in a flux

it seems like i'm in a flux. too many things happening all at once can get very annoying. but, because my tolerance level is high, i'm still alive and sane. after the booklaunch, and shooting for projekt desap and sipmag in between preparations, after accompanying lolo jack to receive his special citation on a cmma lifetime achievement award and going through two hours of edsa traffic later, after learning that 50% of our office staff would have to be retrenched in march 2008, me included, after all that in a span of a week, i went to anilao batangas with 3di to do some test shots with the new olympus 790 sw underwater camera. my photos and my personal take of the camera are -->here<--

but if you're gonna ask me which of the photos i took in anilao explains the whole experience best, it would be this:



anilao was supposed to be an escape. but it turned out to be me being forced to face things that were long set aside by self-imposed iteneraries.

because i'm feeling nostalgic, i'm reposting this article. can't find it anywhere in cyberspace anymore... more than a year after i wrote this, all i can say is that i'm now experiencing joys and pains, i'm convinced, that can only come from loving. :)

Waiting
(first published at the Youngblood section p. A11 of Philippine Daily Inquirer 03/11/06)

Boredom characterizes the world of young people today. “Bored” is used in everyday parlance to denote a feeling of lack of purpose. When a person is bored, it probably means that she is in a withdrawn and lethargic mood, trying to let the day pass by hoping the next will be different. I am usually very bored.

I work in a research and advocacy institute. And although the work is good, I often find myself wondering what I can do to make my life more exciting. Lately I have gotten myself into the habit of joining some friends in a nightcap after work just to fill my days. But that tends to sap away energy not to mention funds from my already sorry excuse of a savings account.

So I dabble in all sorts of fields, trying to find something that will strike a chord in me. I like music, particularly rock music, but not enough to work at a recording studio, not enough for me to learn how to play a guitar or any musical instrument, not even enough to own an iPod or even original CDs which are very expensive especially now that pirated ones abound.

I like reading but not enough to join book clubs, not even enough to read a book everyday.

I like to write but not enough to enroll in writing classes, not enough to closely observe real people for fear of getting in too deep into their psyche and be drowned by these.

Like reading, I like writing but not enough to even write everyday.

I like to cook and in fact, have been praised by family members because of nifty tricks with edible material. However, I am not driven enough to want to complete a short course in it, to cook more frequently for my housemates, not even enough to stop buying fast food.

I like tennis, badminton, kickboxing, teakwondo and judo but not enough to want to be really good at them.

My boredom puts me in a quandary and it gets me into thinking whether I am in the right job, the right set of friends, the right locale, even the right country. I admire my boss who seems to be really into his work and who seems to enjoy life even in the very ripe age of 82. I wonder how people who have become experts at their fields come to be who they are. Were they gripped by an undeniable enchantment to their particular vocations?

Fr. Pedro Arrupe, SJ, the former Superior General of the Society of Jesus wrote, “What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything.”

I guess this is what I am waiting for, to be smitten by something that I won’t be able to say no to. Yes, I am waiting to be able to fall in love.

But then, isn’t this just a very deterministic excuse to my inaction? What happens if I never fall in love? Then that would mean that my life will be like an absurdist play. I will be waiting for my Godot, that something that will never come. Everyday will only be a pointless routine with only accidents and disasters to mar an otherwise smooth progression of time.

Maybe I only have to choose. Many people, afterall, were thrust into jobs which were not their choosing and yet they excelled in these because they chose to. Perhaps my refusal to finally make a choice only shows my cowardice. Maybe, like finding a lifelong partner, I only have to settle with something that is always there and always good to me but which I am not always good at. I only have to grit my teeth and try to be better.

Now that I get on to thinking about this, maybe falling in love with a certain vocation, or even in general, is overrated. What’s more important is to love. Both are not the same thing. To fall in love involves a very heady feeling that can taper off as time flies and certain chemicals like phenylethylamine and endorphins produced in the body wear off. Loving, on the other hand involves consistent actions. It is because of love, not falling in love, that people gain purpose in life. It is in love, not falling on love, that makes things happen. Some would point out that falling in love is a requisite for loving. But this is like a chicken or egg question. It can be the other way around too.

