zombie

It's getting chronic, this coming to work late. I knew waking up at 10 pm after an after-work nap just to hear Let's Fun on NU while drinking one pitcher of iced tea was a bad idea. I did it anyway. As usual, Quark, Andy and the gang were hilarious! Yang Tze was even in the studio. They even had this show jingle where they got Yang Tze to rap. Walang binatbat si Carlos Agassi. Bwehe. So there. Finally snoozed at 4 am with the earphones still stuck to my ears. It goes without saying that I slept a shallow sleep. Even in my sleep I repeatedly cringed at the social blunder I committed the previous night. I am such a cow. I am a disgrace to the female gender. Bawi ako next time, pramis.

I love it that on Mondays, my body aches deliciously from the previous night's badminton game. I missed last week's badminton session with my AtSCA friends and although our game last night was not the best, it was nice to be able to sweat again. Dmac and Mour plan to join the Adidas tournament and bring the idea up of me joining too. I decline. I'm not that competitive, I say. Well, so much for deciding to get out of this mediocrity rut.

Although I know that last night's play has its advantages, I fear it has disadvantages as well. I timed in late again. I've only thirty minutes to spare for my tardiness (we are allowed an hour per month) and it's only the second week. I also forgot to bring the apples I bought for my breakfast. Still there was no rush. My languid state right now might even prevent me from accomplishing much at work. The feeling is weird. Everything is quiet although three feet from me, Tanya and Marissa are sharing the usual office banter. This is weird. Something's missing but I feel all right.

P.S. News just broke in. My dad has gotten a new semi-kal haircut. Horror of horrors! Okay, I was telling him for the longest time to get one but now I realize, it's not my nagging that finally got him to do it because I've stopped already. It's the acceptance that he has to have a groovy cut now that he is growing quite old. Cute, cute!

you emanate flecks of pain
as
I try to cover the distance
between
me
,
you.
forward, i succumb.
you disappear.
she has eaten you up,
yet again.

And as if to remind me, "I am real," God puts me in a sticky situation and then he picks me up.

Yesterday, I, together with some officemates went to hear the mass sponsored by the Jesuits for Cardinal Sin at the Manila Cathedral. We knew the mass was supposed to begin 12 noon and Fr. Carroll was suppposed to be there early because all of the Jesuits would be seated at the altar. However, seems I instructed the driver to a wrong turn which cost us twenty minutes just getting to the u-turn slot because of the traffic. I was squirming in my seat the whole time not being able to look at Fr. Jack and our executive director, Ma'am Jing. Super diyahe. All good vibes I had in the morning putting on my new cream and black floral skirt and a plain black top completely dissipated that moment. Nice going, Diana. Really nice. We arrived during the responsorial psalm and of course Fr. Jack didn't dare seat at the altar. He was with us instead at the back of the Cathedral, seated in monobloc chairs. He also wasn't able to get his packed lunch. Good thing mabait siya and he said that it was ok when I apologized for getting us late. God, it took us four hours on the road and only an hour inside the church. It was 3pm when we finally were able to get a bite at the BK drivethru in Tomas Morato. Kakapagod ang araw dahil sa travel. Lalong kakapagod dahil sa tension at guilt.

So half past six I was at Xavier Hall walking home and feeling dejected bordering on depressed (i have some more issues, I'm afraid) when a passing thought came to mind. What if I bumped into Nemo? Pampalubag-loob man lamang sa isang nakakabagot na araw. Then I quickly shoved the thought away but at that millisecond, I heard someone calling my name and there he was. I wasn't even absorbing it at first. It was like his face was a blur which only got clearer. In fairness he looked different yesterday. Good different. Seeing him in blue long-sleeved polo, slacks and leather shoes with a clean shave was a far cry from his usual t-shirt (usually he gets these from the many climbs, hikes and runs he has gotten himself into), cargoes, mojos, and all those stubbles. Not that I don't like that look. It's just so refreshing seeing Nemo in pormal attire. We chatted for a while but I wasn't able to think of more topics to make the conversation longer. I realize I need practice at these things. We said our goodbyes and I walked away shaking my head at the absurdity of it all but feeling the good vibes all coming back. Buti naman di ako mukhang tae sa harap niya thaht time. Grinning unabashedly, I reached Gonzaga and texted Chayie in the ladies' room about what just happened. I finished my message, walked out of the CR and a laugh escaped me as, I bumped into Nemo the second time around. He was going to the men's room himself.

