A friend sent me THIS through email. The world is changing and so are our manner of doing things. But soon enough our beliefs about the most elementary things in life will inevitably take over.

jusme, akala ko pa naman matatakasan ko 'to. bughaw pala talaga ang dugong nananalaytay sa mga ugat ko.



mula't sapul, hindi ko masiyado ikinatuwa ang aking pagiging atenista. ang unang taon ko sa kolehiyong ito ang isa sa mga pinakamalungkot at pinakanakakabagot na panahon ng aking buhay. hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit panay nalang ang ingles ng mga tao dito. na-insecure ako sa pagiging mapagpahayag ng mga tao pero sa kabilang banda nainis din ako sa kakitidan ng utak ng iba. sayang lang ang kanilang gift of gab! araw araw, inisip ko na mali talaga ang desisyon ng aking mga magulang sa pag-papaaral sa akin dito. ayaw nila ako payagan sa peyups noon maski na pasado ako sa kursong inapplay-an, quota course pa kamo.

pero nanatili ako sa aking paaralan at natuklasan ko na hindi din pala ganon kasagwa dito. unang una, akala lang pala ng lahat sa umpisa na ingles ang salita dito kaya tuloy lahat ng freshmen nag-iinglesan. paglaon, lalabas din ang naglalalimang pananagalog, pagbibisaya, pagiilonggo at kung anu-ano pang nalalamang salitang balbal.

pero seryoso, dito nakakilala ako ng mga taong nagpupursigi sa pag-aaral hindi lamang upang tumalino at yumaman kundi upang mahasa nang sa gayon ay makapaglingkod nang tama sa kapwa. nakakilala ako ng mga kaibigang hindi lamang nagpapahayag para magpataasan ng ihi kundi walang tapang na sumasabak sa diskurso upang makalaya sa mga kasinungalingang minsan ay sadyang ipinanggagapos sa sarili dahil lang kumpurtable. nakakilala ako ng mga kasamang intindi na hindi din lang sa pakikitalastasan nalalaman ang katotohanan ngunit sa pakiksalamuha sa ibang tao sa pang-araw araw na gawain at simpleng pakikiramdam. may napakagandang salita sa ilocano para sa pagtambay -- makirikna -- o "to feel with." at higit sa lahat, nakakilala ako ng mga taong hindi lamang nananatili sa konseptwal na nibel ng pagpapakatao, o ang pagbibigay o pagpapalaya ng sarili upang makapagpalaya ng iba, ngunit ibinababa ang pilosopiyang ito sa kanilang mga trabaho at mga personal na relasyon. ang sumunod na tatlong taon ko sa ateneo ang isa sa mga pinakamasaya at pinakanakakamanghang panahon sa aking buhay.

ewan ko ba kung bakit nakalimutan ko na ang lahat ng iyon. siguro dahil sa paglabas ko sa mundong nakaugalian, natuklasan ko na hindi gusto ng karamihan ang mga atenista. para sa kanila, pag atenista ka, mayaman ka lang. madalas marinig ang mga katagang "atenista kasi" sa pagtukoy ng mga masasamang ugali tulad ng yabang, arte, kababawan at kawalan ng kamulatan. dahil sa pagnanais na huwag makulong sa isteryotipiko, hindi ko inako ang pagiging isang atenista. bagkus, itinago ko ito. at dahil narin gusto kong subukang lumalayo sa isang mundong nasusukuban ng mga pananaw na natutunan ko sa ateneo dahil baka naman ipinanggagapos ko lang ang mga ito sa sarili, maski ang mga mabubuting aspeto ng pagiging atenista kinalimutan ko.

kamakailan, napanood ko ang video na ito at napagtanto ko muli ang tunay na kahulugan ng pagiging isang atenista. ipinaalala sa akin ng mga taong nasa video (mga guro, ka-toto na nakainuman na, mga nakaheart-to-heart talk ko noong college) na ang mga bagay na ito ay isang napakalaking parte ng aking kamulatan at maski na itakwil ko, babalik-balikan parin ako.

messianic? maaari. corny? puwede. pero sa panahon ngayon, tangina hindi na puwedeng magpapigil sa kung anong tingin ng ibang tao sa 'yo. kung araw araw ay nakakausap mo naman ang mga taong walang tiyak na tirahan at hindi sapat ang pagkain, ang mga taong nagkukumahog, dalawa ang trabaho ni hindi na matulog para lamang kumita, kung araw araw ay nakakakilala ka ng mga biktima ng palpak na sistema ng gobyerno na dala ng paghahabol ng pansariling interest ng mga taong iniluklok nila, aba e, panahon narin siguro para magpakatao at hindi magpagupo sa takot, hiya at pag-aalinlangan na mabansagang "atenista kasi."

