Corazon C. Aquino (1933-2009)

More than being a symbol that this country needed to depose a dictator and restore democracy, more than being a president who dissolved a puppet parliament, banished corrupt judges and abolished a dictatorial constitution, I appreciate Cory for being a woman of honesty, humility, courage, intergity, grace, love and faith. Aside from Mary, the Mother of God's and my own mother's there are only a few whose womanhood I truly admire and Cory's is one of them. It's not every day that you see someone who, despite being beset by human grief, lack of experience and a thick air of uncertainty, prayed, decided to take on her life's ultimate challenge-- that of running a country--and said, "Thy will be done." As the president, she may have made crucial albeit honest mistakes which still affect Filipinos today, but the biggest mistake would have been not saying "Yes." (photo by michael j. scott)

Mental Exercises of the Sleepless Kind:

Freedom and doing what you want

Akalain mong ang laki pala ng Tondo? Pangalawang linggo ko na sa bago kong proyekto. Umiikot nanaman ako sa buong Kamaynilaan, ngayon naman sa pagsusurbey at pagkukuha ng litrato ng mga pre-war architecture. Ito'y para sa Manila Heritage Project ng Institute of Philippine Culture na naglalayong gumawa ng baseline data at libro tungkol sa mga nalalabing istrukturang kolonyal sa buong Kamaynilaan.

Yung Binondo madali lang ikutin dahil laking-Binondo ako. Para san pang galing ka sa isang pamilya ng mga negosyanteng Instik na maya't-maya'y kailangan bumili ng paninda sa Divisoria nang bultuhan? Pero yung Tondo, mediyo nawindang ako sa laki at sa layo ng mga assignment naming bahay sa isa't-isa. Nalakad ko na ata ang lahat ng distrito ng Tondo at di na paaawat ang aking pag-itim. Call it the Tondo Tan. Daig ko pa ata ang mga Mormon Missionary sa walkathon e! Hehe, hindi naman yata. Exagerrated. Pero kung nakita lang ng nanay ko ang aking when-in-rome-do-what-the-romans-do garb, ang aking mala heroes-in-a-nutshell look sa laki ng aking backpack, at ang malaking ngiti na naglalaro sa aking mukha, walang duda-- and unang itatanong niya sa kanyang sarili ay kung saan nga ba siya nagkamali.

Hindi ako nagpapakabayani. Hindi ko sinasabing astig ang ginagawa ko. Sa tingin ko, mas madami pang ibang tao na nagpapakabayani sa kanilang mga cubicle bilang mga computer analysts, financial experts, call-center agents at lalung-lalo na ang mga extrepreneurs. At least sila mukhang tumutulong sa pagpapaunlad ng ekonomiya ng bansa. Nangyari lamang na ganito ang aking pagkatao, na hindi mo ako mapipirmi sa isang office space. Na hindi ako kahit kailan magiging siyentipiko o doktor. Nagkataon lang na mas marunong akong makinig, makipag-usap at mag-obserba ng iba't-ibang klase ng tao upang makakuha ng impormasyon para sa report na gagamitin sa paglikha ng isang batas o programang panlipunan, halimbawa, kaysa mag-solve ng mathematical problems para sa pagpapatayo ng isang tulay na magiging biyaya sa mga nakatira sa isang malaking probinsya sa Kabisayaan. To each his own. May nunal lang siguro ako sa talampakan.

Kailanman, hindi ako yung tipong bahay-school-bahay. Pagkatapos ng klase, kung hindi ako naglalaro ng agawan-base, basketball o volleyball sa aming paaralan, naka-backride ako sa tricycle ni Uncle Bert, baon ang aking walkman at ilang cassette tapes at nagjo-joyride hanggang alas otso ng gabi habang siya'y namamasada. Si Uncle Bert ang sundo kong tricycle mula Grade 3 hanggang 2nd year highschool. Nung tumanda na kasi ako, mediyo mas cool nang magpasundo sa tricycle ng anak niyang si Violybert. Kulay itim kasi ito. Minsan tumatambay kami ng mga kakase ko sa isang bahay kumakain ng Chippy na ibinabad sa suka. O kaya namamalagi lang kami sa tabing ilog na amoy ebak ng tao pero huwag ka nalang huminga dahil maganda naman ang view. Ganon. Wala naman maireklamo ang aking mga magulang dahil kahit ginagabi ako sa pag-uwi, naghuhugas parin ako ng pinagkainan namin sa hapunan! At alam din naman nila kung ano ang kulay ng medalyang naiuuwi ko tuwing Marso. Hehehe.

