They say that it is always the last stretch that's most difficult. My heart is tired of the pressure I place on it to be okay. I want to be okay. I feel I'm nearly there. I am nearly healed from the wounding that I have mostly inflicted upon myself. My healing style is very chill. I let time pass and pick up lessons here and there, insights gleaned from the drudgery and wonder of daily life. But at this point, I want to speed it up already. I'm growing impatient.

Good things have surfaced from this time, though. I have learned what I want and don't want out of life, out of my relationships, out of myself and how I interact with people. I am not angry anymore. I understand that people make mistakes. I made mistakes -- chronic ones. I didn't know I was making them until it was too late. I am confronted by the things I have done and not done that must have fucked people up. But that's done. I think I know how to avoid them from now on and prevent myself from getting hurt and hurting people in that way.

More recently, I have learned to say no to things and yes to some. Most things are a no. I want to say more yeses, but so far nothing has inspired me to engage more fiercely and enthusiastically with whatever it is others would think I should engage with. That's the thing with authenticity: I can't bullshit myself that I'm having a good time and everything's okay anymore. When I know something's not right or something's contrived, I no longer playfully banter to make things seem alright. I no longer scramble to come up with look-at-the-bright-side ideas. I'm okay for things to be what they are, even if it means they're boring or awkward or sad. I don't worry and obsess as much, so that's good.

I want to be excited about projects and things and people again, though. So far, everything falls short. My feelings fall short. Everything just seems muted, blunt, meh. I've grown used to it, but I'm also scared it will stay like this forever.

My brother got a dog, so there's that. I love that dog. I never knew four stubby paws, a ball of muscly fur, and dopey eyes can make me feel inexplicably buoyant.

I knew I shouldn't have taken that extra hour to sleep.

I was in this dusty place with parked trucks. It was an outdoor stage of sorts with no inclined portion, just that space in front of a barn-looking wooden building where actors were doing a pre-something performance. I was part of the audience, but also it dawned on me while I was shuffling around that I knew the actors and that they were opening for a bigger event which I was part of.

As I watched, I remembered that I should be taking photos. I couldn't find my phone so I rushed out of the crowd, ducked under the truck toward our van where I thought my phone was. I was rushing because I knew the opening act outside would be short. Then, while running towards the van, I was able to grope on my phone in my left pocket where I didn't usually put it. So I ran back, ducked under the truck again, and passed local people who looked like handymen and mechanics speaking in another language, their local language. It turned out we were in another country. One mechanic was looking at me. He was handsome and pleasant-looking under all that grime and I nodded to him while his less attractive companion jeered my rushing bumbling passing self in their native tongue. I chose to ignore him and rushed towards the spectators. Suddenly, I felt my phone had a charger attached to it. Dammit, I also needed to charge? Again?

I unplugged my phone off its charger, took a snapshot of my girl boss who was currently in a fight scene. I'm not sure if she was my girl boss. In the dream, it felt she was someone of authority, someone I esteemed well enough. The setting was medieval and she looked like Cersei Lannister with the short hair (I do not even watch Game of Thrones so I do not know what that means). Then I rushed to Jo-em Bascon (who's a real-life crush) and I was dismayed to discover that the best of his parts was done. Now he and two others were dead, tied to an wooden execution wall. I longed to take a photo of his handsome face but his head was bent. I was not familiar with the play and when he and the two others started to jerk around and sort of blissfully dance a dead men's dance tied to the wall, I took some photos through my phone, but in my excitement, knew I did not take the best shots. As a photographer, you always know when you have the shot or you don't. Also, my phone was not responding as fast as I wanted it to. I cursed it under my breath.

