bokia

I wasn't able to concentrate on Let's Fun last night. The ex texted and ate up most of my listening time. Thank God it was a sober conversation. We talked about work, kjwan, his girlfriend, and how I apparently needed and deserved someone with high IQ because it's very difficult to know what I want and need. That was meant to be a compliment I know beacause a few more compliments came after that within the same message but somehow I felt lonely. Gee thanks but I think I'm cursed, I say.

Connection. That is always the problem. I've been told I'm too serious. Twice. First by the ex and second by the person I least want to be too uptight with. Call it the Jerry Maguire syndrome, the This-is-how-I'm-made bull. Call it the Virgoan trait, the good-at-friendships-bad-at-relationships excuse. I really have difficulty initiating and sustaining connection and that's the cold truth.

I say, the problem with me is that I don't flirt. The ex says I don't have to put up too much effort. Someone will come and fit into my "system" and I into his and when that time comes flirting and putting the best foot forward would only seem superfluous and absurd.

Well that's just it. I've been living with the same belief for years that's why nothing ever happens. The worse part about this is not that I don't have someone. The worse part is that I get into thinking that something must be fundamentally wrong with me.

Dammit, I traded the fun in Let's Fun for all these crap. It's like I pooped at my own party.