Nung isang linggo, natulog ako sa kwarto ni Lai. Wala lang, kinailangan ko lang ng change of scenery (Haha, at ang change of scenery ay isang kwarto lang ang layo sa kwarto ko? Ayos.) Kinabukasan ginising ako ni Lai para lang basahin ang aking Life Path Number. Nagfe-facebook kasi siya at gumagamit ng ilang applications. Eto ang kanyang binasa habang pilit kong ibinubukas ang aking ma-mutang mga mata.

Birth Date: 30-08-1983
3+0+0+8+1+9+8+3=32=3+2=5

Below are the analysis of life path number 5:

The Life Path 5 suggests that you entered this plane with a highly progressive mindset, with the attitude and skills to make the world a better place. The key word for your Life Path is freedom. In the pursuit of freedom, you are naturally versatile, adventurous, and advanced in your thinking. You are one of those people who is always striving to find answers to the many questions that life poses. The byword for the positive Life Path 5 is constant change and improvement. You want to be totally unrestrained, as this is the number most often associated with the productive use of freedom.

You may be one of the most compassionate of people as the 5 is surely the most freedom-loving and compassionate Life Path. Your love of freedom extends to humanity at large, and concern for your fellow man, his freedom and his welfare, may be foremost in your mind. A great Life Path 5 American President, Abraham Lincoln, issued the Emancipation Proclamation, and ended slavery in America. As the ultimate progressive thinker type, your potential in government, the law, and other positions of authority is unlimited.


Hindi ako agad naniwala dahil kahit na gala ako, kailanman di ko naisip na freedom-loving ako. Pinaiiral ko parin lagi ang aking cautious side. Mediyo naiinggit pa nga ako sa ibang mga taong hindi matatawaran ang kawalan ng takot nila sa pagsubok ng mga bagay-bagay na minsan ay peligroso at minsan ay talaga namang katangahan lang for the sake of experience.

Pero naisip ko din, siguro yung mismong punto lang na naiinggit ako ay patunay nga na gusto ko ng mas malayang pamumuhay. Di nga ba't kaya ganito ang uri ng trabaho ko? Di nga ba't kaya ako nagpupumilit na manatili sa Maynila kahit na mahirap maghanap ng perang pambayad ng rent, bills, pagkain, at kung anu-ano pang pangangailangan? Kahit na todong mababawasan ang gastos ko sa amin, ayokong umuwi dahil ang pagtira kasama ang isang pamilya, gaano man siguro ka-normal ito, ay parang pagsuot ng full velcro outfit para madikitan ng kung anu-anong isyu. Di nga ba't hindi ako mapalagay kapag hindi ko masabi ang mga gusto kong sabihin at maipahiwatig ang tunay kong damdamin? Di nga ba't nalulungkot ako kung may bumabalakid sa aking pangangarap? Minsan na nga lang mangyari iyon e. So siguro nga freedom-loving talaga ako. At kaya nga "life path" ang tawag don kasi ito ang kapalaran ng aking pagkatao na dapat yakapin.

Ngunit kung iisipin naman, what is freedom? Ito lang ba yung kondisyon na walang kahit na anong pumipigil sa iyong mga desires o adhikain? Kung gagawin lang natin ang mga nais nating gawin at walang babalakid o hahadlang, hindi ba't parang bilanggo narin tayo sa ating mga desire o adhikain kung kaya't di din tayo malaya? Minsan, mahirap maging panganay. Iniisip ko na sana huli nalang ako ipinanganak. Parang mas masaya ata yon. Wala kang responsibilidad maging mabuting halimbawa kahit kanino man at magagawa mo ang mga gusto mong gawin. Pero teka nga muna, ano nga ba ang kalayaan? Ito ba'y ang kawalan ng kahit anong responsibilidad? Malaya ka ba kung ang tanging responsibilidad mo lang ay sa sarili?

Habang iniisip ko ang konseptong ito, nagtatanong din ako: hindi kaya kalayaan ding matatawag ang pagharap sa mga responsibilidad mo sa sarili at sa ibang tao at paghahanap ng solusyon para sa mga balakid na kinahaharap? Hindi ba mas kalayaang maituturing ang pagiging maparaan para mabuwag ang mga hadlang? Sa aking pagmamasid sa sarili at sa ibang tao, ang karaniwang paraan upang lumaya ay ang pagtalikod sa mga isyu at mga problema na ipiniprisinta ng panahon. Ngunit, hindi ba parang mas tunay na kalayaang maituturing ang pagharap sa mga hamon na ito--to overcome hindrances the most creative way possible? Maybe it's also just a matter of strategizing instead of just throwing in the towel and wishing you were more free to do what you want to do.