The opening act ended. The actors dispersed and I saw R, a photographer friend who also acted in the play. As I was late and my focus was fixed on my "boss" Cersei and Jo-em Bascon, I almost forgot he was there. In fact, I didn't really see his performance. In real life, R is a jolly, funny, very talented photographer friend whom other people say have a crush on me. I somehow knew this although he never made any clear advances. He was just excited to see me all the time. He's a kindhearted soul. I really like him but in a teddy bear kind of way so I pretend to be dense. Anyway, in the dream, R saw me and I said my congrats and asked whether they will repeat the performance tomorrow. I hoped I would finally be able to watch it and take decent photos. He said that they will, but this week, only tomorrow, and then the troupe will be back next weekend. I patted his back playfully while he was walking toward the area where there were Hollywood studio-like stoops, and as I am wont to do, complained that I didn't get any good shots of them. He said I made the wrong decision to use my phone and I should have used my real camera instead. It was an expected quip from a hard-core photojournalist. Somehow whenever I see R, I feel guilty of not getting serious about my photography as he'd like me to be.

R sat down the stoop and I saw Rob Ty sitting there. I said, "Hi Rob" like it was not weird that he was there. After I woke up, I blurted out, What the fuck was Rob Ty doing in my dream? It was just a non-speaking cameo but I hadn't even seen the guy for years and we're not even Facebook friends so I couldn't have seen his picture and included it in my subconscious.

Anyway, I said to R that I had better get going coz I remembered they might need me inside. Everyone was now in the barn-like structure. The dust outside was setting. I entered the door which opened to the backstage, not the front part as I expected, and that's when I realized I was playing the lead role in the musical which just started. A musical!!! Lead role! Well, sort of. The lead role was shared by my character and an alter-ego played by Rachel Ann Go who was now singing on stage in a bustier. I froze. I was suposed to enter the stage in a few minutes and I could not remember my first line at all. I paced up and down the back stage and looked for a printed script. I asked a production staff who in my dream was embodied by the mother of my high school honor roll rival--a stern and haughty doctor in real life. She said no script. I peeped through the curtain and saw glorious golden stage lights and Rachel Ann slaying it in front of a delighted full-house crowd. I wrung my hands, felt my  blood drain, felt the world closing in on me, tried to speak my lines to myself once again but nothing was coming. Upon my cue to enter the scene, I gathered all of my will from the deep recesses of my dream-state mind to wake up.

I opened my eyes swearing. What an escapist.

I've finally grown opaque

After great pain, a formal feeling comes 

By Emily Dickinson

After great pain, a formal feeling comes – 

The Nerves sit ceremonious, like Tombs – 

The stiff Heart questions ‘was it He, that bore,’ 

And ‘Yesterday, or Centuries before’? 

The Feet, mechanical, go round – 

A Wooden way 

Of Ground, or Air, or Ought – 

Regardless grown, 

A Quartz contentment, like a stone – 

This is the Hour of Lead – 

Remembered, if outlived, 

As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow – 

First – Chill – then Stupor – then the letting go –

I think my not smoking for 26 days has taken a toll on my cerebral activities. I've just been dozing on and off for the last month and watching funny pet videos for mental stimulation, however spasmodic. I feel soul-dead, if there ever is such a thing. Like if the otherworldly substance in every human should vibrate, mine is vibrating on the lowest decibels. I sound utterly drunk but I'm not. All are such adults and I hadn't had alcohol in months! Also, adulting is only exciting when you're adulting with someone. Did you know that we are in the last of the two-year Tetrad? Like from 2014-2015, there had been 8 eclipses, 4 in each year. And this will happen again in 600 years. Well, I hate to admit it but in hindsight, all the shitty things in my recent life (and the most path-altering) happened during those eclipses. The last one, which happens to be a supermoon and blood moon at the same time, happens in 24 hours, so let's see what that will bring. Optimist astrologers and new age buffs say a Tetrad brings about an awakening. Well. My soul sure is up for a rude one. Slap me now, universe. Thank you.

The lovely Shirley MacClaine. #theapartment

I've been sleeping raggedly for the past week. The other day, I had a weird daytime dream.

Opening scene: I was in a taxi while Manila was experiencing weird weather. Outside it looked like Gotham rain and dusk and smog and fog. Taxi went under a tunnel. I was seated directly behind the driver and then suddenly, a guy appeared on the front passenger seat. I was threatened but kept my cool. He said he was just hitching a ride and it seemed as though he and the driver had some discreet transaction. The driver had two right hands. The other one sprung out from the outer right part of his right forearm. Then the passenger got down and I discovered he was a police officer. He made some chit chat with the taxi driver from the street. When the taxi moved, I let out a sign of relief.

