the daily grind

the daily grind

~ claustrophobia manila ~
(please click the photo to enlarge)

how to beat abulia

how to beat abulia

“But what is causing you to suffer like this?”

“Nothing. Nothing’s wrong. I just think that we got out of the jungle I don’t think I’ll mind going back to New York where nothing is wrong.”

Skipping the detail of the Abulinix, I revealed to Brigid how I’d come all this way to set about changing my life, but in the end had resolved that my life was just fine as it was. “I didn’t want to tell you that at first. I wanted to surprise you with my new decisive ways. No one trusts a convert.”

“But a convert to what do you mean?”

“I don’t know. To action! I was tired of doing just maintenance on my life. You know, put on clothes, do laundry. Eat food, brush teeth. Excrete waste. Go to work. Have or seek girlfriend…”

“You did have a girlfriend?”

“New York is a really tragically unfair city—there’s such a surplus of attractive women that frequently they end up with people like me! And in addition to maintaining a romantic entanglement of some kind, generally I’d like to keep my friendships. And …”

“But what about Alice? You enjoy her.”

“Listen, a mediocre person can only be so close with other people.”

“But who is mediocre? You are quite unique. You are even very strange.”

“What I’m trying to say” – I felt a little annoyed with Brigid that I wasn’t arriving at a point—“is that I was eager to change or be converted or whatever. But my tastes, my interests, my relationships and beliefs are all really mediocre and typical, okay? And so as of today, what I’ve decided with utter decisiveness is just to resign myself to mediocrity and being totally clichéd.” She looked a lot more concerned than I felt. “No, it’s not so sad. Right now I’m twenty-eight. If a young twenty-eight. But I’m going to be ugly if at forty-two there’s still this like holy grail that I’m longing to trip over—“

“I lose you.”

“Well, I’m well lost okay? Even if I get rid of my hair, off my body I mean, I’m still only kind of good looking.” I was hurt that she didn’t contradict me. “I’m arguably intelligent in my own secret way, but not really very.” Still nothing. “Furthermore I’m misinformed as you constantly inform me.”

“You have made a study of philosophy.”

“You want to know what my study of philosophy is? It’s one enormous elaboration of increasingly total ignorance. You know what Otto Knittel said? He was like ‘Philpsophizing ultimately means nothing other than a beginner.’ He actually said that.” I shook my head.

“I like it.”

“No.” I met her eyes. “For a long time, Bridge, I’ve been thinking of myself as just a beginner who’s some kind of novice at life. But the fact is that I’ve developed a system of mediocre habit as if I’d been working on it for like two hundred years. And it’s in the rut of never learning or changing, but always feeling like you’re about to—that’s where I live, and that’s the rut where I’ve decisively decided I am now content to go on living.” Jolted with feeling I said, “And can you guess what the result of all this will be?”

“You will go on a shooting attack with a gun?”

“No.” I was suddenly calm. “I’ll become just as happy as I’ve always been tempted to be.” An image or vision came to me and I said, “I plan on becoming a motivational speaker traveling across the United States.” My eyes fill with tears in the prospect. “I plan to go around preaching the gospel of mediocrity to already mediocre men. I want to tell them that the new heaven and earth will never arrive until we finally give up on them and accept our florid total mediocrity” – I imagined the packed halls of overweight mediocrities, bald and nodding, their eyes shining with tears—“into the least little ventricle of our average American heart. Or hearts. Our hearts of darknesses!”

-- Excerpt from Benjamin Kunkel's Indecision. Dwight Wilmerding, the main character is a kindred spirit. Glad to know I'm not the only one who's messed up. Oh, and Otto Knittel never said "Philosophizing ultimately means nothing other than being a beginner." Heidegger did.

contemplative photography?

contemplative photography?