Dati mas na-associate ko ang salitang freedom-loving sa pagiging matapang, daring, walang paki-alam sa tingin ng ibang tao, yung may pagka-boheme lifestyle, yung hakuna-matata attitude. Kaya din siguro nagpupumilit ako na maging ganito. Ngunit ngayon napapaisip ako. Sabi kasi ng isang Chinese professor na nagngangalang Xu Yuangzhong, "Freedom and restraint are two sides of one thing. How can there be freedom without restraint? It’s impossible."

Kung sabagay may punto kasi siya. Kung susundin ang argumento sa itaas, at malamang sa sarili nating mga karanasan, if freedom is more of creatively employing all your faculties taking into mind contextual factors to get what you want and be happy, e malamang sa malamang, that would necessarily involve a great deal of restraint. Hindi din pala proportional ang propensity sa pagiging mapusok sa pagiging malaya. Maaari pang magkabaliktad pa ito. Minsan hindi umuubra ang pagiging mapusok. Loose passions backfire; instead of emancipating, they debilitate.

Ay! Naku teka lang. Mediyo sumasakit na ang ulo ko sa kakaisip nito. Masalimuot ang talakayan at talaga namang may iba pang mga konsepto na nakakabit sa pagiging malaya. Andiyan ang konsepto ng giving vs. selfishness, love vs. apathy, creation, language, self-actualization at kung anu-ano pa na wala na akong lakas para pag-isipan pa ngayon dahil may ginagawa pa akong ibang trabaho at sumingit lang ito. Kung may mga mungkahi kayo, sabihan niyo ako, mag-mental calisthenics muna tayo. :)

huwaw. may christmas lights na sa kabilugan ng QC circle?

so am i post-modern?

i loooove zooey deschanel. loved her in failure to launch and yesman. there's something so quirky and in-your face about her yet she is also very soft and feminine at the same time. so, when i heard that she is starring in the new semi-indie flick '500 days of Summer' i checked the trailer out.



click here for the full trailer. the movie is produced by fox searachlight which was responsible for juno, little miss sunshine, once, and slumdog millionaire. these movies i call semi-indie, as they employ an other-than-usual approach to filmmaking but with considerably higher budget than most indie films. '500 days of summer' looks promising enough, at least from the trailer. it has a nice atmosphere and color theme (i love the browns and the beiges). soundtrack is cool (the smiths, the clash, regina spektor, spoon, feist and simon and garfunkel?! what the...these are my people here! i nearly fainted). story line is something which every one can relate to at one point or another. and heck, zooey deschanel is reason enough to watch it.

oh, plus i love the writeup:

"Tom believes, even in this cynical modern world, in the notion of a transforming, cosmically destined, lightning-strikes-once kind of love. Summer doesnt. Not at all. But that doesnt stop Tom from going after her, again and again, like a modern Don Quixote, with all his might and courage. Suddenly, Tom is in love not just with a lovely, witty, intelligent woman but with the very idea of Summer, the very idea of a love that still has the power to shock the heart and stop the world. The fuse is lit on Day 1 when Tom, a would-be architect turned sappy greeting card writer encounters Summer, his boss' breezy, beautiful new secretary, fresh off the plane from Michigan. Though seemingly out of his league, Tom soon discovers he shares plenty in common with Summer. By Day 31, things are moving ahead, albeit casually. By Day 32, Tom is irreparably smitten, living in a giddy, fantastical world of Summer on his mind. By Day 185, things are in serious limbo -- but not without hope. And as the story winds backwards and forwards through Tom and Summers on-again, off-again, sometimes blissful, often tumultuous dalliance--all of which adds up to a kaleidoscopic portrait of why, and how, we still struggle so laughably, cringingly hard to make sense of love and to hopefully make it real."

when i showed the video to her, toni made an observation that the movie looks very post-modern. last week, my architect colleague just explained to me during our rounds that that post-modernism in their field just means something that exists in defiance of modernism or anything that reverts to the classical and the traditional way of doing things. he said that post-modern architecture is an aberration, something which does not last 20 years, and therefore "utot lang sa buong sistema". i am not too keen in agreeing to that. i still believe that post-modern architecture is very respectable in its own right, at least for its courage and irrepresible search for the sublime.