I was supposed to go to suburban Cubao to see Toni although she called me to wait for her at home. (In real life, Toni was at Gateway and I napped waiting for her at home). I had the address where I would supposedly catch her but I was not familiar with the place. Instead of dropping me off in front of the address, the taxi driver told me to get off a few meters from it. But he accompanied me and we walked towards the place. It was a compound of around 12 small detached and semi-detached apartments divided in two rows. The front of the 6 houses faced the other front of the other 6. There was a narrow paved road in between rows but for pedestrians, not cars. There were no cars. It was a commune of some sort. People were hanging out outdoors, having dinner, talking, etc. There were stoops, or actually, azoteas of old. The number of people would have been 5 per house, on average. In the middle of a row was a clump of restaurants that looked high end. It was maybe where I was supposed to meet Toni, but these were all closed. I tried to text her but I ran out of load.  The taxi deiver had already left through the back exit. I followed him only to discover the back exit led to a barbed wire fence. Where did the taxi driver pass? The weirdest part of this was that I felt paralyzed. I stood there at one corner and waited for Toni to call. I'd rarely felt this lost in my life, I am usually comfortable in unfamiliar places and know what to do to get to where I should be. In this dream, I did not. I did not feel worried though, just disoriented and baffled.

Then I sat on one of the outdoor dining tables, talked with the people, but did not ask them help about getting out of the place. It seemed I was resigned to my fate. I had no plan, I was not trying anything at all. (When I woke up, I realized that was the weirdest part). Suddenly someone I know arrived with a group of guys -- Neil, photographer friend who is now a real estate broker. He just passed the most recent exam and is now posting weird stuff on Facebook, articles on economics, and personal finance, and business, never about photography. So Neil came up to me and greeted me in a joking manner, "Huy nasan na yung glasses ko, winala mo. Nasan na?" To which I said, "Huh? Sayo ba yun? Akala ko kay LJ (this other photorgapher)." We were thrilled to see each other there. Neil said, "Hindi. Sa akin yon. Anong ginagawa mo dito?" So I say, "Ewan ko nga e. Di ko nga alam paano lumabas dito e." He says, "Sige, may meeting lang ako. Sabay na tayo mamaya lumabas." So he invites me to this house where he was supposed to have a meeting with four other guys. At this point I was confused whether Neil was really Neil or Benedick, a high school friend who is now an architect. They look alike. Anyway, the guys were watching a film through a contraption which they had to fill in with tape -- yes, tape. It was an Al Pacino thing and I laughed because I'd already seen that movie and I liked it. I had the urge of spewing out spoilers. So I just sat on the floor and did some crafts (huh) while waiting and tried to behave.

The end.

Fuck men. Men are whiny sons of wankers who feel entitled to the sweetest loving care there is without even having to do the same kind of caring themselves. And when tired women leave them, they act as though their depressed sorry-ass state should be dignified by a loser of a comrade and even sympathized with by another woman who would gladly show her tits and suck his dick because it's the most natural and basic thing to do, caring for another human being with her fucked up motherly instincts. And even that becomes too much for the poor sap when that other woman starts to show her real personal issues. I mean fuck you, assholes. Go have sex with a silicon doll.

I just want to hunker down and work everyday and, on weekends, take long walks, cook good meals, and have quiet conversations (cuddles included) with someone. Simple.

And so it goes. You meet someone whom you find attractive. I mean, really, you wouldn't mind waking up to that face everyday. He helps you carry your stuff (yes, shoulder bag with laptop, and not awkwardly) and is an overall attentive and thoughtful person. He speaks nicely to his elder sister on the phone. You like his laugh and the way his face crinkles when he smiles. You don't mind that he's a scientist because he's into social development anyway and he dives, climbs mountains, and bikes to his NGO everyday. You find his apartment cozy, i mean really, you can live there everyday. You even find his habit of turning off unused lights impressive, not annoying. You find it cute that he hides a stick of cigarette from his sister but later casually offers you weed instead. You inspect his many bookshelves and discover they'd merge beautifully with yours. You like his framed Japanese paintings, even his huge Matrix toy. But then, you confirm a hunch--he's married...with two kids. The family is far away but their faces are on frames littering that perfect space. The best things in life are taken.