Then as planned, I entered the deserted chapel and gave a low but teary chuckle. Ok po bosing Lord, sabi niyo eh.

Staying up til 5 am does things to your brain. You feel hyper and sluggish at the same time it's disconcerting. I feel like I wanna sarcastically break out into song here at the office. But Tanya's currently doing that. She's singing a deliberately off-key version of "I Could Not Ask for More" and making ewoks/mojacko-like sounds in between lines. I could imagine how liberating it must be. But I restrain myself lest we all look like nakabatak kami. Balbie implores wag ko na daw sabayan. Isa-isa lang.

Hay, kakaloka tong araw na to. I need a puff, i think. Just to steady my nerves.

Maya's birthday bash was a riot! :)

When maya announced that she'll be inviting friends and icsi people over on her birthday, Majen and I jumped the gun. We wouldn't miss organizing a party for anything! And Maya really deserved a fun party in her honor. Immeditely, we volunteered to be the drinks and decor committee. being the action-starved control freaks that we are, Majen and I have been making kulit to Maya that we'll take care of things as long as she shows us the money. Todo lista lista ito at panay ang pag-conceptualize.

I don't think any of our housemates ever had a party complete with decor and stuff. The neon-construction-paper-around-candles treatment was a no-brainer. It had been the staple pampa-effect in atsca parties and ibang crowd 'to so we had to do that too. We stationed lots of candles on the floor and on the steps. Our fluorecents were too harsh so we had to wrap hot pink yema wrappers around them to diffuse the white light. I felt like saying, "Yeah baby, yeah!" Haha. Our house didn't even have a couch and there were only a few chairs around so we had to pull-out our mattresses and cover them with sarongs.

That it was a week-day and most of the people were foreigners (Maya's classmates from Tibet, Indonesia, and Vietnam) prevented us to actually mix up alcoholic drinks. Malay namin kung ano trip nila, di ba? We just bought Coke and spiked the punch. Of course lai helped coz this is her department. According to the guests, sarap daw. I doubt the foreigners even knew that there was alcohol in there. We didn't tell. Sayang we didn't even have beer (Kinapos sa oras). It wouldv'e been perfect with the spicy kaldereta we ordered from Ate Cora at LHS.

Milan also was there. Majen and I asked if we could bring Milan over. The first reaction of my housemates was, "Sige ok lang pero paano yan, sino mag-entertain sa kanya?" To which I replied, "Si MIlan kailangan may mag-entertain? Baka siya pa ang mang-entertain!" Surely enough, Milan took the stage..er made a stage pala.. and asked everyone what we wished for Maya on her birthday. He asked us to introduce ourselves and even made the foreigners say I love you in their native tongue. If you've met Milan, you'd know that he could make any event seem like a carnival. Hehe. And I meant that in a good way. One thing good about him isa that you can put him anywhere and he'll survive. Gosh, he'd even thrive in a swamp and introduce us to his newfound alligator friends.

When the party ended, Majen and I were still hyped and we even influenced the whole dorm gang to put away things which we meant to fix today. After 30 minutes the place was spic and span. It is even more orderly now after the party than any other day in that house's history.

We were suprised that everything ran smoothly. Milan's party review? "Wow guys, this turned out to be a smashing success!" O di ba? Sarap when you see people having a good time and knowing you had something to do with it. I even joked Majen, baka gusto niya maging party planning. Tag team kami. At least may extra raket. Hehe.

adventures with the python master

I woke up this the morning, all groggy and still wanting to linger a bit more on my bed. But no, this is what I woke up to!


good morning sunshine!

Well, it was Majen actually who saw it first. She was hanging up some of her undies in our laundry area and was totally gobsmacked to find a huge slithery snake coiled up a foot away from her. So with all the ruckus she created screaming for her mother (ok, I probably would do the same thing if I were her...), I had to see what was going on. And true enough it was a snake, a huge python more like.

Good thing all six of us were still in the house. Toi had class so he had to go but I couldn't possibly leave until we got rid of the thing. Ate Oth texted her boss saying she'll be late so I also texted the situation to my boss and one of my officemates.


