tripped upon somewhere in cyberspace:

My mother told me that all men are a little crazy. "What you need," she said, "is a man whose mania is generous and calm and large enough to include you."

good news monday

a few months ago, my flatmates and i were talking about weddings and i remember blurting out that if i were to get married, i'd like to be registered at R.O.X. or at Victorinox so i'd get all the goodies i had been so kilig about for the longest time. besides, why do newlyweds have to have only kitchen utensils and home wares? who needs five rice cookers and a lot of starter sets right? i'd rather have one of those only and a closetful of windbreakers, footwear and a mean set of heavy duty knives.

well just this evening, my flatmate marielle came home and i told her a bit about the de guia family exhibit that i went to at LRI (read: luzon rattan industries) building, the couches, daybeds, side chairs, tables, trinkets i was crushing over. she shared the interiors of a little cute place at maginghawa called "van gogh is bipolar" that she and lex visited earlier. and then i tipped her on this very cozy korean cafe along taft that my brother lloyd treated me at. and so went our exhanges of gush-able places. marielle was about to go into her cocoon when she stopped in the middle of the stairway and told me, as an afterthought, the best news i've had for a long time: R.O.X. already has a bridal registry!!! yehey. nevermind that that piece of information is not relevant to me now. Haha. it's definitely something to look forward to when and if i do get hitched!

aliiiiiw!!!



i'm not really a cartoon person. when i was younger, i watched g.i.joe, rainbow brite, arthur and some other kiddie shows but i was never a cartoon fanatic. as an adult i still enjoy disney and pixar movies (i looove finding nemo) and appreciate the simpsons and hey arnold but i don't download and collect full seasons of them. the other night, i was listlessly staring at the telly while lani was watching her staple cartoon network when i realized what was transpiring before my very eyes. the powerpuff girls were doing a beatles episode! i've never laughed out loud watching a cartoon in ages. lani must've thought i'd gone bonkers. watch the video above and then check out another upload of it with a very comprehensive annotation of references. man, that really made my day!

atrium fascinarium


creating an atrium inside a large but narrow city apartment to divide the living room and dining area and to open up the space and bring in more light? brilliant. i love it. this particular house is a bit too resort-like for my taste but i'm liking the atrium idea a lot. i'm such a sucker for interiors that soak in the exterior atmosphere. article and more photos here.

Once More, the Minister

Outside, the flies hover lonely in their sleep,

And cogon grass grows and bows, and then grows some more

To bow some more, and the air feels like it’s January

And maybe it is. It has always been this way:

Between the moment heard and the moment recognized as song,

We always have some sad distance to go. It appears then the uncertain,

The fog-thought void always between us and the palpable lush

Should be looked upon as if we had no fear of fault, as if

We had a whole country to pier our regrets,

As if in the constant practice of this gaze,

We lose all expectation for song

-EJ Galang

why o why, tinapay?

accident-prone

some people tend to lose things. i tend to ruin them. in fact, for the longet time, my family nicknamed me the ilocano term for "klutz." i break things, i burn electrical appliances, i put in loads of iodized salt into a large bubbling pot of champorado mistaking it for sugar, i slip onto a very stinky gutter creating scars on my legs, i bump into a parked scooter while playing, toppling it over and smashing the side mirrors in the process (parked! nananahimik ang motor dun for crying out loud). yup, i do those kinds of things all right.

as i was growing up, those incidents became rarer. the nickname was dropped. in a span of a month though, my laptop crashed, my DLSR slipped from my hand onto a cliff and i watched calmly as it rolled five times on a 45-degree hard concrete, plus my phone just went bust. nice. just when i'm still broke.

i realized then that the klutzy side of me never went away. my recent losses had just taken in another form. and now i try to live with the things i have destroyed due, for the most part, to neglect. and it's depressing. i'm tired of living such an improvisational life. i've had it with accepting life as it happens. i say it's time to say no to getting by!

i don't know but something's happening. i think the times call for me to take care--take care of my material possessions, my health, my time, my work, my relationships. just take care. the routine of consciously trying to protect the things that are important to me has befallen me. and i'm glad about it.

somebody's finally growing up.

motherfucking bastards.

i sympathize with the writers who are tasked or simply take it upon themselves to write about the election-related massacre in maguindanao. although i have been shaking with rage since monday, i am at a loss for words. i won't even try to come up with a decent piece about it because one, i am too shocked to be rational, two, my opinion does not really matter much in the larger scheme of things, and three, there's just too much questions left unanswered and i don't know a substantial lot about the situation.

what i know and what i hate the most is this: that whoever is responsible for this fucking carnage has just set the consolidation of this democracy back decades. imagine the work done by hundreds of filipinos just to make things right in this country. every single day they toil and devote themselves as freedom fighters, humanitarians, media personnel, development workers, peace-keepers and then this thing happens. i myself, with my very miniscule contribution to the human enterprise am appalled, disgusted and frustrated. what could those who spent all their entire lives working for this nation be thinking and feeling at this moment? does what we do really matter? does this system really work? is there even a point for fighting for what we believe in--upholding everyone's human dignity in whichever way we can?