If ever I have a kid with a great voice (ahem, it is possible, I have recessive singer genes), I'd be playing Disney and Broadway music in the mornings, throw in Motown, some rock and some opera, even rap and reggae, have him/her take voice lessons if he/she wants. We'll go to plays, concerts and gigs, lots of them, and we'll have so much fun.

That's because I came across Mallory Bechtel while looking for The Last 5 Years covers. She's so talented and lovely and amazing and I want to know someone like her in a real overwhelming way. Is that weird?

“And—maybe it’s ridiculous to go on in this vein, although it doesn’t matter since no one’s ever going to see this—but does it make any sense at all to know that it ends badly for all of us, even the happiest of us, and that we all lose everything that matters in the end—and yet to know as well, despite all this, as cruelly as the game is stacked, that it’s possible to play it with a kind of joy?”
...

“And as terrible as this is, I get it. We can’t choose what we want and don’t want and that’s the hard lonely truth. Sometimes we want what we want even if we know it’s going to kill us. We can’t escape who we are. (One thing I’ll have to say for my dad: at least he tried to want the sensible thing—my mother, the briefcase, me—before he completely went berserk and ran away from it.)

And as much as I’d like to believe there’s a truth beyond illusion, I’ve come to believe that there’s no truth beyond illusion. Because, between ‘reality’ on the one hand, and the point where the mind strikes reality, there’s a middle zone, a rainbow edge where beauty comes into being, where two very different surfaces mingle and blur to provide what life does not: and this is the space where all art exists, and all magic.

And—I would argue as well—all love. Or, perhaps more accurately, this middle zone illustrates the fundamental discrepancy of love. Viewed close: a freckled hand against a black coat, an origami frog tipped over on its side. Step away, and the illusion snaps in again: life-more-than-life, never-dying. Pippa herself is the play between those things, both love and not-love, there and not-there.

Photographs on the wall, a balled-up sock under the sofa. The moment where I reached to brush a piece of fluff from her hair and she laughed and ducked at my touch. And just as music is the space between notes, just as the stars are beautiful because of the space between them, just as the sun strikes raindrops at a certain angle and throws a prism of color across the sky—so the space where I exist, and want to keep existing, and to be quite frank I hope I die in, is exactly this middle distance: where despair struck pure otherness and created something sublime.

And that’s why I’ve chosen to write these pages as I’ve written them. For only by stepping into the middle zone, the polychrome edge between truth and untruth, is it tolerable to be here and writing this at all.

Whatever teaches us to talk to ourselves is important: whatever teaches us to sing ourselves out of despair. But the painting has also taught me that we can speak to each other across time. And I feel I have something very serious and urgent to say to you, my non-existent reader, and I feel I should say it as urgently as if I were standing in the room with you. That life—whatever else it is—is short. That fate is cruel but maybe not random. That Nature (meaning Death) always wins but that doesn’t mean we have to bow and grovel to it. That maybe even if we’re not always so glad to be here, it’s our task to immerse ourselves anyway: wade straight through it, right through the cesspool, while keeping eyes and hearts open. And in the midst of our dying, as we rise from the organic and sink back ignominiously into the organic, it is a glory and a privilege to love what Death doesn’t touch. For if disaster and oblivion have followed this painting down through time—so too has love.”

- Excerpt From: Tartt, Donna. “The Goldfinch.”