I am nearly 23 years old. While some of my colleagues and friends are either building careers or families, I am still waiting to fall in love. Maybe it’s time I get a move on and be of more use to this world. Maybe I should just love.


Diana Jean V. Moraleda, 22, works as a research assistant at the Institute on Church and Social Issues

surfacing


October is a busy month for me. Aside from arranging the launch of the popdev monograph, I've recently joined a photo workshop slash project to document the lives of families of desaparecidos or those who have been victims of enforced disappearances. We're only halfway through but it's been two great weeks. I'm apprehensive but also very excited to do the actual shoot. Hope I'll be able to help by doing the job well. More posts about it in the weeks to come.

Meanwhile, here are photos of projekt desap volunteers (workshop teachers and students)goofing around during breaktime.




More workshop photos by hiraya here.

the great divide


*cebu city, 9:00 ng umaga.

more than passion

more than passion

"In the beginning of desire one is consumed with wanting to be aflame with that desire. When one becomes inflamed however, one just becomes extinguished. The trick is to find out what desire and sex can lead you to apart from just flame and passion."

- Rica-Bolipata Santos
Love, desire, children, etc. Reflections of a Young Wife, Milflores Publishing 2005

My Intersect July-August issue article on sex, the youth, marriage and responsible parenthood has been chosen to be uploaded at teenfad.com. This is my second article to be re-published here. Read full article.

the big two four

my big two four


I'm not going to post any deep birthday reflections coz i really don't have that much. Today, I turned 24 and it has been the biggest non-event of the year. When I woke up I more or less decided I was going to have a crappy day. My gameplan was to be obnoxious to anyone who wishes me well. There's just something so disconcerting about being the most broke in your whole lifetime on your 24th birthday. I used to think that 24 is such an momentous age in one's life. When I was young, I imagined myself to be hip, successful and living the life at age twenty-four. For me, this age is the best age anyone can be in. Not 18, not 25, but 24 signals the real beginning of life. But no, here I am living the estudyante lifestyle as I have been doing in the last seven years. I don't feel old at all. In fact, I feel that I'm so young it's objectively scary.

My gameplan failed. People were so enthusiastic and giddy about today it was infectious. Generally, happy people creep me out. But I think I needed happy people to lend sanity to today. And although I was in no capacity to treat those that I love and appreciate(my horoscope even said so: Diana Jean's Daily Virgo Forecast: It's not wise to share your resources today -- you don't have enough to go around.), I still found ways not to sweat it and just smile. People understood anyway and yes, they will be keeping tabs coz I promised I'll treat them with kegs of beer once I win the lotto.

Besides, this is another reason to smile today. Doug Savage, my favorite cartoonist, greeted me on his Savage Chickens sticky notes cartoon. Yay!!!


At first I thought it wasn't me but when I checked last year's birthday cartoon, I realized I announced it was my day that time. This year Doug remembered. It's actually very exciting. I love Savage Chickens. Can't not have my daily dose of Doug's sarcastic, cynical and absurd wit.

My only wish for this year (aside from one good set of knives, a Northface audrey jacket in mustard, a Lowepro Compu Daypack, prime lens and a good cheap Rangefinder...haha, kidding!) is that I live to be more compassionate, that I reach out sincerely to others more often, that I be braver, more optimistic and kinder, that I be more organized, productive and less of a procrastinator, that I be determined and more passionate about what I do. I heard mass today and I realize I miss my faith. I hope to be more desiring of God's love this year. How can I be passionate about everything else and not on Him? There has been something amiss this past year and I hope I can get back to knowing and loving God.

Thanks to all you people who have made living worthwhile. I truly appreciate you being in existence with me here, now.

fat rain

fat rain

when you feel defeated and are about to puke, dirty sinks unexpectedly remind you of what you ought to do

AAAAAAAARGH



This photo has been invited to partcipate in a Flickr photo contest called "Charity in Focus". The winners of this photo contest and honorable mentions will be exhibited at Icosahedron Gallerie in New York City on July 20 to 22. I should be delighted. However, stupid me browsed through the comment on my Flickr page three weeks ago, procrastinated reading more intently and replying, and went on doing other things. It is only a few nights ago that I was able to digest the significance of this invitation. Alas, the contest is closed. There were 300 plus enties. And they were to diplay some 80. My photo had a frickin’ chance to be hung on a New York wall! The sorry situation in Payatas had another frickin' chance to be made known to many. But I blew it.