Me: Hi alice, I'll be late 2day. Bka mag-SLP ng morning. Bglang may snake kc d2 sa bahay nmin. Mejo malaki cya. I'll find sum1 to get it muna.
Alice: Yikes, scary nman yn. Cge ingat n wg mkagat. U myt be the next valentina!

Me: Hi Tan, I'll be late 2day. Baka mag-SLP ng morning. Pakisulat nlng s board. Bglang may snake kc d2 sa bahay nmin. Malaki cya. I'll find sum1 to get it muna.
Tanya: Ok. Magpaka-darna ka nlng at lunukin mo ang bato mo.

I mean seriously. Don't they know this is a situation? To think they're in different rooms and they actually think alike. I mean, ok I'd probably say some similar things if this happened to either one of them too. We're not from the same office for nothing, But still!

We were watching the snake for a few minutes not knowing what to do. And then it came, an idea. I remember a long-haired guy in our neighborhood who had pet snakes. We must call him, and ask him to get rid of the snake for us. Or he can keep it. I mean, as a person who has pet snakes, he'll feel socially reponsible to help get a potentially dangerous snake out of a residence won't he? And we did buy ice cream from their store a couple of months back, didn't we? He'll probably do this out of good will or just to return a favor or something. He looked like he's a nice kind of guy.

So Ate Oth and Tin went to fetch him while I rushed into the shower and hoped that no teeny weeny snakes would come out of the drainage. The guy arrived just as I finished my bath. He looked kinda groggy himself, like he had gone straight off the bed and just tied his hair to a ponytail. I was only half-dressed and was peering out of the bathroom and trying to see what was happening. And then he comes from the backdoor with holding the snake like it was just a puppy. We called him because we thought that being someone with snakes, he probably had a hook to get it with and a mesh bag or something. But no, he was petting the hideous thing with his hands. He was explaining that his pet snake had been lost for two weeks but he wasn't sure if it was this one. He said it was a burmese python but it isn't dangerous. Looks like he's full, he observed. And then I saw the snake's belly with a big lump. I think of the kittens dawdling around our neighborhood and I grimace.

I mentioned that I also saw a guy a few houses away who had a pet snake and asked if he couldbe the owner and he said, "Ah si Jeff. Hindi siguro kasi mas maliit yung..." So naturally, being someone who had 15 male cousins, I'm kind adept at detecting icky green stuff. I super tried to supress a chuckle and I was poker faced and all that. No one else even noticed but the guy probably noticed he was saying things wrong. So he rephrased his statement saying, "Maliit yung ahas doon." But that's that. And...why am I still smiling?

After answering questions about snakes and letting Majen pet the snake, the guy left whithout us even asking his name. Everyone suggested a name for him like snake man or something but we ened up with Python Master (pronounced PIH-TON MASTAH which an oopmph!) Hahaha. Suits him. Ate Oth said he was talking someone over the cellphone while he was checking for familiar markings on the snake. We suspect that he was taking Parseltongue to the snake and used the cellphone as a ploy so we won't think he's some kind of wacko.


piton mastah in action. whoa!

After that some tanod and some tambays hovered over our gate because Majen's officemate from Pathways who was also from the village called for a tanod. The tambays said they saw PM pass by and that sayang, sana we just asked them to get the snake. They asked us if we knew how much that costs. Apparently, it costs a lot. Then Ate Oth remembered from her law classes that if a pet is lost, anyone can claim it after 20 days. Damn, we should've said yes when PM asked if we wanted to keep the thing. We'd sell it then divide the loot or something. But I doubt that too. If that snake had stayed, Majen would never agree to sell it. She's gotten quite fond of it, I'd say.

Hay. Interesting morning, don't you think?

eating words

Everytime a conversation about being hospitalized comes up, I always end up smugly announcing that I've never been hospitalized before. All that changed when last Saturday, while gallivanting in megamall, my aunt had to rush me to the freakin' Medical City because I was suffering extreme abdominal and stomach pains.

God, I only thought it was a minor case of dismenorrhea. But then I started to go pale and had to go to the ladies' room because I was having a really bad case of diarrhea and sod it, I even had to puke in the mop closet. In the mop closet! There, in megamall! Talk about wa-poise. My hands and feet were shaking so badly and I could hardly breathe much less walk. We had to ask the lady who was next in line at the taxi bay if we could grab hers. She must've seen how ghostly I was so she relented.