 “But depression wasn’t the word. This was a plunge encompassing sorrow and revulsion far beyond the personal: a sick, drenching nausea at all humanity and human endeavor from the dawn of time. The writhing loathsomeness of the biological order. Old age, sickness, death. No escape for anyone. Even the beautiful ones were like soft fruit about to spoil. And yet somehow people still kept fucking and breeding and popping out new fodder for the grave, producing more and more new beings to suffer like this was some kind of redemptive, or good, or even somehow morally admirable thing: dragging more innocent creatures into the lose-lose game. Squirming babies and plodding, complacent, hormone-drugged moms. Oh, isn’t he cute? Awww. Kids shouting and skidding in the playground with no idea what future Hells awaited them: boring jobs and ruinous mortgages and bad marriages and hair loss and hip replacements and lonely cups of coffee in an empty house and a colostomy bag at the hospital. Most people seemed satisfied with the thin decorative glaze and the artful stage lighting that, sometimes, made the bedrock atrocity of the human predicament look somewhat more mysterious or less abhorrent. People gambled and golfed and planted gardens and traded stocks and had sex and bought new cars and practiced yoga and worked and prayed and redecorated their homes and got worked up over the news and fussed over their children and gossiped about their neighbors and pored over restaurant reviews and founded charitable organizations and supported political candidates and attended the U.S. Open and dined and travelled and distracted themselves with all kinds of gadgets and devices, flooding themselves incessantly with information and texts and communication and entertainment from every direction to try to make themselves forget it: where we were, what we were. But in a strong light there was no good spin you could put on it. It was rotten top to bottom. Putting your time in at the office; dutifully spawning your two point five; smiling politely at your retirement party; then chewing on your bedsheet and choking on your canned peaches at the nursing home. It was better never to have been born—never to have wanted anything, never to have hoped for anything.”

Excerpt From: Tartt, Donna. “The Goldfinch.”

I ordered Jollibee breakfast joys for everybody, although there was nothing joyful about the occasion. We had no sleep and didn't feel like it, but we had to eat. It was the morning after the first night you were killed. You had just been set-up so everyone can pay their last respects. I got to my food after finishing some phone calls to priest and lawyer friends. We had to say mass, I had to know what to do and how to communicate with the police. I also had to update your mom. I had to try to be methodical and bussinesslike to prevent misstep, so that I would not fall into a despair. Later, I got to my cold food, the grease on the meat coagulating and the fried egg already limp and rubbery. I had to choke it down with bitter coffee but the clammy feeling won't wash off. I wanted to hurl it out my gut and hurl the uneaten portions onto the wall. To this day, I can never eat another Jollibee corned beef meal ever again.

Love is wanting to be loved

I know I can be fucking annoying sometimes but that is only a function of my care and concern. And I'm tired of talking to walls and being told to lay off. I've been given this treatment by a brother, a pseudo-lover, a friend. Even if people tell me, "hayaan mo na yung mga taong pinagtatabuyan ka," I still have this nagging feeling that the way to be of help is not to back down but to blast through their closed off hearts and go all in even if it's humiliating. I'm not gonna apologize for who I am. Dammit, I will hug you even if you flail your arms in disgust and anger.

But then again, the reason I might be doing this is not because they need me or any help for that matter, but because I need to reach out and be with them. And it's a need they cannot and might not ever fulfill and I have got to accept that, move on, and focus my energies on people who appreciate my presence in their lives--those who allow me to care for them because they realize I want and need to, it's also for my well-being, and that I can't live otherwise. 

This got me thinking of a movie I watched some 5 years ago. The subplot proposal scene got me: 

People need time and space. I will give these to them not because I don't think it's bollocks, I do, but because I deserve to be in others' who want me to be there. 

Point this sinking boat home, once and for all, will you?

Five years ago, this song was on loop in my playlist. It is a beautiful song that resonated with me then. It was this, UDD's Bipolar, Death Cab for Cutie from Something about Airplanes to Narrow Stairs, and Neruda's poems spoken by different artists for Il Positino that whispered in my ear almost 24/7 since I didn't get enough sleep that whole year. Needless to say, I was always in this melancholy haze which I didn't think I could get out of. Ever.



Today, things aren't that bad. But something remains the same which I hope will change soon. I am always rooting for the people I love, even if it means I root against myself. This is why I liked the song very much. It tells of a person willing to get out of the way of someone else's dream. I hope I would never have to do that again. The first time was crippling. The second time was a little humiliating but mostly sobering. I'd like to think we grow thick-skinned with these things. The point has been made; a third time would be just cruel. I hope that someday I would be the other person's dream.