the brutality by which the killings had been perpetuated itself does not only place us back to the nazi era of totalitarianism but even negates all human rational thought. all those brainwork and formulation of philosophies by the greats have all gone down the drain. this is not at all human. during sleepless nights when i imagine myself to be in the crime scene, i have this irrepressible urge to vomit. what could have been going on in the minds of the killers? were they even lucid? when they raped the women and mutilated organs, took out eyes and chopped off body parts, did they do these mechanically as if they were zombies or was there hellish fire in their eyes? i can only imagine the deathly silence that could have hovered over all of them--both perpetrators and victims--despite the cries and whimpers and gunshots and hacking sound of blades on bone and flesh. this is evil in the purest form.

and what for? who will gain from all of this? the stupidity of all clues pointing to the ampatuans is too simple to be true. i believe there is a web and network of motives that even extends to national and maybe even international politics. is this just a shock tactic for the current administration to extend power with the ampatuans, the mangdadatus, the whole of maguindanao, the mediamen and hapless civilians as collateral damages? or is this the handiwork of another group altogether that wishes to tip the balance of power to their side by capitalizing on public rage? the brazenness of this bestiality is so enraging especially because it is but a tool for a larger agenda and that they are so sure that they can get away with it. there's just too much lack of information, too many cover-ups. trust this incident to be one of those that will go down into history as one of the the unsolvable political enigmas in the likes of the ninoy assassination. i have a feeling that published images and stories would just gather dust in the collective consciousness of the filipino people for decades to come. i think the masterminds are certain of this. and that's what's so fucked up about it.

tonight while trying to assuage my restlessness, i was talking to a photojournalist friend on ym and we were discussing how someone we know from nujp was following a story in the area and was supposed to be in that ill-fated convoy but due to some fortunate incident had not made it to the party and was spared. but he, who apparently is being hunted by the ampatuans, is now back there heeding the call of his profession. i am gathering stories like these in my head to summon the courage to do the same in mine. and so went our conversation:

me: parang ang helpless lang kasi nating lahat. ano pa bang puwede nating gawin sa ganito?
pj friend: ang tanging puwede lang natin gawin ay huwag tumigil.
me: haaaay...tama ka diyan.
me: padayon.
pj friend: padayon.

may god help us all.

sta. cruz walks and dreamy thoughts

this has got to be my favorite building in old manila. i came across it in july and took this photo. with it's chamfered facade and art deco design, i was smitten immediately. there's something so charming about little corner buildings and tall upright windows, if you ask me. i was quite worried then than it would be torn down like the rest of the pre-war buildings we were surveying for IPC's architectural heritage of manila project. it's just so sad that instead of restoring magnificent works of art, people replace them completely with tasteless boxes of steel and concrete they call condominiums, without so much thought about how these affect the character and general flow of the environment. i was relieved, therefore when a week ago, i passed by the place again to find that the building was being restored.

it was apparent that the owners are trying to maintain the overall appearance of the building. too bad they seem to be changing the look of the shutters. i would have wanted the same pull-in ones as seen in the first photo. these give the building an interesting look when you gaze at it from below. but, i guess you can't have everything. they must be replacing them with weather-resistant ones.

indulging in the impossible, i wondered how it must be like to own that building. being the sole owner of that property would arguably make me the happiest girl in the whole wide world!

if i had heaps of money, i'd turn the first floor into a quaint cafe cum bookstore where anyone can drink good local brews, eat comfort food, bask in the cozy interiors and stay for as long as they want either with a business contact, some friends, a special someone or just with themselves.

the second floor i would turn into a gallery or artspace that exhibits the works of emerging filipino artists. there is a dearth of talent out there that just needs to be represented in order to grow. the galleries in manila are concentrated in yuppie makati and far-away antipolo. why not bring a gallery to a place very accessible to a large population of students whose exposure to art, if at all, is increasingly becoming more and more just internet-based? this will rather make tangible art less snooty and closer to the common juan. and besides, a city can't have enough galleries, i think.

the third floor? well, i would have the whole of it for myself. i can almost see it--my own loft. i already have the exact layout in my head: bed, bath, kitchen, desk where i'd do my freelance research and writing, reading futon, studio for my photographic work--the essentials. how wonderful it would be to wake up each morning with a view of sta. cruz plaza, don't you think? morning coffee at the breakfast table beside the bay window while watching the city wake up would be an instant pick-me-upper. and if i'd be very bored with my own cooking or what's inside the fridge, it'd be quite lovely to just take a walk to nearby ongpin and tomas mapua and pick up some dimsum or freshly baked bread and have chinese tea or sugarcane juice before the staff (two of them) arrives and we open shop. if it's a cold morning, the old ling nam noodle joint is just one more block away.

oh my, the joys of freestyle dreaming.

vitamins ko

okay, i attempted a joke (see previous post) and i just realized it kinda sounded sarcastic and bitter. although in jest, i've been told by many important people in my life to be too serious. i can't help it. i've dark caustic humor, sue me.

