AAAAAAAARGH



This photo has been invited to partcipate in a Flickr photo contest called "Charity in Focus". The winners of this photo contest and honorable mentions will be exhibited at Icosahedron Gallerie in New York City on July 20 to 22. I should be delighted. However, stupid me browsed through the comment on my Flickr page three weeks ago, procrastinated reading more intently and replying, and went on doing other things. It is only a few nights ago that I was able to digest the significance of this invitation. Alas, the contest is closed. There were 300 plus enties. And they were to diplay some 80. My photo had a frickin’ chance to be hung on a New York wall! The sorry situation in Payatas had another frickin' chance to be made known to many. But I blew it.

I was depressed for a bit until Milan called. I ranted to him what happened and he said, he had a hunch why I did not reply to the invitation immediately. He adamantly stated that it's because I am not sure of my abilities and subconsciously couldn't believe and accept that I am capable and deserve to be noted (internationally) for my work. I gave a thought to that and shook my head, no, I was just so damn… scatterbrained to focus on something I am doing at any particular moment, that's all. Next time I need to pay more attention.

But then, Milan's words kept hanging above my head. I realize he may be right to some extent. See Milan, Lai and I are at the cusp of being catapulted into, possibly, a very lucrative business. It will involve me taking photos. Whereas both of them are very giddy about it, I'm the one who displays hesitation most of the time. Not that I don't believe it will succeed. I do. It’s a very nifty idea actually, and things are being done about it. People have been spoken to. MOAs were signed. In a month, this idea will come become a reality. However, I try not to be too excited about it, I think, to the dismay of my comrades (in style? Haha).

I find that, as in my other relationships, I have paced myself with my involvement with photography. I've been treading lightly lest I trip. I've been trudging along enjoying the tranquil mood lest I crash and burn. This is my way of doing things. Sometimes though, situations call for another approach. Lai tells me, jump the gun, bite the bullet. At their best times, most successful people did not know what they were doing half the time (Harry Potter too—he said so himself in Order of the Phoenix). Almost always, if you're lucky, the universe conspires to hand you opportunities on a golden platter. If you're not, there will always be people to help.

So from now on, I will try a different approach. The fast life may not suit me always but I guess this new project entails an active, unreserved, forward-looking and tenacious madness towards greatness. I will not let my creativity be stilfled by my insecurities, reservations and self-imposed naivete. I will not fear success.

cowness

Today went smoothly well. I was productive at work. Plugging into good music helped me concentrate--oldies but goodies lent life to an artificially cool afternoon. The night ended with preparations of client folders and Cynthia Alexander. I was prepared to head back home and immediately engage in some tyding up (my apartment desk and my life). As I was ambling down the gate 2.5 overpass, I sneaked a peek at Jollibee and thought soup might do me good. Not that they serve good soup. It's just that it's the closest and fastest way to drink soup. My throat was still scratchy from the weekend's flu. I needed soup but I still gave dinner with real soup and real people a chance. I messaged lai to implicitly ask whether she'd like to have dinner. I dashed to National bookstore to wait for her reply.

Nothing really interested me much among the rows of fiction except "The Fountainhead" by Ayn Rand. It looked interesting especially that the protagonist is an architect (I have this long-standing fascination with architects). I rounded up the contemporary fiction section and found myself shuffling through poetry. Rio Alma's book with artwork by Ang Kiukok engrossed me for a while. My peripheral vision prompted me to shift my gaze upward. That's when I saw Lemony Snickets. I shifted my gaze back down. I wasn't sure if it was really him. He was directly accross me, too close. Just a chest-level shelf of paperbacks separated us. I stole a peek again. This time I was surer. It was him.

The short crop, the gray polo and slacks fooled me for a bit. It was a far cry from the longish hair and "estudyante" clothes I was more used to. I pretended to examine the splash of colors in front of me. I had a feeling he saw me and that he knew I saw him. But I couldn't get myself to acknowledge his presence and pretend I was surprised to see him. Not that Lemony Snickets and I have a history. For those who do not know him, here's a PREVIOUS POST ABOUT HIM. It's just that he's a nice person and is my epitome of a what-if. Anyway, I bit my lip as he moved away, hesitated for a millisecond at my row and then probably decided I was not worth the effort of a hello. Argh. Why does a woman always have to do the first move? And why do I have problems with that? It's just a stupid friendly hi. I couldn't even do it.