i figured, post-modern in architecture won't help me figure out what toni meant. foraging through the recesses of my stock knowledge on political and literary theory therefore (because i majored in the former and minored in the latter), i tried to recall what post-modernism really means--to no avail. as i'm getting rusty, i consulted my old friend wiki instead:

"Postmodernism is an aesthetic, literary, political or social philosophy, which was the basis of the attempt to describe a condition, or a state of being, or something concerned with changes to institutions and conditions (as in Giddens, 1990) as postmodernity."

and then toni explained: the movie is post-modern precisely because it has to look into self and explain/rationalize everything. the best example she says is moulin rouge--it is a story of someone telling a story.

i forget where but i read somewhere that american cinema is too bent on creating 'closure'. european cinema, on the other hand just does not care. in fact, the point of european cinema as an artform is to imitate life accurately. it leaves the audience with unanswered questions and agitation that accompanies these. i agree. when i am in want of mental stimulation, i turn to the subtitled obscure european films but when i want a feel-good movie with a good (even if it's not a happy) ending, i reach for hollywood. i don't know about '500 days of summer' i am bent on watching it on the big screen even though it's already available in internet live streaming sites. but i'm pretty sure it will have a good (even if it's not a happy) ending. and it's just in time because right now, it's what i'm sticking around for.

Going Green

This time last week, I went to Payatas and Montalban for fieldwork to accompany the German Boss to the community savings and resettlement sites. Because we finished early, I decided to visit Chayie in Fairview in the afternoon as she was leaving that Monday for her media internship in Nepal (excited for my banderitas! :) Chayie's mom is an avid horticulturist with a big heart. Aside from filling my tummy with delicious pansit and some salad, she gave me lots and lots of cuttings of her beautiful plants. If I had not said thank you, this looks a lot and I might just kill them all, I'm sure she would have given me a fourth of her garden! Haha.

And so, tasked with an important responsibility of making sure they live, I set out to replant the cuttings. You see I don't really know if I have a green thumb. The last time I had taken care of 'em plants was when I was in gradeschool. I enjoyed watering our class plants then. I would get them out into the sun in the afternoon after class, water them, then my classmates and I would clean the rooms spic and span and then bring 'em plants back in. In our school, we didn't have janitors to do these for us. Some plants lived, some withered out. I remember that prior to that I had a sunflower field at the back of our old house's yard. But sunflowers are not really difficult to manage. You just throw the seeds out and they will grow cheerfully and abundantly. The sunflowers were taller than me when I was in Grade 3 (believe me, I was tall for my age then). And I would spend afternoons in my improvised swing that hung from a karamay tree (yes I made that one myself too), just looking at the sunflowers being softly illumined by the orange setting sun. Yeah, yeah. As a kid, I was already kinduh emo. Heh.

Anyway, my flatmates laughed at me when I was doing this. I guess they couldn't imagine me gardening. Well, surprise surprise, I actually enjoyed it. Nothing like the gritty smell and feel of damp soft earth in your hands. But first, I had to improvise with some pots as this new folly is not really part of my current budget. Good thing we have recyclables stashed below our backyard sink. You never know when you're gonna need 'em tin cans!

I don't intend to cultivate a forest....yet. But I have successfully repotted 18 plants. They've lasted a week now. And I greet them goodmorning everyday when I wake up. So far so good! Now, what to do with those shiny lids? Hmmm. Maybe I can make some sort of a wind chime. You think?

two bad news and two good news for me are all right. feels like i'm running in place, though. but come to think of it, i'd take that versus tripping on the treadmill and having my face dragged from the rubber with my two front teeth spewing out of my bloody mouth.

the bad:

1. i actually refused an important shooting assignment because of some insane file size requirement and my lack of suitable gear

2. the misereor project changed research guidelines (can you spell arbitrary???) which means half of our work were scrapped, deadlines were extended, more data have to be collected--all without extension of pay. boooooo!

the good:

1. my brother lloyd snagged the job he wanted -- finally! (well not THE job, but he's gotten into the system)

2. my new job starts today. yay! fieldwork makes me happy. it means less time cooped in the apartment, more time around the city, more opportunities to shoot on the streets, more calories spent, less time to stare at the ceiling at night!