in my self-defense, i do appreciate the happy happy joy joy kind of things. although i more likely will frown at it's-so-overly-happy-it-must-be-fake stuff, i do love sincerely sweet things.

so okay, i'm making a resolution to post more happy stuff in this blog than i normally would. because yeah, i find beauty in things all the time, i just don't feel compelled to write about them as much as i do when things bother me. and yes, i know that should change. i really do!!!

so as a start, i'm sharing my daily dose of sunshine. this is what i've been playing lately after i get up in the morning and before i sleep at night. enjoy! :)

the bastardization of academic work

i feel like i'm back in school. im currently working on the initial stages of a fertility study commissioned by the NUS Lee Kuan Yew School of Public Policy and the Ateneo School of Government and have started to read academic papers again. reviewing literature can be boring for some people but sometimes, when the materials you have are well researched and well written, it becomes a joy. then, to add some diversion to your serious train of thought, you'd be able to pick out phrases which you can interpret any which way you want with no connection to the topic discussed. say for instance these two:

Exhibit A

Sousan Abadian:

The concept of autonomy has its own difficulties. Autonomy (at least, in Western terms) places the spotlight on the individual; her capacity to make her own decisions, to summon resources, and her ability to meet her requirements and of those she chooses (on her own).

In valuing autonomy, then, we must be careful, as Pretchesky and Weiner suggests, not to draw responsibility away from the other relevant actors.

Moreover, we must take care not to minimize the importance of cooperative endeavors...as an aid to achieve well-being.

Thus the term "autonomy"--if we think of it primarily in atomistic, individualistic terms as it is popularly conceived--falls short with respect to...capability to achieve well-being.

The challenge to achieving well-being in parts of the West lies perhaps in reconnecting with others in new ways--in confirming our interdependence--and not necessarily in attempts at enhancing autonomy, as is popularly understood.

Thus, greater autonomy (particularly if understood as anti-dependence) is not perhaps what all societies (or subgroups within societies) require in order to enhance their capability to achieve well-being."

Me imbibing Bob Ong:

Hindi porke kaya mo mag-isa, ibig sabihin magaling ka. Hindi porke kaya mo mag-isa, ibig sabihin masaya ka. May responsibilidad ang ibang tao sa lagay ng buhay mo. Tanggapin mo. Hayaan mo ang sarili mong makipag-ugnayan sa iba. Hindi lamang sa kakayanan mong mapag-isa nasusukat ang kaginhawaan mo sa buhay.

(kaboooooooooom! hahaha)

Exhibit B

Sousan Abadian:

"The flip-side of innovation is a perception of loss. Learning new ways involves plowing up the old: it involves, at a minimum, the loss of the known in exchange for the unknown. For many in the society, it involves the loss of a self-serving equilibrium."

Me imbibing Bob Ong:

Sa proseso ng pagtuklas at pag-angkin ng bago--bagay man, ideya o tao-- natural na may papakawalan ka sa luma. Totoong mahirap pakawalan ang nakasanayan na. Ngunit wag kang matakot sa di mo pa kilala. Kung ganyan nang ganyan, siguro hanggang ngayon lahat tayo'y unggoy pa.

(ganown!)

why? why not?

"i sure hope the road don't come to own me"

-carole king-

well, they don't make no polaroids no more.

dog food

what do you do when a visiting relative quite pointedly tells you in front of some other relatives that you're "26 and have nothing to show for?"

me, i'd drag myself to an obligatory shopping expedition, make some obligatory grunts and monosyllabic responses while letting the comment stew in my head. when i cannot take it any more, i'd make some excuse for not being able to stay for dinner, buy some dumpling mami for takeout on the way home and eat it. then i'd lose some sleep over not verbalizing a solid come-back. so i'd construct a text message telling that relative i resent her opinion while defending my line of work and admonishing her about passing judgment on things she understands little of. just because i'm not in the medical profession like most people in the family or i don't have another usual 9 to 5 job or i don't rake in a lot of money, doesn't mean i'm not doing okay. it's just not my practice to brag about what i do. and what the hell is this thing about cousins younger than me--doing not half as well, mind you-- suddenly fathering children, two in a row, and then everything becomes pink and rosy and good for everybody? it's despicable.

after pouring myself out on a 6-part text message, i'd go into numerous stages of R.E.M. then i'd wake up, remember that by experience, nothing good ever came out of texting angry feelings, decide to scrap the idea altogether and just hum a happy eheads song. and then, i'd do the most adult thing that i could for the moment. i'd make semi-yang chow fried rice enough for everybody in the casa to eat, wash a pile of dishes, clean the kitchen table top, remove cobwebs overhead, sweep, mop the floor, handwash a backpack-full of laundry, bathe and scrub the stinky couches with soap, an overload of zonrox, baking soda and downy and drag them into the sun to dry. then i'd rearrange my old project hard files, fix the dresser and my closet, do some more sweeping, wash the electric fan, scrub mildew off the bathroom walls with good old domex and have a long warm bath.

ahhh...the endorphins you get from dust and grime and sweat and detergent fumes. i really should do this more often.