull off walking in three-inch heels.

This morning I went to Dusit Hotel to attend the Population Congress hosted by UNDP and the Population Comission. It was the first time that I wore my three-inch navy pumps which I bought on sale from Wade last month. I am not too keen on high heels but Lloyd and Vane egged me on to buy 'em. Anyway, at first I was strutting on feeling very confident but I had a sick feeling the confidence won't last long. I was right.

First, I had to walk from my tita's condo to the kanto to ride a jeep. I had to walk about two blocks and it was even raining. Then I had to board a shuttle and because it was 8.30 already, the line and the wait were long. Then I made the stupid mistake of not asking the driver whether or not he'd reach EDSA from Ayala. The shuttle turned left at Mandarin and so I had to walk from there to Dusit. By the start of the Conference I already had blisters and my calves hurt.

The conference wound on and I tried to listen, keeping in mind that I might be able to use something for an article eventually. I finished covering the morning session, had lunch and then decided to head back to the office. As usual, my kakuripotan surpassed the discomfort I was feeling so I took the mrt to cubao then I took a taxi from there to ICSI.

Inside the cab, I got on to thinking, for the second time, that shoes aren't any different from men. Aside from the impossibility of finding the perfect fit (see previous post, just scroll way down), shoes are also like men in that most goodlooking ones don't treat you right. You'd just wanna show them off to emphasize certain assets or to mask particular flaws. But then, when nobody's looking, you kick them off under the table to rest your gnarled feet. And then you go back to pretending you're happy with them. You raise your chin up and try not to look worried or pissed.

The most comfortable ones, those that you choose wearing over and over again are the ordinary looking kind. They've been with you at work, when you go shopping at divi, when you go for out of town trips. They may look grubby and overused but they're very dependable and can be trusted. To you they're very special.

Now there are also attractive shoes that are really comfy. When you chance upon something like these, grab them because you might not find anything like it ever again! Buy them, that is if you have what it takes to afford them. Usually, these kinds are very rare and pricey. Often, you're required to save up and shape up for it. Dapat bagay ka rin para dito.

Hmmm...Funny how I appreciate shoes and like window shopping for them but never really buy them. I know all their kinds and how they are called. I know where the really bad ones are. I know where to get the cheap but comfortable ones. I know which stores are high in style but low in quality. I know where to get shoes with the best quality and the best styles. And yet, and yet I don't really buy them. I just look and scrutinize, not really being able to wear them. Wait...I just had an epiphany (think: ray of light spilling upon my shoulders).

I don't know squat about shoes! I can't categorize some things as this or that without ever wearing them, without experiencing them, can I? Hmmm.. Troubling thought. Especially if shoes were really like men. Come to think about it, I don't know squat about men either. I can't categorize them as this ir that wothout ever being with them, can I?

Maybe it's time to quit this window shopping business and really get into it.

shucks, december na next week

i swear, if i hear bon jovi's "bed of roses" one more time i'm gonna puke. hearing it four times this weekend was enough to make me nauseous. majen and i had a racketeering expedition to maradondon, cavite yesterday and almost all the buses and jeeps and fx we boarded played the song. see, we had to conduct an fgd with the elderly. it' a phase for a study which will aim to propose a non-contributory pension scheme for senior citizens. we have already completed two and we still have to do two more. and then we have to transcribe the tapes and do the reports. melai volunteered to help so i guess this project is gonna progress relatively smoothly.

icsi just had a staff meeting and becasue of the success of chayie's m.o. birthday bash, i've been assigned head organizer for the event! harharhar. i don't mind the extra work as long as everybody will have a jolly good old pee-in-you-pants kind of fun. today, there were five of us wearing pink and so somebody decided that the other pink peeople will comprise the committe. i just hope i won't run out of creative ideas. i'm gonna set a planning meeting on wednesday. i'm actually quite excited. :P hihihi.

my calendar is filling up more than ever. i think i have to slowly let it sink in that things aren't gonna be the same. i should focus now on what i really want to do. there's been so much time wasted dilly-dallying. i realize that once i decide on pursuing my masters this summer, there won't be any turning back. i will be laying the foundations of my chosen career. of course now, i'm learning a lot and i'm being trained but that point onwards will be the official beginning of my self-directing my life. it's quite scary honestly but i have to take life in full stride because if i don't... i don't know... i guess, i just don't want my life to be composed of airy useless pockets of time and loose ends.

toxic

I'm beat. Kakatapos lang ng team-building na inorganize ko for our NFP Payatas team. Hay...kakapagod pero masaya tsaka nakakatuwa kasi at least nabubuo na talaga ang team. Nasa groping to growing stage palang kasi ang programa at madaming hadlang at balakid na kailangan mapagtulung-tulungang buwagin para sa mas mabilis na paglago at paglawak ng nito. Mas madami pa ngayong gagawin pero at least alam namin kung saan nanggagaling ang bawat isa sa grupo at alam na namin kung saan namin gustong pumunta bilang isang grupo. Magkakaroon ng isang malaking tipun-tipon ang lahat ng NFP users sa Payatas sa Disyembre. At ako ang halos gagalaw para dito. Magkakaroon din ng planning seminar sa Enero. At ako uli ang halos gagalaw para dito. Pamatay ang magiging logistics pero oks lang. Excited pa nga ako. Sana lang hindi ako mawindang...

