If it's just work I'm supposed to do, I would have achieved way much than what I have now. But 50% of my time is spent on other obligations.

Just last month, I helped my brothers look for an apartment, move to that apartment, clean both the old and new apartments and settle them in as comfortably as possible. There were also dinners and lunches with relatives and friends on their return from other countries, their birthdays, and their going away parties. There was acting as travel agent for my parents who will be celebrating their anniversary for the first time out of town since their honeymoon 28 years ago, and the occasional calls and texts for buying stuff like merchandise for the drugstore. I'm in the middle of writing reports for a deadline yet I had to clean up the apartment last weekend for a college roommate who will be staying here for a few days to help settle her sister in her University's residence hall. Today, I accompanied them to ride the train, shop for supplies and arrange the sister's room.

This list reminds me that I still have to ask for my parents' marriage certificates from San Augustin, follow-up reimbursements for that stupid Pacific Educational Plans, renew my passport while filing my parent's passport application forms. My Tita Rosa hates it when I do this, mention things that needs to be done. She says it stresses her out to hear all these things. Which is why since a few months ago, I have stopped mentioning my activities to other people which was just my way of verbalizing these so I can remember better. It's usually not in the form of a rant but more like an enumeration for my purpose. Because really, more than any other time, I am happy to do things for other people now. I figured more than accomplishing things for myself, I feel better when I am useful to others. Or put another way, I hate myself more when I fail people I love than when I fail myself.

My Tita's flagging my toxic nature was timely. Aside from a very preoccupied, somewhat rude and always unavailable City Social Welfare and Development Officer that we my team and I met during fieldwork whom I swore not to be like EVER, it was one of the crucial things that helped me want to be more graceful under pressure. Composure matters especially when people depend on you. And although this was not a value instilled in our household while I was growing up (every little stressful thing is magnified there), I have decided I do not want to spread the negative vibe anymore because life is a handful as it is without people multiplying stress unnecessarily. I am relatively a chillax and jovial person but there is definitely room for improvement.