(photo taken where the river meets the sea ~ Aparri, Cagayan)

"Through contemplative perception, in standing before reality naked, and letting reality be for us all that it is in itself, we allow reality into our lives in such a way that it is part of who we are and we become part of it. It is through this type of vision (rather than through our frenzied attempts to be everywhere at the same time through fame, travel, excessive activity, gluttonous involvement and monumental achievement) that our personalities become co-extensive with all that is. In contemplation, the torment of the insufficiency of everything attainable, the part of our own lives never being enough of us, is overcome." -- Ronald Rolheiser

analysis is paralysis

analysis is paralysis



tanong: anong gagawin pagkatapos magshoot sa ultra, umuulan at walang masakyan pauwi?

sagot: tumambay sa megamall at palipasin ang rush hour kahit na wala ka nang pera at ang gusto mo lang gawin ay dali-daling umuwi at magmukmok. pumunta ka nalang sa book sale at maghanap ng kakaibang libro. pag may makita kang maganda-ganda, magrason sa sarili at isipin na meron at meron ka pang makikita na mas sulit sa P 150.00 mong puwedeng gastusin. pag nagsawa na, suyurin mo nalang lahat ng bentahan ng sapatos: lahat ng nasa 2nd floor building A, lahat ng istante sa department store, lahat ng mga nahihiwalay sa 3rd floor Building B. lahat lahat. pag napagod ka na, kumain ka nalang sa dati mong kinakainan pag mag-isa ka. doon sa dulo, sa booth, sa walang makakaistorbo. at doon dahan-dahan mong nguyain ang na-order mong pagkain, at lahat ng tanong na sumasayaw sa iyong isipan.

at dahil uwian na ng lahat ng mga empleyado ng mall, lumabas ka na at pumila sa taxi bay. wag ka nang maglakad-lakad sa likod at magbakasakaling makakita ng taxi agad. umuulan. huwag ka nang magshuttle papuntang marikina at mag-jeep mula doon pabalik ng aurora. baka manakaw pa ang camera mo. dito ka nalang, dito ka nalang. mag-antay ka ng isa't-kalahating oras. tutal, ayaw mo na pala muna umuwi at masaya ka namang pinagmamasdan ang mga taong may kanya-kanyang mga kausap: anak, kasintahan, nanay, tatay, kapatid, katrabaho, sarili. tutal, malakas ang tugtog na lumalabas mula sa earphones ng mp3 mo. magtaka ka kung bakit sa bilis ng hampas ng electronica at rock sa iyong mga tenga, tila ang bagal-bagal ng mga bagay sa paligid parang slow-motion. magulat ka naman kung bakit ang mga ilaw ng kotse ay naglalakbay kasimbilis ng iyong pinapakinggan. nakakahilo pero wag mong ipikit ang iyong mga mata. ito iyon, ito na yon. suspended animation. animated suspension. parang pinagsabay ang kanta at ang backmask nito. at sabay ding matatapos. sadyang mapaglinlang ang oras.

at pagbukas mo sa pinto ng taxing kanina mo pa inaantay, huwag ka nang umangal kung ang maririnig mong kanta ay "tama ka" ng eraserheads. hiningi mo 'to.

a case of the stolen photo

photo theft -- it happened to me!


Last Tuesday, July 8, a photo of UST Growling Tigers coach Pido Jarencio was published in the Inquirer Sports Section with an article entitled "La Salle gets a tech, officials spare UST." to show that Green Archers’ coaching staff should not have been slapped a technical foul during an Ateneo vs. Lasalle game on July 6 for not following a UAAP rule on wearing ID’s. The controversial photo shows Mr. Jarencio not wearing an ID during the previous day’s UST vs. UE match proving that UAAP Basketball Commissioner Chito Narvasa was being selective in rule implementation.


I took this photo, which was mentioned in the article and caption to have been submitted by La Salle team officials, while I was covering the July 5 games for inboundpass.com, a website devoted to reporting Philippine collegiate basketball. I was merely doing my job. Apparently, a La Salle fan sent this photo to the Archers' team offcials who in turn released it to various media, PDI included, without my knowledge or permission.