Lai had not yet replied, I figured she was asleep in preparation for a night of thesis-writing (or Wimbledon). I left the bookstore with a 180 degree scan of the place. Lemony Snickets was no longer in my visual range. Fifteen minutes later as I was heading home, I uttered an entire block's worth of obscenities to myself. If it weren't for the take-out food I was lugging, I would have whacked my head numerous times. I. am. such. a. cow.

LIGHTALK SHOOT

This morning I accompanied Lolo Jack and the Jescom crew to tape interviews for Bishop Tagle's talkshow, Lightalk, which airs Sunday nights at 11:00 pm on ABC-5. It was a productive morning despite a set-back on our way to Payatas. The lightsman forgot to bring the hotshoe for the tripod and we had to wait for someone from Jescom to bring it over while we waited along Commonwealth.

Lolo Jack wanted me and the NFP trainers to talk on-cam but the slant of the segment was just on him being a pioneer on teaching NFP to local communities. It's just as well because I'm camera shy. Haha. They just took some footages of me and the trainers conducting a meeting. It's sort of an Yeeha! and an Ugh! I'm both curious and scared about how I register on-screen. I definitely prefer to be behind the lens. That is why I took some photos of the production.

cj, the segment producer, helps the camera man set framing, white balance and exposure

kuya chito, the cameraman

fr. jack's staging a meeting

fr. jack's interview

a pregnant mother being interviewed -- 5 kids and 1 on the way did not take away her sense of humor. she's funny!

I enjoyed the morning. It reminded me of my young dreams of becoming a journalist. While on the way, the crew and I were seated at the back of the van with all the equipments and I was thinking to myself how fun it must be to move around and produce documentary or news segments. People in there may be used to and even get bored of this stuff already. For me, it was an exciting peek into their world, somewhere I wanted to be once and won't mind doing some times in the future.

i want you

Oh my baby baby I love you more than I can tell
I don’t think I can live without you
And I know that I never will
Oh my baby baby I want you so it scares me to death
I cant say anymore than I love you
Everything else is a waste of breath
I want you
You’ve had your fun you don’t get well no more
I want you
Your fingernails go dragging down the wall
Be careful darling you might fall
I want you
I woke up and one of us was crying
I want you
You said young man I do believe youre dying
I want you
If you need a second opinion as you seem to do these days
You can look in my eyes and you can count the ways
I want you
Did you mean to tell me but seem to forget
I want you
Since when were you so generous and inarticulate
I want you
Its the stupid details that my heart is breaking for
Its the way your shoulders shake and what theyre shaking for
Its knowing that he knows you now after only guessing
I want you
Its the thought of him undressing you or you undressing
I want you
He tossed some tatty compliment your way
I want you
And you were fool enough to love it when he said
I want you
I want you
The truth cant hurt you its just like the dark
It scares you witless
But in time you see things clear and stark
I want you
Go on and hurt me then well let it drop
I want you
I’m afraid I wont know where to stop
I want you
I’m not ashamed to say I cried for you
I want you
I want to know the things you did that we do too
I want you
I want to hear he pleases you more than I do
I want you
I might as well be useless for all it means to you
I want you
Did you call his name out as he held you down
I want you
Oh no my darling not with that clown
I want you
You’ve had your fun you don’t get well no more
I want you
No-one who wants you could want you more
I want you
Every night when I go off to bed and when I wake up
I want you
I want you
I’m going to say it once again til I instill it
I know I’m going to feel this way until you kill it
I want you
I want you

-- "I Want You" Elvis Costello

* Ouch, this is so raw and beautiful. I can't find the Costello video on Youtube. But there's THIS. Just minimize the window if you're not a Nightmare Before Christmas fan. I love the part when Costello's voice cracks in the middle of the song. There's also an excellent Fiona Apple cover embedded below although I like the original version more. I never tire of listening to the song. It's just amazing.

Fiona Apple cover

little miss sunshine

me, you
square peg, round hole
you, me
air swooshes through
something is amiss

okay... enough of that. at least this fim made me happy tonight.

LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE

This is my favorite part of the film. Photography-wise it's just right. The way the photo shows depth and scale. It tells the story: how Dwayne is so far removed from his family, how he is untouchable, how he is willing to turn his back from all of then. Despite his Nietzche-induced brain, he realizes he can't escape familial ties and no one rarely does. Dramatically, this is where I cried. It's a turning point. Dwayne realizes he is color blind and thus can't join the air force, a dream he has been harboring for a long time. It's the reason he has taken a 9-monthlong vow of silence. At the knowledge that all his efforts have been for nothing, he breaks down, makes incomprehensible sounds and, upon getting off the VW family bus, screams out and expletive -- his first spoken word in the film.

I like this part also because Dwayne reminds me so much of my brother Paul. I think that if he had a goal like Dwayne has in the movie, he'd also commit to a vow of silence. He rarely even speaks nowadays not ever to my mom or dad. Sometimes he does to me but after a while, the magic is gone. I could not, for the life of me, understand his indifference at the world at large. I'm the eldest, he's youngest. Eight years apart is enough for me to see him grow up. We held hands while we slept when he was still a baby. We still do sometimes, when I am in a playful mood. He pulls away now of course. It's kinda embarassing for you big sister to keep pestering you with sweet nothings. Like little miss sunshine, I do not talk, I just lean my head on his shoulder and hope, like Dwayne, he says "I'm okay now."

you know you're a backpacker when

you know you're officially a backpacker when....

1. you spend weeks of trying to build an itenerary for a three-day trip to Bicol and end up deciding to "wing it" a night before depature
2. you book the cheapest hotel possible and eat the cheapest meals possible
3. your cam's battery runs out when you reach mayon
4. you travel long distance by van, jeep and tricycle and do not get a back-ache at the end of the day
5. you sleep at the house of your college teacher's parents-in-law and encourage them to put up a bed and breakfast ala sonya's garden sans the snootiness
6. you travel another two hours
7. you swim with the butandings
8. you don't eat lunch just so you can swim with the butandings
9. you do not rent fins because you've run out of money
10. you do not get to watch the 5km long dance of the fire flies becasue you do not have any more money
11. you do not buy mineral water because your cash is just enough to get you to the next atm
12. you travel another two hours
13. you sleep at the living room of your best friend aunt's house
14. you have to wash your clothes because you're running out of clothes too.
15. you travel two hours by van, two hours by boat and 30 minutes by tricycle via rough rolling and tumbling terrain so that you can get to pure shores, island hop the whole afternoon and watch a local bikini open
16. your tricycle driver deserts you in the middle of nowhere at 8pm
17. with three other stupid girls, you rent another trike and ride back to town on a trike amid rolling and tumbling terrain --> hello campbell! good think we didn't put melai's pappi's advice to good use (read: when you hear gunshots, duck!)
18. you laugh out loud after reaching civilization, talk a while and get to sleep mid-sentence
19. you head back to the city (another 4 hours which involves being carried by men from the boat to the shore)
20. you reach the terminal to find out buses are fully booked, you finally get a ride but are hesitant to leave

you say goodbye to the bestest friends you've spent an adventure with (they're staying longer for official business). you settle on your seat, look back and realize you have just had one hell of a freakin' good time! here's to more backpacking trips in the future. ;P

One day, isang araw, ako'y nag-trolley, baw.

Last tuesday, Manay and I accompanied applicants of the Landas ng Pag-Asa scholarship from Payatas to take their entrance exam at ERDA Tech in Pandacan, Manila. In order to save travel time, all ten of us used the "metro walk", a semi-secret passage through the PNR tracks that cuts accross Teresa St. in Sta. Mesa and reaches Pandacan. It was my first time to ride the trolley. I am amazed at how inventive Filipinos can get. Without this route, we would have to go to Quiapo first and then ride a bus to Pandacan, which will take around two hours as opposed to an hour taking the LRT, a jeep and the trolley.

The conditions of the people were so depressing. Shanties were so close to each other. It seems that the residents were mostly tambays, killing time watching trolleys pass by. There were a lot of kids playing around and even more adults just talking to each other or sharing gin bulag or tanduay. I was trying to capture some of this through my point and shoot but a companion said, "Ate, itago mo yan. Ang sama ng tingin sayo." All I got then were these shots and every one of them were "hail marys".

It's very disturbing to witness conditions like these, much less to live like this. It's ironic that people here live right smack at the physical center of the metro but live also at its social margins.

Last Sunday was spent with fellow 3diers as we listened to Mr. Gil Nartea and Mr. Luis Liwanag, both acclaimed photojournalists, talk about photojournalism and street photography.