sabi nga ni michael jackson, oo kailangan ko lang talaga isingit to =p, "love can't wait", "love needs expression" at sana matigil na tong "damned indecision and cursed pride". hindi nga ako blue vulture pero ayoko nang maging blue chicken. blue eagle ako. o ano, may reklamo?

fresh grass

it's wimbledon season. i wonder how athletes, in the wake of a terrible defeat, can watch replays of their game over and over again and be able to forgive themselves. the review of the game is unavoidable, necessary and imperative. unavoidable because in many ways, it's like seeing a roadside carcass--you know your stomach might lurch at the sight of it but you cannot help but look and examine it closely. necessary because you have to identify your mistakes. imperative because you have to learn from these mistakes to help you win your next matches.

i imagine that it's not easy for athletes to watch themselves and realize where they've gone wrong. too many unforced errors? half-hearted volleys? were you too agressive? or did you stay at the baseline too long and was scared to attack the net? why in hell were you not able to win that breakpoint to win the set? was your foot injury getting the best of you? did you lose focus and had gotten disturbed by the crowd? and what of that stupid rain delay? did your temper flares take you away from your goal? from the very start, did you really want this? or did you want this when you were already in the game but realized you were down four games and two sets and it's just too late?

despite all the technical inconsistencies and slip-ups, it all boils down to mental strength and attitude. perhaps the greatest athletes are those who can mold unfavorable circumstances instead of the reverse. perhaps the greatest athletes are those who are confident of their abilities and know what they can bring to the game. perhaps they are those who acknowledge that they want to win and set about doing it despite not being crowd favorite. perhaps the greatest athletes are those who are not defeated by their own uneccessary thoughts and plod on despite previous injuries and stupid mistakes. perhaps the greatest athletes are those who, despite knowing that the stakes are high, have faith and truly just enjoy the game.

i think that life is no different from a tennis grandslam championship match. unfortunately, like boris becker in 1995 who lost to pete sampras on his retirement year, sometimes when you mess up, there are no second chances. like becker, you just have to accept that silver plate, shake sampras' hand, tell him how honored you are to play a true champion, and forever be witten in the annals of history as the great runner-up. fortunately, like rodger federer who lost to rafael nadal in 2008, sometimes when you mess up, you are given another chance. and, like federer in this year's nadal-less wimbledon, you have to convince yourself that a win will still be a win even if you won't play the one person you'd wish to win that title with.

image by flickr's steve9091

Kaninang umaga, gumising ako ng alas otso. Umuulan. Kumain ako ng noodles na hinaluan ng malasadong itlog. Nagyosi habang pinakikingaan ang kapitbahay kong Koreano na sa bawat araw nalang na ginawa ng Diyos ay walang sawang pumipintot sa teklado ng kanyang piano sa pagbabakasakaling mapulido ang nag-iisang piyesa na malamang para sa isang piano recital.

Naalala ko tuloy ang sarili ko sampung taon na ang nakalilipas. Ang daang-daang oras na iginugol, si Mrs. Pablo and the mighty spray of laway, ang namumulang poinsettia sa ibabaw ng soundboard, ang lapis na nakatusok sa ilalim ng aking galanggalangan at kalyong namumuo sa aking mga daliri.

Sorry, boy. Sa isang palabas na ganon, magkakamali at magkakamali ka sa entablado. Tanungin mo nalang ako kung bakit. Pero masaya naman 'pag in the zone ka 'di ba? Para kang dinukot ng mga diwata, idinala sa isang mahiwagang mundo, lumipad kasama ang daang daang nagkakantahang mga nota at tumambay na nakalutang sa kalawakan lulan ng isang nakabalikwas na f-clef dahil mas steady siya kesa kay g. Ngunit ang limang oras ay parang limang minuto lamang dito. Bitin!

Magkamali ka man, wala silang karapatang sabihin na ikaw ay nagpabaya. Alam ko kung ilang oras sa isang araw ka magensayo (mahiwagang mundo time). Kaya go lang, kapatid. Go lang nang go!

Nang lumaon, pinaandar ko ang laptop. Binuksan ang mga dokumento. Tapos, tapos...natulog nalang ako ulit. Leche. Kailangan ko ng kakulitan.

Knowing what's nice: Exercise #1

There's so much to do. I'm up to my neck with things to read, people to call, images to scan and arrange, papers to write, revise, revise and revise again, all cast against a deadline already past, anti con-ass protests and the conviction that this assignment can, in fact, contribute to the wider landscape of this democratizing country's feeble attempts at governance.

But this here--my ad hoc working table beside my bedroom window facing the Loyola Heights bubbling creek slash canal, the blue sky and some swaying trees, me in what-do-i-care-about-my-flatmates-getting-offended outfit and RJ underground radio music--is perfect.