the hopeful:

although the orgin is hazy to me at the moment (i think this was borne out of a whimsical inconseqential talk that we shared), my brother paul is holding me to a supposed promise of treating him to a skydiving adventure after he graduates from college. makes me wanna scour for bucks even more.

i have always had a negative relationship with time. i complain when things are slow but whine even more when deadlines loom largely overhead. i also am very wary of how the universe works. basing from others' and my own experience, anything--and i mean anything--can happen this instant which can fuck your life oh so completely, it's scary. but i wonder how a change in attitude can actually lead to a change in results. they say that the mind is a powerful thing and that you can attract your destiny based on how you actually think.

so from now on my new mantra should be:
father time needs respect; the universe is my friend, it's got my back covered (repeat 3 x daily).

Once More, the Minister

This time opportunity comes as a streak of light, thin and almost always
Prepared to fade, shining on less things visible, more things imagined,
And things we once had but have forgotten and now up for recovery.
This is made obvious, today, by the enormous dry season canopy
Of rows and rows of old trees, allowing only a few, through daggers
Of sunlight, the fortune to glow: the graceful gathering of dust,
Slow talk on justice, and long undisturbed stares to a misdemeanour-
Riddled past. In this position, reach is only the venerable response
To the endless lengths of recollection. How we try and how we fail
And how we never really learn: reaching, bound by what we can remember,
Recovering what we cannot, as they slowly lose light, drown,
And be one with the dark.

-- E.J. Galang

i think that in a parallel universe, i may be living in an apartment similar to this:

and it definitely would have a room that looks like this:

despite years and years of browsing through home design magazines, watching space makeovers, killing time at interior design shops and wowing myself time and again with sleek modern functional art furnitures, i'm really a messy, country, mix and match kind of girl at heart (read: blue, white, wooden floors and wonderful light). in a few years' time, i'm gonna have my dream space. yipee! right now, i just envy my parallel self. sigh.

(photos courtesy of www.peoniesandpolaroids and www.mila-loveology.blogspot.com )

A friend sent me THIS through email. The world is changing and so are our manner of doing things. But soon enough our beliefs about the most elementary things in life will inevitably take over.

jusme, akala ko pa naman matatakasan ko 'to. bughaw pala talaga ang dugong nananalaytay sa mga ugat ko.



mula't sapul, hindi ko masiyado ikinatuwa ang aking pagiging atenista. ang unang taon ko sa kolehiyong ito ang isa sa mga pinakamalungkot at pinakanakakabagot na panahon ng aking buhay. hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit panay nalang ang ingles ng mga tao dito. na-insecure ako sa pagiging mapagpahayag ng mga tao pero sa kabilang banda nainis din ako sa kakitidan ng utak ng iba. sayang lang ang kanilang gift of gab! araw araw, inisip ko na mali talaga ang desisyon ng aking mga magulang sa pag-papaaral sa akin dito. ayaw nila ako payagan sa peyups noon maski na pasado ako sa kursong inapplay-an, quota course pa kamo.

pero nanatili ako sa aking paaralan at natuklasan ko na hindi din pala ganon kasagwa dito. unang una, akala lang pala ng lahat sa umpisa na ingles ang salita dito kaya tuloy lahat ng freshmen nag-iinglesan. paglaon, lalabas din ang naglalalimang pananagalog, pagbibisaya, pagiilonggo at kung anu-ano pang nalalamang salitang balbal.

pero seryoso, dito nakakilala ako ng mga taong nagpupursigi sa pag-aaral hindi lamang upang tumalino at yumaman kundi upang mahasa nang sa gayon ay makapaglingkod nang tama sa kapwa. nakakilala ako ng mga kaibigang hindi lamang nagpapahayag para magpataasan ng ihi kundi walang tapang na sumasabak sa diskurso upang makalaya sa mga kasinungalingang minsan ay sadyang ipinanggagapos sa sarili dahil lang kumpurtable. nakakilala ako ng mga kasamang intindi na hindi din lang sa pakikitalastasan nalalaman ang katotohanan ngunit sa pakiksalamuha sa ibang tao sa pang-araw araw na gawain at simpleng pakikiramdam. may napakagandang salita sa ilocano para sa pagtambay -- makirikna -- o "to feel with." at higit sa lahat, nakakilala ako ng mga taong hindi lamang nananatili sa konseptwal na nibel ng pagpapakatao, o ang pagbibigay o pagpapalaya ng sarili upang makapagpalaya ng iba, ngunit ibinababa ang pilosopiyang ito sa kanilang mga trabaho at mga personal na relasyon. ang sumunod na tatlong taon ko sa ateneo ang isa sa mga pinakamasaya at pinakanakakamanghang panahon sa aking buhay.