After what seemed like forever, we finally got to the ER and man, the people there are really alert. I was whisked into a wheelchair immediately, no questions asked, and was brought to the bed. The doctor (who was quite cute) asked me questions and I think I answered coherrently. Although it felt like my stomach was gonna explode and I was saying "Oh God!" repeatedly, I think I was quite lucid. I even managed to think dammit, I haven't even had my pedicure yet and this doctor is so hot, diyahe naman! Haha. Kagagahan. I mean really, it was only then that I experienced a scene I only normally saw in movies. It's true pala you can hardly open your eyes because of the pain you suffer at that instant. But no, I had to muster up enough strength to open those damn eyes. I had to see. I had to see his nametag! It was almost bathetic that when I finally was able to squint at his white coat, the super bright lights on the ceiling prevented me from making sense out of the characters. Bugger. And then they were injecting something into my veins and the pain subsided a bit.

I stayed in the hopsital for about five hours. They had to send me to the women's health wing (read: delivery room) in a wheelchair. People were curiously looking at me thinking maybe I had a miscarriage or something. Weird. They ran a lot of tests on me just to rule our any possiblity of a reproductive helath disorder but they saw nothing to be worried about. I even had a pregnancy test because apprently it was SOP. Then I had to go to the ultrasound room in a hospital gown and a wheelchair to get my ultrasound (I'd rather not go into details here). I get more sideward glances. Still, no alarming results.

At around six in the evening I was sent back to the ER to be dicharged. So I was able to get the doctor's name from the OB Gyne who attended to me and was wondering how old he was and where he went for med school and if he really was mabait as he sounded (the way he sounded really concerned yet calm when I was trashing around in pain impressed me). And then as if he was reading my mind, he came over and asked if I was okay. I nearly swooned. I said I was okay and thanked him. And then he joked that I really gave my aunt quite a scare.

It was only then that I realize this is the freakin Medical City, a top of the line, high end, posh hospital. And I am here for what? Dismenorrhea? Diarrhea? I remember drinking a weird-tasting KFC iced tea for lunch. What a total LOSER. I mean, I'd have wanted my first hospital experience to be more serious event. I'd have wanted blood oozing from my body or having na internal hemorrhage from a freak accident dammit. It's more glamorous that way.

But then again, I observe that I actually enjoyed that afternoon save from the times when I was reeling in pain. It was a rather novel experience and the best thing is that I didn't have to pay for the bills! I have Fortune Care Medicare. Get one if you don't have one. Sobrang sulit.

Haay, what a weekend.

***
Ok, I google-searched the ER doctor and learned a few things about him. He's 28 (pwede sa +10 -2 ko), batch 2000 sa UERM. Too bad he isn't much of a friendster person. He limits viewing of his profile to his friends and his last log-in was in January. Nyerks, malas.

italy at midnight

A sleepless night. Two slices of whole wheat bread. Cheese. A slice of a big plump and juicy tomato. A sprinkle of dried basil leaves. An oven toaster. A generous drizzle of extra virgin olive oil. Celestiale!

petix naman o

You may be surprised to find this blog functional again. Yeah, well... I've been on the petix mode lately. I spend a few minutes every now and then to find a suitable template but it was only yesterday that I found this. So I spent much of the day tinkering with html codes modifying this and that--a formidable task for a mere polsci grad such as I. This template doesn't come with an archive linking system though. Anyone knows how to create one?

Just to clarify (defensive), I'm not slacking off at work. In fact, I'm worried sick. My team is organizing FGD's (that's focused group discussion for you) to know about religious attitudes of people accross different social strata. So far, we've finished doing four and I've even transcribed all. This leaves us with one more-- the upper class. Fr. Jack actually predicted that we would have difficulties reaching the rich, much more inviting them over to talk about their religious beliefs for about two hours. All our key contact persons either declined outright apparently because they were busy or asked to be reminded everyday. Naturally we dropped them and we're still searching for one person who can assure us that he/she can easily invite 12-15 participants. Two of the people in the diocese of Parañaque are helping us find someone and told me to give them till Thursday. That's why I'm in the petix mode lately. With almost everything done, all I have to do is wait... and worry. Deadline of report is June 1st. That leaves us only two weeks of transcription and analysis.