In-your-face thoughts that threatened to gobble me up alive for some time had receded in the backgound, only to be summoned again somehow when reggae songs and a Regina Spektor rendition of a Lennon hit waft around the room. But as the soundbytes escape through the windows, so too do I release these memories wishing that they turn into a butterfly that dances around you, kisses your nose for no particular reason then flies ever away.

Even if we wish it otherwise, you and I would agree that perfection is a momentary thing. Like a visiting butterfly or even a lovely comet annihilating itself across a dark cloudless sky, it is the fleetingness of it all that makes something timelessly perfect.

Nananaksak

Daan kayo! Exhibit runs from June 16-26 at Galeria 2, UP Faculty Center. In other news...Fed won the French Open! Yay! I felt something was off with the universe the moment he started losing grandslam after grandslam of tourneys since Wimbledon. Now, it looks like things are falling into place for him. I'm very positive that they will for me too. Haha. Feeling.

Can I just say.... yiheeeeeeeeee! =P hahaha. Some people I know are in love and their kilig is rubbing off on me. Sobrang cheesy, mas cheesy pa sa greenwhich! Let me enjoy this emotional high. Besides, Fed won 4th round of the French Open. And even though he's still got a lot of work to do, it's one solid step to the finals!!! Focus, focus, focus. Breathe, breathe, breathe. It's amazing how so much is only in the mind. I was literally at the edge of the sofa backrest watching Fed be defeated by himself the first two sets against Haas. It's a good thing he snapped out of his auto-pilot mode on the third and plodded through. Reminds me that sometimes when things get really really really shitty, you can pull up your bootstraps and say, baby, it ain't over till it's over. To the finaaaaaaaaals!!! Ole!

Flashflood

Hunyo nanaman kaibigan. Parang
kailan lang
nang sumilip ako sa butas
ng bintana.
Sira ang capiz sa isang
parisukat
at nasilayan ko ang buhos
ng ulan
na rumaragasa sa iyong
bagang.
Hunyo nanaman kaibigan umuulan
nanaman
ngunit hindi ko na mahanap
ang patlang.

bob ong moment
may 25, 2009
2:00 pm

habang nag-aantay ng masasakyan (ako papunta sa trabaho, si tris pauwi):

d: tanginang shet yan, ang init.
t: oonga e, summer e.
d: (grunt)
t: siguro love is summer.
d: huh?
t: parang summer--mainit, malagkit, nahihirapan ka, nakakainis. pero summer e, kaya masaya ka.
d: hahahahaha

*sabi ko nga.

happiness is a nice nice dress :)

image by joules clothing

today was an eventful day. i got to touch a living man's brain.

some days the glass is half empty. others, like today, the glass is half full.

L: yosi tayo

D: kaka-toothbrush ko lang pero tangina sige.

L pushes the screen door and D follows. both take their respective seats in the dark.

L: (sings a rico blanco)... siguro yung iniwan ka na ng eroplano parang modern version ng ikaw na naiwan sa platform habang umaandar yung tren no?

D: huh?

L: yung normal description ng pinagiwanan ka na ng oportunidad tapos ikakasal na yung babae pero wala ka nang magagawa.

(silence)

L: 25 na tayo...

D: tangina, oo nga e. pero isipin mo nalang, hindi pa tayo 30. tangina minsan naiisip ko kung ano naiiisip ni mustasa ngayon. maswerte pa tayo may five years pa tayo para tumino. kesa naman yung trenta ka na at nagsisimula ka nang magpanic, kakapit ka na sa kahit ano. lalo na kung yung kahit ano e tried and tested na.

L: tangina oo nga no.

D: naisip ko din kung ano iniisip ni ku ngayon. nag-aalala ako kasi parang hindi siya sigurado. kasi kung sigurado siya sana noon palang ginawan na niya ng paraan talaga.

L: the wisdom we gain from rico blanco. tsk, tsk.

D: sabi nga ni T sa akin, yun daw yung pinaka-ayaw niyang mangyari sa kanya--the curse of indecision.

(silence)

D: nagrerebelde lang naman talaga tayo sa mold e. kaya ang hirap.

L: oonga. nagrerebelde tayo sa kung anong normal pero at the same time nagrerebelde din naman tayo sa kung ano talaga tayo. dapat pag nagrebelde tayo, sa isang bagay lang. like ako, kung seseryosohin ko lang 'tong tanginang (mentions a start-up consultancy firm) na 'to e okay naman e. tapos ikaw kung mag-aaprentice ka lang at gawin mo na yang portfolio mo e di okay. wag mo nang takbuhan 'yan. kasi naman e. malapit na ang November.

D: pota. oonga. yaaaaaayks.

L: hindi kasi tayo nagwa-100 percent e. we should embrace this, d.

D: oonga, kung tutuusin wala naman tayong problema e. ang tanging pumipigil lang sa atin ay ang ang mga sarili natin.