I was depressed for a bit until Milan called. I ranted to him what happened and he said, he had a hunch why I did not reply to the invitation immediately. He adamantly stated that it's because I am not sure of my abilities and subconsciously couldn't believe and accept that I am capable and deserve to be noted (internationally) for my work. I gave a thought to that and shook my head, no, I was just so damn… scatterbrained to focus on something I am doing at any particular moment, that's all. Next time I need to pay more attention.

But then, Milan's words kept hanging above my head. I realize he may be right to some extent. See Milan, Lai and I are at the cusp of being catapulted into, possibly, a very lucrative business. It will involve me taking photos. Whereas both of them are very giddy about it, I'm the one who displays hesitation most of the time. Not that I don't believe it will succeed. I do. It’s a very nifty idea actually, and things are being done about it. People have been spoken to. MOAs were signed. In a month, this idea will come become a reality. However, I try not to be too excited about it, I think, to the dismay of my comrades (in style? Haha).

I find that, as in my other relationships, I have paced myself with my involvement with photography. I've been treading lightly lest I trip. I've been trudging along enjoying the tranquil mood lest I crash and burn. This is my way of doing things. Sometimes though, situations call for another approach. Lai tells me, jump the gun, bite the bullet. At their best times, most successful people did not know what they were doing half the time (Harry Potter too—he said so himself in Order of the Phoenix). Almost always, if you're lucky, the universe conspires to hand you opportunities on a golden platter. If you're not, there will always be people to help.

So from now on, I will try a different approach. The fast life may not suit me always but I guess this new project entails an active, unreserved, forward-looking and tenacious madness towards greatness. I will not let my creativity be stilfled by my insecurities, reservations and self-imposed naivete. I will not fear success.

cowness

Today went smoothly well. I was productive at work. Plugging into good music helped me concentrate--oldies but goodies lent life to an artificially cool afternoon. The night ended with preparations of client folders and Cynthia Alexander. I was prepared to head back home and immediately engage in some tyding up (my apartment desk and my life). As I was ambling down the gate 2.5 overpass, I sneaked a peek at Jollibee and thought soup might do me good. Not that they serve good soup. It's just that it's the closest and fastest way to drink soup. My throat was still scratchy from the weekend's flu. I needed soup but I still gave dinner with real soup and real people a chance. I messaged lai to implicitly ask whether she'd like to have dinner. I dashed to National bookstore to wait for her reply.

Nothing really interested me much among the rows of fiction except "The Fountainhead" by Ayn Rand. It looked interesting especially that the protagonist is an architect (I have this long-standing fascination with architects). I rounded up the contemporary fiction section and found myself shuffling through poetry. Rio Alma's book with artwork by Ang Kiukok engrossed me for a while. My peripheral vision prompted me to shift my gaze upward. That's when I saw Lemony Snickets. I shifted my gaze back down. I wasn't sure if it was really him. He was directly accross me, too close. Just a chest-level shelf of paperbacks separated us. I stole a peek again. This time I was surer. It was him.

The short crop, the gray polo and slacks fooled me for a bit. It was a far cry from the longish hair and "estudyante" clothes I was more used to. I pretended to examine the splash of colors in front of me. I had a feeling he saw me and that he knew I saw him. But I couldn't get myself to acknowledge his presence and pretend I was surprised to see him. Not that Lemony Snickets and I have a history. For those who do not know him, here's a PREVIOUS POST ABOUT HIM. It's just that he's a nice person and is my epitome of a what-if. Anyway, I bit my lip as he moved away, hesitated for a millisecond at my row and then probably decided I was not worth the effort of a hello. Argh. Why does a woman always have to do the first move? And why do I have problems with that? It's just a stupid friendly hi. I couldn't even do it.

