because i'm feeling nostalgic, i'm reposting this article. can't find it anywhere in cyberspace anymore... more than a year after i wrote this, all i can say is that i'm now experiencing joys and pains, i'm convinced, that can only come from loving. :)

Waiting
(first published at the Youngblood section p. A11 of Philippine Daily Inquirer 03/11/06)

Boredom characterizes the world of young people today. “Bored” is used in everyday parlance to denote a feeling of lack of purpose. When a person is bored, it probably means that she is in a withdrawn and lethargic mood, trying to let the day pass by hoping the next will be different. I am usually very bored.

I work in a research and advocacy institute. And although the work is good, I often find myself wondering what I can do to make my life more exciting. Lately I have gotten myself into the habit of joining some friends in a nightcap after work just to fill my days. But that tends to sap away energy not to mention funds from my already sorry excuse of a savings account.

So I dabble in all sorts of fields, trying to find something that will strike a chord in me. I like music, particularly rock music, but not enough to work at a recording studio, not enough for me to learn how to play a guitar or any musical instrument, not even enough to own an iPod or even original CDs which are very expensive especially now that pirated ones abound.

I like reading but not enough to join book clubs, not even enough to read a book everyday.

I like to write but not enough to enroll in writing classes, not enough to closely observe real people for fear of getting in too deep into their psyche and be drowned by these.

Like reading, I like writing but not enough to even write everyday.

I like to cook and in fact, have been praised by family members because of nifty tricks with edible material. However, I am not driven enough to want to complete a short course in it, to cook more frequently for my housemates, not even enough to stop buying fast food.

I like tennis, badminton, kickboxing, teakwondo and judo but not enough to want to be really good at them.

My boredom puts me in a quandary and it gets me into thinking whether I am in the right job, the right set of friends, the right locale, even the right country. I admire my boss who seems to be really into his work and who seems to enjoy life even in the very ripe age of 82. I wonder how people who have become experts at their fields come to be who they are. Were they gripped by an undeniable enchantment to their particular vocations?

Fr. Pedro Arrupe, SJ, the former Superior General of the Society of Jesus wrote, “What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything.”

I guess this is what I am waiting for, to be smitten by something that I won’t be able to say no to. Yes, I am waiting to be able to fall in love.

But then, isn’t this just a very deterministic excuse to my inaction? What happens if I never fall in love? Then that would mean that my life will be like an absurdist play. I will be waiting for my Godot, that something that will never come. Everyday will only be a pointless routine with only accidents and disasters to mar an otherwise smooth progression of time.

Maybe I only have to choose. Many people, afterall, were thrust into jobs which were not their choosing and yet they excelled in these because they chose to. Perhaps my refusal to finally make a choice only shows my cowardice. Maybe, like finding a lifelong partner, I only have to settle with something that is always there and always good to me but which I am not always good at. I only have to grit my teeth and try to be better.

Now that I get on to thinking about this, maybe falling in love with a certain vocation, or even in general, is overrated. What’s more important is to love. Both are not the same thing. To fall in love involves a very heady feeling that can taper off as time flies and certain chemicals like phenylethylamine and endorphins produced in the body wear off. Loving, on the other hand involves consistent actions. It is because of love, not falling in love, that people gain purpose in life. It is in love, not falling on love, that makes things happen. Some would point out that falling in love is a requisite for loving. But this is like a chicken or egg question. It can be the other way around too.

I am nearly 23 years old. While some of my colleagues and friends are either building careers or families, I am still waiting to fall in love. Maybe it’s time I get a move on and be of more use to this world. Maybe I should just love.


Diana Jean V. Moraleda, 22, works as a research assistant at the Institute on Church and Social Issues