Nice. First post in a while and I'm ranting again. well then, onto more fun stuff. Last weekend, Elaine and I splept over at Madie's (and Keith's, and Wee's, and Kathy M's) place in Makati. Too bad Chel, Pau, and Lani couldn't join us as we originally planned. We were all supposed to have dinner at Gateway (the new libis?!) but things came up so Elaine and I decided to crash at Madie's instead. After "In Good Company" at G4, we spent the whole night chatting bout anything and everything. We even ordered bacon mushroom cheeseburgers at Wendy's at 3:00 am. I tell you that is the surest way to get FAT! Gosh I missed these hang-out, dali-patubo-tayo-ng-pimples sessions. It's been a while since I slept in the morning when you can say "Mhy ghulay, Mhay ilhaw nah" and I must say I had difficulty driving Mr. Sandman away. Good thing I got a caffeine kick from the coke, which by the way I also haven't drank in a while (you actually enjoy simple things when you deprive yourself of them once in a while...hehe).

A few hours later, Elaine and I boarded the bus home (actually to Megamall because Elaine had to meet Al there and Galleria because I had to meet my aunt there too) and we were talking about how we missed college. Actually I said I also was looking forward to the next stage of our lives when I'll get invited to their weddings or be told to be a ninang to their babies. Which is true. I mean, ain't it cute visiting friends and their babies? But then again, it wouldn't be that cute if I were the one being visited. Oh well...ok, perhaps not.

Yahoo! it's raining. I'll be walking home to my little nice house in Barangka in a while. Ateneo is always nice after the rain. I just hope I won't run into those hideous hideous frogs!

you were near

Thunderclaps disturb
the sunny backdrop
of this garden of thoughts.
I welcome nature's uncertainty
only to bring back a year
and two turns of calendar pages
when I sat on a bench beside a cross
where the air was thinner
but somehow it was easier to breathe.

what's in a name

Today, someone I'm crushing on called be by my name. And we haven't even known each other that much yet. I don't know why it felt nice.

See, for the longest time, I've been detesting my name. There's something so confrontational about the name Diana, I think. There's this discomfort not only on my part but also from the one who said it. So I've tried to tone it down into Diane, Deej, or Dj. And it seems to be working out just fine. But then again, there's this nagging question at the back of my head: why the hell am I scared of my own name?

In different kinds of literature, someone's name is very significant in that it holds meaning to the bearer's person. In some Biblical passages, the name of a person is given much importance as name equals one's existence. The naming of the animals and plants in Genesis for example meant the recognition of the existence of these creatures. Also, in Isaiah is is written: "I created you, I redeemed you, I called you by name, you are mine." That identity invokes a sense of vocation or calling. I am God’s minister, the incarnation of God’s love. I am the body of Christ, meant to be an instrument of God’s love.

Could it mean therefore that by shunning my name, I am also shunning my own person? Could it be that I am denying my own existence? Is it logical to suspect that not embracing my name also says that I do not embrace my idenity and my vocation as an instrument of God? How important is name acceptance in living our lives?

In an effort to know about my name and its implications to my person, I researched on name etymologies and this is what I found:



Diana:
Probably derived from an old Indo-European root meaning "heavenly, divine", related to dyeus (see ZEUS). Diana was a Roman goddess of the moon, hunting, forests, and childbirth, often identified with the Greek goddess Artemis.

Er, although it seems that the godess Diana has a deep sense of responsibility like I think I do myself, I know "heavenly" and "divine" can't be words to decribe me. I am aware though that a name is not all there is to make a personality. Different personalities and temperaments make up diffrent Dianas. Still, I remain bothered by the fact that I am not at peace with my name.

Q: What is your name and where did it come from? D'ya like it?

goodbye hearthrob, hello nemo.

THE BAD NEWS:
I didn't make it to the three job openings at World Vision, the international organization I was talking about. Apparently, there were many applicants even twice my age who have many years of research experience under their belts. The only consolation I got was that my interviewer said the WV board had a great deal of difficulty in the deliberations, that I made it to the top 6 picks, and that they'd be looking forward for my re-application in the future should I be interested still. He was quite nice, my interviewer. He even gave me advice regarding my future and said I can call him at WV anytime if I needed something.

THE GOOD NEWS:
ICSI is hiring me and I start Monday! I'm happy and quite excited at the thought that I'd be working already...for real. Haha. I hope I can contribute a considerable lot to the institution and enjoy my work and the people at the same time. Gosh, there's so much to do: get a place within the area (I hope there's vacancy in my previous dorm. I need someplace cheap!), buy clothes (my clothes are all in Aparri), acquire needed documents, etc. etc.