The published image was an altered version of my photo. As you can notice, my watermark below Mr. Jarencio and Jervy Cruz' feet was purposively cropped to conceal the source. Below are the screenshots of an article at inboundpass.com and inboundpass' flickr photostream to prove it.

I emailed and sent a registered mail to Inquirer's chief photographer Mr. Ernie Sarmiento and to Bro. Bernie Oca, Director of the DLSU Office of Sports Development requesting that I be issued an erratum and an acknowledgment letter for this oversight from them respectively.

Mr. Sarmiento replied and promised an erratum. I hope that the erratum comes out tomorrow or Sunday at the latest. Bro. Oca has not yet replied but one of my colleagues at Inboundpass.com talked with DLSU coach Franz Pumaren and the latter had promised to cite Inboundpass.com should they need to use the photo in the future. I don't see a written statement forthcoming.

Image theft is becoming very rampant today. It's just so disappointing that people (very educated ones at that) become very careless, if not malicious, in their use of photos. Inboundpass.com is a web-based company. As such, it is inevitable that we upload images online. I will be following up measures to rectify this mistake. But I just wish that people be very conscious and cautious about copyright laws. In the end, it's still a matter of the golden rule. What you do comes back to you a hundredfold.

***
UPDATE: Last July 14, a correction was issued by the Philipipne Daily Inquirer on page A4 of the paper stating that the Pido photo was taken by me. As with all errata, you'd miss it if you weren't looking but I guess that's better than nothing. La Salle has not replied to my email and registered mail yet. I see no reply forthcoming.

morning meditations

Morning Meditation

Ready for long?
READY!!!
Row!
1-2-3
Eyes on the pacers, don't look down
Watch your form
50 more
Ready for long?
READY!!!
Row!

***Why do I need to hit rock bottom to be able to resurface? It's a bullshit requirement to a weak self. I can paddle. I can even be my own timon if I want to.

shumoshowbiz

shumoshowbiz

Fans congratulate actress Judy Ann Santos during the global premiere of the indie film Ploning at the Meralco Theatre, Monday. Ploning, a film by Panoramanila, is set in Cuyo Palawan and is based on a local folksong about a woman torn between following her first love and caring for a child named Digo.

For more information please visit www.ploningthemovie.com

pesky house cats

I am not a cat person, or an animal person for that matter. So i ask myself now, why for the love of all things peaceful, do I find myself in a house which have had 7 (SEVEN!!!) cats at one time. Blame it on the super caring flatmates to turn this lovely-when-it's-clean abode into a halfway house for stray kittens!

Our newest addition to the zoo is this pesky little thing. Apprently, we have managed to make it to the most esteemed cat-lady repute in the village (think: old hags with hair rollers and a shower caps on). This vagrant was left at our doorstep by who knows who in a box with some rags to keep him warm . Majen called him Dexter after the TV character who is like the Robin Hood of the serial killing scene. Dexter the cat could never live up to Dexter the killer of serial killers, though. The cat is a hundred times more sloppy and without finesse than the TV character. He tumbles around all by his lonesome, bites all electrical cords he can find falls on his behind while climbing the stairs, poops everywhere and the cat s.t.i.n.k.s. no matter how often you wash him. Urgh, i tell you, the cat's disgusting. and it doesn't help at all that his favorite time to bite your toes and legs is when you're slaving away at your computer willing your creative juices to flow like a squeezed turmeric plant.

No, I don't like cats at all. And we have lots already. So please, if anyone would like to adopt this little thing, send me a message. We'd still like him to be in good hands 'coz okay, I admit, he's also cute and endearing in his own weird kind of way...

