On Uncertainty

I slept a total of 24 hours these past couple of days and have been eating like a male teenager who's training for a barangay basketball league. I have consumed gallons and gallons of water and yet, I am always tired. Seems like long days on field have taken their toll on me. But another hunch is that something might be subconsciously bothering me. I have lived long enough not to ignore the trend. When I am all mopey, I eat and then sleep!

Today, because of a cancelled meeting I spent most of the day on the internet, napping, watching a Godard film and staring into space. Oh and I also fixed myself some pancakes twice--for breakfast and dinner (cheese and nutella flavors respectively) because the whole batter batch has to be consumed immediately lest it spoils.

I was ready to call it a sad day and prepare for another field interview tomorrow but just a few minutes ago, I came across this quote from my cousin in my news feed. She quotes a dude named Mark Batterson:

"Embrace relational uncertainty. It's called ROMANCE. Embrace spiritual uncertainty, it's called MYSTERY. Embrace occupational uncertainty. it's called DESTINY. Embrace emotional uncertainty. it's called JOY. Embrace intellectual uncertainty. it's called REVELATION."

And then a eureka moment washed over me. I have always been comfortable with intellectual uncertainty. That I don't know a lot of things don't bother me because I am sure I have the ability to learn things. That a lot of things in life cannot be reasoned and explained is also okay with me and I have deep respect for the mysteries of this world.

Lately, I have come to terms with my volatile emotions and accepted that people, including myself, would have to live with my intuitive and feeling nature. I will not change how I am just to make others feel less awkward. I am also in the midst of winging it occupationally and not mind too much if I am not shaping my career the way others shaped theirs, doggedly, single-tracked and with a five-year plan.

I am now convinced that like photographing, life is but a series of reactions and all we can do is react to grace. There is destiny and there is free will. The latter is how you react to the former. There is no "what if," there is only "how then." This is not to say that it is for me not to do anything and just wait for fruitious events to transpire. Like photography, to be able to take a photo, you need to go out there. To seek one's destiny, as it were. I believe that destiny and God's will is the same thing and God's will is most manifested in one's heart's desire. Therefore, I believe that to be able to fulfill one's destiny, a person must seek out that which he truly desires. And one can only do that if one actually dives right into work and reflect some. Not the other way around.

I think I get all those which this Batterson fellow has written in a novel somewhere. But there's one thing left to embrace. Ah yes, relational uncertainty. Romance. Someone tried to teach that to me before but I was still too much a control freak then to be comfortable with the hazy and the unsure. And I bailed even before I could ease myself into the hot and maybe weirdly relaxing pool of sulfur-smelling questions. And he didn't hang around long enough to try to get me in again. It might have looked like too much work.

I wonder how I would fare these days. Of all Batterson suggests, this may be the most difficult. Phhhbt! I am taking one hurdle at a time. For now, my occupational destiny awaits. But I am praying to react positively should the cosmos suggest a romantic clue one day. And I truly hope that I won't be stupid and scared shitless not to astutely pick apart the desires of my brain from the desires of my loins from the desires of my heart. The first two mess things up big time! But maybe please, in a teeny weenie little pleading voice, can i ask that they all point to one and the same person? Pretty please?