L: teka, parang kahapon lang andito nanaman tayo a.

D (thinks of Beckett's Gogo and Didi and doesn't know whether to laugh or cry)

L: (laughs) at least ngayon alam natin na mas maswerte pala tayo.

D: (laughs) yan yung masaklap. parang yung sinabi ni Queen Elizabeth sa last scene ng movie:

"I am called the Virgin Queen
Unmarried, I have no master

Childless, I am mother to my people

God give me strength to bear this mighty freedom

I am your Queen

I am myself."

L: siguro netong dalawang araw nakaubos tayo ng tig-isang kaha.

bob ong moment
bahay lang
10:00 ng gabi

may mga bagay na sadyang di natatapos
at kailanman di matatapos
parang inabandonang gusali
na punung-puno ng mumu

*this time, it's the weather

I am a pencil. I am a yellow pencil resting on top of a wooden table. I am energy in potentiality. For movement, I need an outside force. At least that's how I feel. And I am not proud of it.

Tonight, I find myself in a coffeeshop near my apartment. I usually bring some work here. At home, I could not work even if I force myself to. But tonight, I find myself in this coffeeshop without the usual stack of papers, without the usual laptop. I brought a book, though. Sontag. But I quickly put it down after a couple of pages.

I bring out my black notebook, instead and begin to write. I want to string thoughts together like notes in a 4/4 measure. But they come out in staccatos, spurts of some things, but nothing when taken as a whole. In a failed attempt to "en-word," I let my pen slide across the page in circles. I try to draw trees. A face. Doodling and sketching are not really my thing, I resign. The images produced do not give justice to the memory.

A friend, who had been writing her pleadings eyes me suspiciously and asks if there isn't anything that I was supposed to be doing. She's someone who sleeps two hours a day just to keep up with what the world hurls at her. She looks at me half amazed, half exasperated. I say there was. In fact, there really is. I have to finish two case studies that involves a lot of interviews and field work by the end of the month. But my pen continues in a rythmitic motion. Nevermind if it spews out nonsense. If others could only function properly by "cleaning the pipes" once in a while, I needed word masturbation.

In a results-oriented society, this kind of exercise is considered a folly only for those who have the luxury of time. But most of this society does not seem to understand that this is simply how some people know how to live, that they cannot live any other way.

And in the wee hours of the morning, while in between surfing and tearing myself away from the internet, I happen to stumble across a college classmate's blog. Waps posted a piece written by one of our lit professors, Ms. Rica Bolipata-Santos which describes appropriately this condition. I post excerpts below:

Why I Write
Rica Bolipata-Santos

"...My days are consumed by the one need to name moment to moment – enfleshing the world into words so that they may be turned in my hand, in my palm, and what it is that sits in my heart, can sit in my hand instead, and be thrown away into the sea; or kept in my pocket as keepsake. I walk the seashore of life and decide which rocks to keep, which to discard, which to put away so that I may mix and match at some later date; call upon a memory to authenticate a point; call upon a look I hit upon to explain character motivation; always, always keeping score.

Moment to moment I think to myself, there must be a word for this obliterating kind of joy. There must be a word for this travesty, or this tragedy, or this grief. What is the word at the center of my grief? This word is both identification and spell. If I can say the word, and only say the word, I shall be healed.

People wonder what it is a writer does and it is difficult to explain as it is a job that requires treading the line between real and imagined. Another writer-friend when newly-married complained once that everyone in the house she lived in with her husband would constantly ask her to do errands after all, “she wasn’t doing anything.” People want us to produce pages to prove that we have written. In writing, production and product are severely different things. I am asked often, ‘where you able to write?” And in my head I think, well…I was able to think, which is the lifeblood of all writing.

So, to many most of the time we really look like we’re doing nothing because part of writing is the hocus pocus part. For me, that requires hours of staring and sitting. It is ephemeral, the work of catching and matching words with experience. I need to keep still to do this. And sometimes, the opposite is true: I need to keep moving for the experience to catch me this time. There are those sought for moments when it just magically happens, when crystallization occurs. But when one writes long enough, one knows that the Muse also paces her gifts so that cannot always be relied upon.

I know the signs when I know I have hit upon something. There comes an incessant need to nest, i.e., to decorate, beautify or simply move furniture. I get weepy and for some strange reason, a British accent takes over and I mull over words and my tongue lolls around them like candy. I drive around Manila uttering sentences I’ve written, pondering on cadence and rhythm, the musician in me descending. My husband says I have this faraway look and cannot be reached. And eventually that voice comes to me and propels me to write. It commands me to document..."

bob ong moment
bustos, bulacan
11:03 ng gabi

"Para kang diabetes, you're a lifetime condition. Kailangan ko pa ngayong magstock ng insulin shots at umiwas sa matamis."

*this is what no sleep and a 12 mn deadline does to you. =p