Tata Gil, the rock and roll photographer of the Philippines teaches photojournalism at UP and shoots for the ABS-CBN publications group. He is formerly the chairman of Philippine Center for Photojournalism and is currently into street photography.

Identifying and exposing "organized chaos" in everything he sees, Luis Liwanag works for Newsbreak Magazine and is working for national daily broadsheets and numerous International photo wire agencies like AFP, AP and World Press Photo, among others.

It was truly an honor that they, despite hectic schedules, took time to be with the club for half a day, telling us stories and sharing their tips on this field. Mr. Nartea and Mr. Liwanag showed us some of their reportages as well. A critique of the 3diers' photos was done after the forum. This part took some time but both were so patient and enthisiastic in giving their comments. We were in high spirits during the small salo-salo simply because it was truly inspiring to hear from these pioneer photographers.

It was an important event for me, personally, as I am currently trying to explore my options in photography. Aside from travel photography, I am also drawn to taking newsworthy photos and taking photos on the streets. When I was younger, I used to want to be a journalist but that dream got sidetracked. My family discourgaed me because of the low pay and long sometimes dangerous hours that went with the profession. Also, I am always on the streets. My work and my very nature just can't seem to put me in one place. I am always on the go, riding and walking around the metro. Every "lakad" is a feast for the eyes as I am drawn to a lot of elements around. Even before I started to know about photography, I was always trying to frame things in my mind. On occassions, I even used my fingers as viewfinders. The photo sthat Mr. Nartea and Mr. Liwanag showed were tugs to my heart. They spoke to me more than photos of product or sports activities do. They spoke to me in ways I cannot explain or even comprehend at this point.

***
We also had the privilege to meet Akira Liwanag, Mr. Luis Liwanag's son, on the event. Akira, only 15 years old, takes great photos and is already a budding photojournalist himself. View his photoblog and be amazed by clicking this.

what's in a name?

I discovered this write-up when an online friend told me there's a toy camera named Diana. The review is a very thought-provoking one. Now I'm really thinking hard. Am I, in a lot of ways, a Diana camera?


"What are Diana cameras? really?... They are pretty crappy cameras, a toy camera, a carnival camera, a promotional camera, a cheap camera.

So whey all the hubbub bub? Why is it that I see people going gaga over this piece of crap toy camera and paying upwards of 100-200 U.S. for one? Well... we really don't know...we think they must be rich people that have money stuffed in their mattresses. But seriously, there is no marketing genius out there filling our heads with fuzzy pictures with vignetted edges... and it isn't as if they are that hard to find, even though they have been out of production for a quarter of a century.

The fact of the matter is that the mystique of the diana cameras come from her faults, its technical disabilities, its light leaks, its vignetting, and of course that cute blue top, all make up her charm. Perhaps one of the main reasons why they can be so pricey are because they are one of a kind, no other camera makes images just like a Diana camera.

What would seem to be the biggest bit of information that people just aren't aware of is that even though we affectionately call them all "Diana cameras", there are in fact dozens upon dozens of cameras with differnt names. Even though their names are different, there are some that are built the exact same way.

Why then do we call them all "Diana cameras"? most likely because cameras with the name "Diana" on it were the most common one distributed around the world, particularly in North America where an infux of photographers used the "Diana" cameras for creating photographic artwork. Other than that it must be just a collector thing, people must have a genuine Diana camera, not a clone or imitation. So from here on in, you should be aware that when I refer to "Diana cameras" I am in fact also referring to her many sisters and clones.

We at toycamera certainly wouldn't put up our noses at the sight of a "Windsor", "tru-view", "Stellar", or "Anny" camera, we know its one in the same, the same crappy toy camera as the Diana. Why then all the different names for the same camera? It is not likely that there was any real genius from the folks at the Great Wall Plastic Co. they sold different cameras with different names depending on where they were shipping them to, or would put on the logos of companies to be sold as promotional items. They were given away at carnivals for prizes and sold on convenience store racks.

Just like a bad horror movie, the Diana camera has several sequels and spin-offs. Some of these include the "De Luxe" version of cameras that shoot 6x6 cm negatives complete with hot shoe, 127 TLR's, 120 TLR's, and of course the "Flash" versions of cameras that come with a cheap plastic flash unit. So you are on the lookout for a Diana camera, what should you look for? Well if it isn't clear yet, DON'T LOOK FOR A DIANA!!!, look for one of her clones, for a complete list of names see this link

Also, be aware that many Diana cameras are built for use with 620 film, which differs from 120 only little, but can make life difficult if you want to use it with 120 film.