ewan ko ba kung bakit nakalimutan ko na ang lahat ng iyon. siguro dahil sa paglabas ko sa mundong nakaugalian, natuklasan ko na hindi gusto ng karamihan ang mga atenista. para sa kanila, pag atenista ka, mayaman ka lang. madalas marinig ang mga katagang "atenista kasi" sa pagtukoy ng mga masasamang ugali tulad ng yabang, arte, kababawan at kawalan ng kamulatan. dahil sa pagnanais na huwag makulong sa isteryotipiko, hindi ko inako ang pagiging isang atenista. bagkus, itinago ko ito. at dahil narin gusto kong subukang lumalayo sa isang mundong nasusukuban ng mga pananaw na natutunan ko sa ateneo dahil baka naman ipinanggagapos ko lang ang mga ito sa sarili, maski ang mga mabubuting aspeto ng pagiging atenista kinalimutan ko.

kamakailan, napanood ko ang video na ito at napagtanto ko muli ang tunay na kahulugan ng pagiging isang atenista. ipinaalala sa akin ng mga taong nasa video (mga guro, ka-toto na nakainuman na, mga nakaheart-to-heart talk ko noong college) na ang mga bagay na ito ay isang napakalaking parte ng aking kamulatan at maski na itakwil ko, babalik-balikan parin ako.

messianic? maaari. corny? puwede. pero sa panahon ngayon, tangina hindi na puwedeng magpapigil sa kung anong tingin ng ibang tao sa 'yo. kung araw araw ay nakakausap mo naman ang mga taong walang tiyak na tirahan at hindi sapat ang pagkain, ang mga taong nagkukumahog, dalawa ang trabaho ni hindi na matulog para lamang kumita, kung araw araw ay nakakakilala ka ng mga biktima ng palpak na sistema ng gobyerno na dala ng paghahabol ng pansariling interest ng mga taong iniluklok nila, aba e, panahon narin siguro para magpakatao at hindi magpagupo sa takot, hiya at pag-aalinlangan na mabansagang "atenista kasi."

sabi nga ni michael jackson, oo kailangan ko lang talaga isingit to =p, "love can't wait", "love needs expression" at sana matigil na tong "damned indecision and cursed pride". hindi nga ako blue vulture pero ayoko nang maging blue chicken. blue eagle ako. o ano, may reklamo?

fresh grass

it's wimbledon season. i wonder how athletes, in the wake of a terrible defeat, can watch replays of their game over and over again and be able to forgive themselves. the review of the game is unavoidable, necessary and imperative. unavoidable because in many ways, it's like seeing a roadside carcass--you know your stomach might lurch at the sight of it but you cannot help but look and examine it closely. necessary because you have to identify your mistakes. imperative because you have to learn from these mistakes to help you win your next matches.

i imagine that it's not easy for athletes to watch themselves and realize where they've gone wrong. too many unforced errors? half-hearted volleys? were you too agressive? or did you stay at the baseline too long and was scared to attack the net? why in hell were you not able to win that breakpoint to win the set? was your foot injury getting the best of you? did you lose focus and had gotten disturbed by the crowd? and what of that stupid rain delay? did your temper flares take you away from your goal? from the very start, did you really want this? or did you want this when you were already in the game but realized you were down four games and two sets and it's just too late?

despite all the technical inconsistencies and slip-ups, it all boils down to mental strength and attitude. perhaps the greatest athletes are those who can mold unfavorable circumstances instead of the reverse. perhaps the greatest athletes are those who are confident of their abilities and know what they can bring to the game. perhaps they are those who acknowledge that they want to win and set about doing it despite not being crowd favorite. perhaps the greatest athletes are those who are not defeated by their own uneccessary thoughts and plod on despite previous injuries and stupid mistakes. perhaps the greatest athletes are those who, despite knowing that the stakes are high, have faith and truly just enjoy the game.

