To write about something completely unthought of is uncharacteristic of me. I just have to do something today which involves something other than listening to interview recordings and transcribing them verbatim. I still have two 90-minute tapes to go but I think I need a break. I often need breaks during the day. That's why I stay late in the office to make up for the lost time slacking off. Before working at ICSI, I kinda thought I had a very long attention span. Turns out, I'm the type to do different things at once or I get really unproductive. I'd like to be a quick and focused worker but I simply am not. Something to aim at, I guess.
I learned something today. Well it's not really a new discovery. It's more of a confirmation of my own theories. That little detail merely put shady events from other people's lives in a neat timeline for my brain to analyze. Fuck. I don't know if I should be happy or not. It's already a sickness I guess for me to be over-analytical about myself and the people I'm interested in. Whenever I feel, I have to know why I'm feeling things. I have to know where they are coming from and if it's right to feel that way. The objectification of feeling sometimes kills it. Other times objectification only augments it. But the process usually takes long so much so that when I decide to act, the moment has already passed. It's like always getting to the platform just as you watch the train pull off. It's depressing if you thought about it, really.
I hate it that it's so obvious when I stay up late the previous night. My eyes get puffy and chinked up at the same time in the morning. I hate it more that it's so unobvious when I like someone. The problem with me is that I don't flirt. Theoretically, I know the things that ought to be done. I just can't get myself to do them. The tendency is to hide the feeling. I've been doing this for the longest time. I guess I do it out of habit. And now that I want to break free, things still don't just work out fine. With sarcastic jibes and crass statements issuing from my mouth, I expect to stay in the pare-hood level for a lot longer. To paraphrase one line from Mike Gayle's "My Legendary Girlfriend," I'd like to think that my obnoxiousness is part of my seduction technique but it isn't. It's sheer blatant crapness.
Why oh why wasn't I born male? Then I won't have to be sickeningly sweet?
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