As a last note, there is no better way to find out about a Diana camera than to get one and experiment with it and above all HAVE FUN WITH IT!!! After all it is a toy camera, if you take it too seriously people might try to lock you up in the looney bin..."

- http://www.toycamera.com/cam/diana.html

long time no post

Long time since I posted here. Heck, long time since I posted anwhere else. Good thing I brought emmet along with me to work last Sunday in Payatas. At first I thought it was going to be like any other work weekend. But then I was struck by the kids playing at the playground within the Sta. Maria de la Paz chapel compound.

These kids are beautiful. I got to see where they live. Their parents are mostly scavengers at the dumpsite nearby and it's amazing how they, despite conditions unconducive to their holistic development, still manage to have lots of fun. There's no joy compared to experiencing children's innocence and mirth. It is because of the potentiality of personhoods that keeps me, and I bet many of us in the development field, going and going and going.



Click here for more photos!

Last Wednesday, I got a call from Ateneo Alumni Association asking whether of not 3di can cover the blessing of their new office at Bellarmine and the induction ceremonies of a new set of board of directors at Moro. After talks with Clem and Giselle, Giselle and I finally accepted to shoot the event pro bono. It was a new experience for both of us. Although Giselle and I had limited equipment (we didn't even have a speedlite! and the light was difficult to handle in some parts of the venue), we made do with what we had and just alotted extra time after to edit the photos. AAA says they need the solo shots of the board for their website. I hope what we were able to come up will suffice. This is what giselle and I looked like tonight while fixing the stuff:



That's giselle (left) and moi (right). Thanks to kalen for goofing around and taking this photo. Hihihihi. Cuuuute.

*the photo hunt was a lot of fun. To view my humble harvest, click this.

hello, what took you so long?

hello, what took you so long?

At long last... I now have Emmet, my Canon EOS 400D, that is. Yehey! Got him from Quiapo yesterday after three attempts (a month) of trying to buy him through someone who gets big discounts and long payment terms in Quiapo. It turned out that I had to buy Emmet myself, because buying him through a three-month term was just not in the stars for me. I won't even try to explan why. Long story. Let's just say that some people are meant to let you down, even thrice, if they can't help it. I had to resort to my own resources and efforts and got Emmet at an even lower price albeit in cash. After entering the wrong atm card and consequently entering the wrong atm pin three times out of excitement, after a dozen jeepney rides around town just to get the damn moolah over the counter, I got my hands on my baby. Now I'm practically broke, and trying my damndest not to mind.

Shot this earlier on my way home. Need to practice more through. Photohunt is on Saturday. Can't wait!



*the holidays were more sober than those of yore. it's as if people had their fix of downers. nevertheless, the bleakness this year doesn't take away the fact that jesus is born and he is still here, now.

*took a hodgepodge of photos in aparri. click here to view.

For me the camera is a sketch book, an instrument of intuition and spontaneity, the master of the instant which, in visual terms, questions and decides simultaneously. In order to "give a meaning" to the world, one has to feel involved in what one frames through the viewfinder. This attitude requires concentration, discipline of mind, sensitivity, and a sense of geometry. It is by economy of means that one arrives at simplicity of expression.

To take a photograph is to hold one's breath when all faculties converge in a face of fleeing reality. It is at that moment that mastering an image becomes a great physical and intellectual joy.

To take a photograph means to recognize - simultaneously and within a fraction of a second - both the fact itself and the rigorous organisation of visually perceived forms that give it meaning.

It is putting one's head, one's eye, and one's heart on the same axis.

-- Henri Cartier-Bresson

I tell you: I will always remember this pain -- how difficult it was to keep on searching for someone else when I already found you.

--"To someone who has bever been caught" by Edgar Samar

the pacquaio mystique

Was able to get to Quiapo in time for the final minute of the cable broadcast of the Pacquiao-Morales fight. It's amazing how the whole nation stops to watch Manny slug it out with every oppenent he meets. Call it the Paquiao Mystique. I'm baffled. Scary how he can even be the next president.

*Photos may appear too dark on your screen. I have not calibrated Nigel yet. Boohoo. Mental note to self: check Nigel's monitor calibration.