Day Two: The 30-day writing challenge

There's something so desperate and humiliating about working hard for what you want. Wouldn't it be nice, at the end of your life, to have said that you were quite honestly just very lucky that life turned out the way it did, after all? The element of surprise, life being a gift rather than something you toothed and clawed for, is very appealing. But it's a juvenile and immature wish, isn't it? Even in fairy tales someone made an effort sometime, even if it was usually the prince. Princes slayed dragons, scaled let-down hair or outwitted the evil sorceress, didn't they?

An online vocational coach asked his clients to do the following: 1) make a biography of yourself years from now that is, what would you be doing, where would you be living, who would you be spending time with etc. 2) write your present-day biography 3) close in on the gap. I couldn't, for the life of me, write a single word. I have effectively lost the capability of dreaming. I partly blame the parents whom I have never heard plan something long-term, medium-term, even short-term. "We will own a house when we have the money." "Just pass those college entrance exams and we'll look for where to get your tuition." When I was little, even beach outings depended on how they felt at that particular morning. I'd be up all night, twisting and turning, almost feeling the warmth of the sun on my body and the taste of salt water on my lips, only to be told when the sun came up to go back to bed and maybe next time. One of my most vivid memories of my maternal grandmother was that of her cooking rancid milk and turning it into cheese while singing "Que sera, sera."

On the one hand society has put too much emphasis for asking what you want. Reciprocity is a value in itself--something to wish for maybe, but really, in this day and age, it is becoming more and more something to aspire for or pursue. Without this would turn you into a rug you yourself cannot respect. On the other hand, all major religions have promoted unconditional love. To give and not to ask for any reward. To let your energy flow from your core to the outside world because I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together. But my problem is not really in the not getting it but in the asking. And this may have been because of an unimaginative upbringing  but really, I'm too old to be blaming things in the past. There shouldn't be any difficulty with unconditional love then. However, I am convinced that the only difference with conditional and unconditional love is the granting of the condition. I have a strong feeling that life is always some sort of asking. I don't think I will be fully capable of that.