Dumaan ang linggong ito nang napakabilis. Naayos ko na ang monitoring forms, na-update ko na ang database. Natapos na din ang article namin nina Chayie at Fina para sa Intersect. Natapos na din yung Reflection guide namin nina Manay at Balbie. Kung anu-ano pa ang mga ginawa kong logistical at admin work. Super toxic this week pero mas gusto ko ang ganito kasi nararamdaman ko na nababanat ako at tumutubo kahit papaano.

Naramdaman ko nanaman ang presensya ng Diyos sa lahat ng mga ito. Kakaiba kasi para sa akin mas nararamdaman ko Siya kapag madami akong ginagawa kaysa kapag nakatanga lang ako. Matapos ang tahasan at kusang pagwawaksi sa Kanya para makita ko pa ang ibang perspektibo at pananaw, ang pananaw ng may naghihikaos na pananampalataya, (ewan ko, ambisyosa kasi ang writer side ko. gusto ko maranasan ko lahat), nandiyan pa rin Siya. Makulit at ipinapaalam ang presensiya Niya. Hindi ko alam kung tatanggapin ko na. Tingin ko hindi pa ako nababad sa mundo ng may naghihikaos na pananampalataya. Nakapagpaalam na naman ako sa kanya na iiwanan ko muna Siya nang sandali. Eto Siya at nangungulit. Siguro kailangan ko lang aminin na mas ako ako kapag kinikilala ko ang pagprepresensiya Niya.

bokia

I wasn't able to concentrate on Let's Fun last night. The ex texted and ate up most of my listening time. Thank God it was a sober conversation. We talked about work, kjwan, his girlfriend, and how I apparently needed and deserved someone with high IQ because it's very difficult to know what I want and need. That was meant to be a compliment I know beacause a few more compliments came after that within the same message but somehow I felt lonely. Gee thanks but I think I'm cursed, I say.

Connection. That is always the problem. I've been told I'm too serious. Twice. First by the ex and second by the person I least want to be too uptight with. Call it the Jerry Maguire syndrome, the This-is-how-I'm-made bull. Call it the Virgoan trait, the good-at-friendships-bad-at-relationships excuse. I really have difficulty initiating and sustaining connection and that's the cold truth.

I say, the problem with me is that I don't flirt. The ex says I don't have to put up too much effort. Someone will come and fit into my "system" and I into his and when that time comes flirting and putting the best foot forward would only seem superfluous and absurd.

Well that's just it. I've been living with the same belief for years that's why nothing ever happens. The worse part about this is not that I don't have someone. The worse part is that I get into thinking that something must be fundamentally wrong with me.

Dammit, I traded the fun in Let's Fun for all these crap. It's like I pooped at my own party.

bus-lag

My eyes hurt. I just arrived from Aparri this morning after a twelve-hour bus ride and I haven't slept a wink because that damned emc bus I rode had malfunctioning aircon. The shutters were gone, torn down by God knows who. In effect, no one could adjust the thermostat. I had to slip pieces of paper inside the holes and i had to crumple tissue paper and stick them in to block the cold cold draft. The seats were so uncomfortable I was shifting position all the time. Buses to our place usually come with big lazy-boy type chairs. But sometimes when you're irresponsible enough to put off reserving a ticket until the last minute, you get stuck with the old buses with old shocks and you piss yourself off in the process. And now I'm having this horrible headache and all I wanna do is just hit the bed.

But it's wasn't that bad... They aired The Longest Yard and for two hours I actually enjoyed the ride. Hehe. Nothing better than the testosterone-laden, violent, racist, sexist, sarcastic brand of comedy. Too bad I had to stifle my laughs into tiny snickers. I bet everybody was doing the same thing. Oh and they played good music too. A lot of alternative OPM and acoustic pieces.

Spent most of today making phone calls and arranging things for the team-building seminar and the FGD's I'm preparing. Checked up the trainers, met with colleagues for our intersect article (deadline is Friday!!!), checked and answered mail. Et cetera. Oh and there's a new guy from Germany in the office. He'll be here for about a month to do some research on the urban poor for his dimploma course in Germany. He looks really European with the longish brownish blond hair. He is awkwardly tall, way taller than Tanya. Of course we talked to him but he spent most of the day cooped up at Ronna's desk reading. Oh well, he has plenty of time to get used to ICSI kakulitan.

I think I'm gonna change my work schedule again from 8 to 8:30. I graduated first honor this month for tardiness. I was late a whopping 3 hrs. and 59 min! Shyieet! Promise, mababawasan na yon ng todo. Hihi.

***
There's not much to tell about the long vacation. Finally read Murakami's Dance Dance Dance. Spent much of my time in the drugstore and in bed. Surprisingly there were a few of my friends who went home or they were hiding just like me. I wasn't in the mood at all those days. Stayed home and didn't text anyone. Didn't even greet acquaintances when I saw them along the street. Weird feeling. Hope I'll be in a more jolly mood come Christmas break.

Tick tock tick tock says the clock...