beyond words

Sometimes, I feel that there are so many things in me I can't communicate to others even though I'd want these expressed. During these times, I get more and more convinced of the Rosseauian concept that language has caused us to be unfree rather than to be free. I try to put down into writing my thoughts and feelings but I always, always fall short. Sometimes it bothers me that I can't share an insight for fear of not doing justice to its depth and mystery. It's the worst feeling. It's like you trying to move your bowels but no shit comes out because, afterall, you're constipated.

Yesterday, I read this piece from the devotional I mentioned a few blog entries back. It somehow told me it was okay to be lost for words. In fact, it is necessary to be so. Because it is in inner silence that we are formed and transformed. It is from this state that we can move toward something we want to be.

Keeping the Flame Alive
Guarding the inner life
Ephesians 1:13-14

We sometimes mistakenly think that every thought should be expressed, every vision proclaimed and every dream explained. We think that everything that takes place in our inner world is ultimately meant for public consumption.

This is clearly not the case. There are things that are sacred and private. We don't usually divulge the intimacies of our love life to others. Similarly, there are intimacies of our interior being that should remain hidden. Henri Nouwen notes that 'silence is the discipline by which the inner life of God is tended and kept alive.' It is in the quietness of our own being that thoughts can be carefully nurtured.

It is there that hopes can be persistently sustained. It is there that dreams can be awakened. In the solitude of our inner life, resolutions can be forged and difficult commitments made. There an uncluttered intimacy can flourish. There the self can be renewed and transformed. There love can grow and that which is sacred can be guarded and protected.

If this interior life is not maintained, we will weaken our inner strength and dissipate our resolve. We will all the more easily run the risk of being swayed by the dominant voices of our time and run the danger of losing ourselves. To keep that which is sacred is not selfishness. It is right to maintain that which guards the self. It is moreover, the seedbed from which courageous actions flow.