So many things happening all at once. Three close friends just got hitched; I'm given more and more responsibilities in the office; which I like since that means they respect and trust my work; I just got accepted in a diploma multimedia journalism course in a reputable Asian institution; I'm really getting into more personal interactions with friends and family. The general feeling is good, warm, light--buoyant even. I began being aware of this state a couple of months ago and it occurred to me that the feeling was so weird. I'm not used to this kind of lightness. I panicked. It is only when a lot of baggage is lifted from you that you begin to feel so free there's no reason not to be able to do the things you want to do anymore. It's like my life opened in front of me so vastly it was scary. I couldn't deal with the vacant feeling. In my gut i was thinking, okay, what now? Needless to say, it was another big panic attack and I grew nauseous and I wanted to vomit and spit out everything from my gut.
But I got used to the state, slowly. I got so used to it that even if I was on the verge of feeling depressed, my optimistic side automatically kicked in without being summoned. Like last Friday night. I was working overtime with my team in the office but looking forward to seeing my college friends who were having dinner in a nearby apartment. I thought since we were working on the documents for 2 days now, there was a chance we would finish by 9 pm. Unfortunately, some component reports came late so we had to just take them and work on them as best and as quickly as we could. I was in my full working mode and when I am in that mode I am like a possessed animal. My officemates could not even bother me with dinner. They went down to eat while I ratted away really wanting to finish by 9...10....10:30...anytime earlier than 12 which would give me enough time to see my college friends even for just 30 minutes. It did not happen. I finished by 11.30 which is about the same time my friends went home. I had just received word about my ACFJ acceptance that same evening, I was happy to get the work done, but I was so tired and a bit lonely that I did not see my friends. God, I wanted even just a bottle of beer and a smoke with someone. I wanted to cry.
Aside from when I witness something totally amazing and surreal that I'd like to hug someone, when I am physically and mentally tired is my moment of weakness. It is these times of depletion that I remember things and people I shouldn't already. I grabbed some food at McDonalds and smoked at the building steps after. It was already past midnight and the streets were empty save for a few call center agents who were smoking in a parking space across. I was in one of those rare times that I wished someone would pick me up because they wanted to, because they cared. It was those times that I thought of someone I shouldn't be thinking of anymore because that's exactly what he used to do and would be doing had life turned out differently.
I hailed a cab and texted a friend. I found comfort in telling her my ACFJ news and in her elated response. When I got home, I washed up and crept in bed. The next day at 7 am, I was on my way to one of my closest friend's wedding in Subic with Lai and my former workmates. It was a beautiful day. I truly enjoyed it. It felt like the last night did not happen.