i think that life is no different from a tennis grandslam championship match. unfortunately, like boris becker in 1995 who lost to pete sampras on his retirement year, sometimes when you mess up, there are no second chances. like becker, you just have to accept that silver plate, shake sampras' hand, tell him how honored you are to play a true champion, and forever be witten in the annals of history as the great runner-up. fortunately, like rodger federer who lost to rafael nadal in 2008, sometimes when you mess up, you are given another chance. and, like federer in this year's nadal-less wimbledon, you have to convince yourself that a win will still be a win even if you won't play the one person you'd wish to win that title with.

image by flickr's steve9091

Kaninang umaga, gumising ako ng alas otso. Umuulan. Kumain ako ng noodles na hinaluan ng malasadong itlog. Nagyosi habang pinakikingaan ang kapitbahay kong Koreano na sa bawat araw nalang na ginawa ng Diyos ay walang sawang pumipintot sa teklado ng kanyang piano sa pagbabakasakaling mapulido ang nag-iisang piyesa na malamang para sa isang piano recital.

Naalala ko tuloy ang sarili ko sampung taon na ang nakalilipas. Ang daang-daang oras na iginugol, si Mrs. Pablo and the mighty spray of laway, ang namumulang poinsettia sa ibabaw ng soundboard, ang lapis na nakatusok sa ilalim ng aking galanggalangan at kalyong namumuo sa aking mga daliri.

Sorry, boy. Sa isang palabas na ganon, magkakamali at magkakamali ka sa entablado. Tanungin mo nalang ako kung bakit. Pero masaya naman 'pag in the zone ka 'di ba? Para kang dinukot ng mga diwata, idinala sa isang mahiwagang mundo, lumipad kasama ang daang daang nagkakantahang mga nota at tumambay na nakalutang sa kalawakan lulan ng isang nakabalikwas na f-clef dahil mas steady siya kesa kay g. Ngunit ang limang oras ay parang limang minuto lamang dito. Bitin!

Magkamali ka man, wala silang karapatang sabihin na ikaw ay nagpabaya. Alam ko kung ilang oras sa isang araw ka magensayo (mahiwagang mundo time). Kaya go lang, kapatid. Go lang nang go!

Nang lumaon, pinaandar ko ang laptop. Binuksan ang mga dokumento. Tapos, tapos...natulog nalang ako ulit. Leche. Kailangan ko ng kakulitan.

Knowing what's nice: Exercise #1

There's so much to do. I'm up to my neck with things to read, people to call, images to scan and arrange, papers to write, revise, revise and revise again, all cast against a deadline already past, anti con-ass protests and the conviction that this assignment can, in fact, contribute to the wider landscape of this democratizing country's feeble attempts at governance.

But this here--my ad hoc working table beside my bedroom window facing the Loyola Heights bubbling creek slash canal, the blue sky and some swaying trees, me in what-do-i-care-about-my-flatmates-getting-offended outfit and RJ underground radio music--is perfect.

In-your-face thoughts that threatened to gobble me up alive for some time had receded in the backgound, only to be summoned again somehow when reggae songs and a Regina Spektor rendition of a Lennon hit waft around the room. But as the soundbytes escape through the windows, so too do I release these memories wishing that they turn into a butterfly that dances around you, kisses your nose for no particular reason then flies ever away.

Even if we wish it otherwise, you and I would agree that perfection is a momentary thing. Like a visiting butterfly or even a lovely comet annihilating itself across a dark cloudless sky, it is the fleetingness of it all that makes something timelessly perfect.

Nananaksak

Daan kayo! Exhibit runs from June 16-26 at Galeria 2, UP Faculty Center. In other news...Fed won the French Open! Yay! I felt something was off with the universe the moment he started losing grandslam after grandslam of tourneys since Wimbledon. Now, it looks like things are falling into place for him. I'm very positive that they will for me too. Haha. Feeling.

Can I just say.... yiheeeeeeeeee! =P hahaha. Some people I know are in love and their kilig is rubbing off on me. Sobrang cheesy, mas cheesy pa sa greenwhich! Let me enjoy this emotional high. Besides, Fed won 4th round of the French Open. And even though he's still got a lot of work to do, it's one solid step to the finals!!! Focus, focus, focus. Breathe, breathe, breathe. It's amazing how so much is only in the mind. I was literally at the edge of the sofa backrest watching Fed be defeated by himself the first two sets against Haas. It's a good thing he snapped out of his auto-pilot mode on the third and plodded through. Reminds me that sometimes when things get really really really shitty, you can pull up your bootstraps and say, baby, it ain't over till it's over. To the finaaaaaaaaals!!! Ole!