Working within Ateneo will be great becasue it won't be that difficult for me to adjust. But I realize that there's a danger in this too. There's a tendency to be cooped up within the environment and my growth as a person can be compromised. I have to constantly remind myself that I'm no longer a student, that I have more responsibilities, and that there's a larger world out there.

TODAY ON YM
Me: Syet, ang tanda ko na...
Pao: Hindi ka pa matanda. Mas mature ka lang! LOL
(Pao, sino niloko mo? Ang tanda na talaga natin! Bwahaha!)

update

To those of you who wish to know, my Monday interview went well. I actually even enjoyed it. :) I was inetrviewed by a Filipino and a foreigner ( of Indian or Sri Lankan descent, I'm not sure )and they were very receptive and easy to talk to. After the interview I was assigned to write a reseacrh proposal to assess the needs of an poor community for its social and economic development. An introduction to the study was also required. I just hope I'll get shortlisted and eventually accepted. There is stiff competition though. That, I am sure of. I saw their applicant files and man, were they very thick!

Anyhoo, I did what I planned to do: enjoy the interview. So ayun, masaya na ako. I am so thankful for the outpour of support from my friends. Thanks to those who texted. Milan even called me up and that surely did wonders to my nerves. He even gave me interview tips. The main thing he said was that every interview has to have some drama. Haha. Typically Milan. It seems to have worked though. Thanks Milan! *hugs*

Oh, I almost forgot. There even was a bonus to my day. I bumped into one of Aparri's heartthrobs before the interview. O di ba, pag sinuswerte nga naman ang araw mo... We were playmates when I was about eight but we kinda lost touch after (rival schools, different circles). We chatted for a while and I learned that he also works in the building. Sabi ko, syet, another reason to want to get accepted.

Ehem...

In other news, my 2nd interview at ICSI also was okay. At least it was better than the 1st one. Ma'am Jing the Executive Director, and Fr. John Carroll SJ were my interviewers. Sabi ko, syet di ba si Fr. Carroll yung nagsusulat ng Theo 141 readings? Baka naman may itanong siya tungkol dun at magmukha akong mababaw. the fact that Ma'am Jing was also an AtSCAn added pressure. Inisip ko dapat brilliant ako. EB pa man din ako dati. Baka isipin patapon na AtSCA nowadays because of EBs like me. Forever curse to ng isang AtSCA EB member. Haaay. Although there were many serious quiestions, it turned out that Father John and Ma'am Jing were not that intimidating. In fact, they were also very warm. It's like we were only doing an individual consultation.

After the interview and a written exam, I went to see Al at ACED and made tambay (oo na, cono na kung cono!) at the atsca room--for three hours! Grabe, everytime I made an attempt to leave, may pipigil sa akin. It was nice though to make tambay again. Na-miss ko na mag-iwan ng bag sa AtSCA table tapos wallet lang at cellphone and binibitbit ko. Mwaha! Feeling estudyante parin.

Speaking of buhay estudyante, I saw "Nemo" my one and only (but alas, it came a little too late) Ateneo crush today. As usual, we got into that small talk routine (Gosh, will we ever ever get through that stage?!). I don't know why when I see him he always looks edgy and ilang. Punyeta, may nagsabi na ata sa kanya na crush ko siya eh. Panira! All I want is to be well, a friend. Tsaka baka magfeeling (inwardly) na yun noh. This always always happens. I'm glad the moment I see him but then after, the whole incident stumps me. Dang! Why does he have this effect on me.

Ok, ok. I'll stop ranting. Oo na, at least I get to see him di ba? Ok na rin yon. Hay buhay.

I need valium

An international humanitarian organization has just called me for an interview. Yipee! Yipee! Yipee! (abot tenga ang ngiti :P) I'm so excited that I keep imagining myself already working there. I try to stop myself knowing that it'll be doubly devastating, having imagined all those things, if I mess up the interview. I'm so hyped up and I love-hate the feeling.

Monday, I either get hired or mired...in shit that is. Oh God. I need your prayers.


***
Wait, what if this was one of those times when God decides to bring you up just to let you down, in order for you to be able to empathize with all those who have experienced the same thing, in order for you to be a little bit kinder? Oooh, help me. I'm a bunch of jumbled nerves.