A confession: Majen is actually not sure whether to let Dexter go but she already has her Mootzie Bear, the original Queen Bitch who once had exclusive rights of her kingdom that is our flat, but now is being overshadowed and provoked by the little one. Also, she already bewails of spending PhP 200.00 plus weekly for cat food alone. Majen, for Mootzie Bear, Dexter must go. Mwahahaha (evil laugh).

XoXo

jobless northern forays

jobless northern forays

on the road to kanawan, an aeta community in morong, bataan. the energy in this place is just amazing.

punked with my friend lai on fieldwork. despite the wonderful dusk light when we arrived, i refrained from taking photos on my first visit save from this one shot which they requested i take. kuya joe and the gang seem quite happy and proud of their new uniforms. hope they win the league. :) hope i get to watch some of their games.

more on-the-road snaps here.

quitting jobs and savage chickens

quitting jobs and savage chickens

am now officially a bum! but it's still not sinking in. the past weeks have been a roller-coaster of emotions as i toggled feelings of elation from emancipation, fear of the unknown and of being broke, optimism and openness to new ventures and adventures, sadness at the thought of not seeing workmates as often as i did before, guilt at having to leave behind people who have given me a shot and who wanted me to continue the work of changing lives, worry about the future of my team both in the institute and in Payatas and excitement at having time-off from everything and discovering what i truly want.

now i'm calmer with the realization that i will not move on empty-handed. i would like to believe that three years in my first job in the field of social development have shaped me into a more compassionate, proactive, kinder, bolder, more confident, more competent more generous person. some people have been most supportive and inspiring too. but there comes a time in one's career when you know that it's time to move on. i do not always know when to launch into things. if anything, i am quite restrained and indecisive. but i always always know when it's time to leave. i have been let go (although with a tinge of sadness and regret) freely. and they let me and half of the staff go with a wish to be accompanied with God's quiet grace wherever we may be. for me, that is enough a prayer to give me courage for whatever lies ahead.

uhrm. on a funner (ha-ha-ha) note, I AM THRILLED to discover that doug savage made me a despedida cartoon. check it:

YEAHBOY!!! savage chickens is my favorite cartoon EVER and doug is just sooooo nice. I'm smiling all over.

electro's camping adventure

electro's camping adventure

Electro went camping at Anawangin Beach in Zambales this weekend. He tried to cross the sea to Capones Island to greet Mr. Lighthouse. Alas, the boat couldn't get near enough and Electro did not know how to swim from boat to shore. Instead, he contented himself looking at glorious rock formations bathed in gold. Electro will keep you posted about his adventures and misadventures in the days to come. Now he just needs rest. :)

Two cockfighters in Area B, Payatas, Quezon City take a rest as they wait for the neighborhood matches to resume. Cockfighting derbies are usually held on weekends at town arenas but neighborhood cockfighting matches occur spontaneously all over the country every day.

luto na

luto na: feast of the black nazarene 2008

In keeping up with the times I made a slideshow of my FOTBN experience. All photos were taken using my Yashica Electro GSN rangefinder film camera. Music: "Timeless" by Kate Havnevik

For a cleaner clearer video, please click HERE.

my elctro is not busted afterall. woohoo!

after ten million years, i finally was able to finish up another test roll of film just to check if my electro is working fine. turns out it is. there just had to be something wrong with the film/me loading film/ the processing of the film the last time. now, electro, on to the next photo expedition. if only i can cajole someone to shoot at the feast of the black nazarene with me.

* last photo shot by bu.

impact

My article on hunger, malnutrition and our Institute's Sagip-Bata feeding program has been published in the December issue of Impact magazine. Grab your copies at any National Bookstore outlet now. Or... you can check out the pdf version here.

The revised version is also uploaded at collectivelens.com, a site that promotes social change through photographs. Click here to view story and photos.

For those of you who can spare even a small amount this Christmas, our Institute is open for any kind of donation (cash, check, rice, milk, books etc.). Please call us at (02) 426-6001 loc 4663, email us at jcarroll@ateneo.edu for inquiries. Thanks!