Lai had not yet replied, I figured she was asleep in preparation for a night of thesis-writing (or Wimbledon). I left the bookstore with a 180 degree scan of the place. Lemony Snickets was no longer in my visual range. Fifteen minutes later as I was heading home, I uttered an entire block's worth of obscenities to myself. If it weren't for the take-out food I was lugging, I would have whacked my head numerous times. I. am. such. a. cow.

LIGHTALK SHOOT

This morning I accompanied Lolo Jack and the Jescom crew to tape interviews for Bishop Tagle's talkshow, Lightalk, which airs Sunday nights at 11:00 pm on ABC-5. It was a productive morning despite a set-back on our way to Payatas. The lightsman forgot to bring the hotshoe for the tripod and we had to wait for someone from Jescom to bring it over while we waited along Commonwealth.

Lolo Jack wanted me and the NFP trainers to talk on-cam but the slant of the segment was just on him being a pioneer on teaching NFP to local communities. It's just as well because I'm camera shy. Haha. They just took some footages of me and the trainers conducting a meeting. It's sort of an Yeeha! and an Ugh! I'm both curious and scared about how I register on-screen. I definitely prefer to be behind the lens. That is why I took some photos of the production.

cj, the segment producer, helps the camera man set framing, white balance and exposure

kuya chito, the cameraman

fr. jack's staging a meeting

fr. jack's interview

a pregnant mother being interviewed -- 5 kids and 1 on the way did not take away her sense of humor. she's funny!

I enjoyed the morning. It reminded me of my young dreams of becoming a journalist. While on the way, the crew and I were seated at the back of the van with all the equipments and I was thinking to myself how fun it must be to move around and produce documentary or news segments. People in there may be used to and even get bored of this stuff already. For me, it was an exciting peek into their world, somewhere I wanted to be once and won't mind doing some times in the future.

i want you

Oh my baby baby I love you more than I can tell
I don’t think I can live without you
And I know that I never will
Oh my baby baby I want you so it scares me to death
I cant say anymore than I love you
Everything else is a waste of breath
I want you
You’ve had your fun you don’t get well no more
I want you
Your fingernails go dragging down the wall
Be careful darling you might fall
I want you
I woke up and one of us was crying
I want you
You said young man I do believe youre dying
I want you
If you need a second opinion as you seem to do these days
You can look in my eyes and you can count the ways
I want you
Did you mean to tell me but seem to forget
I want you
Since when were you so generous and inarticulate
I want you
Its the stupid details that my heart is breaking for
Its the way your shoulders shake and what theyre shaking for
Its knowing that he knows you now after only guessing
I want you
Its the thought of him undressing you or you undressing
I want you
He tossed some tatty compliment your way
I want you
And you were fool enough to love it when he said
I want you
I want you
The truth cant hurt you its just like the dark
It scares you witless
But in time you see things clear and stark
I want you
Go on and hurt me then well let it drop
I want you
I’m afraid I wont know where to stop
I want you
I’m not ashamed to say I cried for you
I want you
I want to know the things you did that we do too
I want you
I want to hear he pleases you more than I do
I want you
I might as well be useless for all it means to you
I want you
Did you call his name out as he held you down
I want you
Oh no my darling not with that clown
I want you
You’ve had your fun you don’t get well no more
I want you
No-one who wants you could want you more
I want you
Every night when I go off to bed and when I wake up
I want you
I want you
I’m going to say it once again til I instill it
I know I’m going to feel this way until you kill it
I want you
I want you

-- "I Want You" Elvis Costello

* Ouch, this is so raw and beautiful. I can't find the Costello video on Youtube. But there's THIS. Just minimize the window if you're not a Nightmare Before Christmas fan. I love the part when Costello's voice cracks in the middle of the song. There's also an excellent Fiona Apple cover embedded below although I like the original version more. I never tire of listening to the song. It's just amazing.

Fiona Apple cover

little miss sunshine

me, you
square peg, round hole
you, me
air swooshes through
something is amiss

okay... enough of that. at least this fim made me happy tonight.

LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE

This is my favorite part of the film. Photography-wise it's just right. The way the photo shows depth and scale. It tells the story: how Dwayne is so far removed from his family, how he is untouchable, how he is willing to turn his back from all of then. Despite his Nietzche-induced brain, he realizes he can't escape familial ties and no one rarely does. Dramatically, this is where I cried. It's a turning point. Dwayne realizes he is color blind and thus can't join the air force, a dream he has been harboring for a long time. It's the reason he has taken a 9-monthlong vow of silence. At the knowledge that all his efforts have been for nothing, he breaks down, makes incomprehensible sounds and, upon getting off the VW family bus, screams out and expletive -- his first spoken word in the film.

I like this part also because Dwayne reminds me so much of my brother Paul. I think that if he had a goal like Dwayne has in the movie, he'd also commit to a vow of silence. He rarely even speaks nowadays not ever to my mom or dad. Sometimes he does to me but after a while, the magic is gone. I could not, for the life of me, understand his indifference at the world at large. I'm the eldest, he's youngest. Eight years apart is enough for me to see him grow up. We held hands while we slept when he was still a baby. We still do sometimes, when I am in a playful mood. He pulls away now of course. It's kinda embarassing for you big sister to keep pestering you with sweet nothings. Like little miss sunshine, I do not talk, I just lean my head on his shoulder and hope, like Dwayne, he says "I'm okay now."

you know you're a backpacker when

you know you're officially a backpacker when....

1. you spend weeks of trying to build an itenerary for a three-day trip to Bicol and end up deciding to "wing it" a night before depature
2. you book the cheapest hotel possible and eat the cheapest meals possible
3. your cam's battery runs out when you reach mayon
4. you travel long distance by van, jeep and tricycle and do not get a back-ache at the end of the day
5. you sleep at the house of your college teacher's parents-in-law and encourage them to put up a bed and breakfast ala sonya's garden sans the snootiness
6. you travel another two hours
7. you swim with the butandings
8. you don't eat lunch just so you can swim with the butandings
9. you do not rent fins because you've run out of money
10. you do not get to watch the 5km long dance of the fire flies becasue you do not have any more money
11. you do not buy mineral water because your cash is just enough to get you to the next atm
12. you travel another two hours
13. you sleep at the living room of your best friend aunt's house
14. you have to wash your clothes because you're running out of clothes too.
15. you travel two hours by van, two hours by boat and 30 minutes by tricycle via rough rolling and tumbling terrain so that you can get to pure shores, island hop the whole afternoon and watch a local bikini open
16. your tricycle driver deserts you in the middle of nowhere at 8pm
17. with three other stupid girls, you rent another trike and ride back to town on a trike amid rolling and tumbling terrain --> hello campbell! good think we didn't put melai's pappi's advice to good use (read: when you hear gunshots, duck!)
18. you laugh out loud after reaching civilization, talk a while and get to sleep mid-sentence
19. you head back to the city (another 4 hours which involves being carried by men from the boat to the shore)
20. you reach the terminal to find out buses are fully booked, you finally get a ride but are hesitant to leave

you say goodbye to the bestest friends you've spent an adventure with (they're staying longer for official business). you settle on your seat, look back and realize you have just had one hell of a freakin' good time! here's to more backpacking trips in the future. ;P

One day, isang araw, ako'y nag-trolley, baw.

Last tuesday, Manay and I accompanied applicants of the Landas ng Pag-Asa scholarship from Payatas to take their entrance exam at ERDA Tech in Pandacan, Manila. In order to save travel time, all ten of us used the "metro walk", a semi-secret passage through the PNR tracks that cuts accross Teresa St. in Sta. Mesa and reaches Pandacan. It was my first time to ride the trolley. I am amazed at how inventive Filipinos can get. Without this route, we would have to go to Quiapo first and then ride a bus to Pandacan, which will take around two hours as opposed to an hour taking the LRT, a jeep and the trolley.

The conditions of the people were so depressing. Shanties were so close to each other. It seems that the residents were mostly tambays, killing time watching trolleys pass by. There were a lot of kids playing around and even more adults just talking to each other or sharing gin bulag or tanduay. I was trying to capture some of this through my point and shoot but a companion said, "Ate, itago mo yan. Ang sama ng tingin sayo." All I got then were these shots and every one of them were "hail marys".

It's very disturbing to witness conditions like these, much less to live like this. It's ironic that people here live right smack at the physical center of the metro but live also at its social margins.