motherfucking bastards.

i sympathize with the writers who are tasked or simply take it upon themselves to write about the election-related massacre in maguindanao. although i have been shaking with rage since monday, i am at a loss for words. i won't even try to come up with a decent piece about it because one, i am too shocked to be rational, two, my opinion does not really matter much in the larger scheme of things, and three, there's just too much questions left unanswered and i don't know a substantial lot about the situation.

what i know and what i hate the most is this: that whoever is responsible for this fucking carnage has just set the consolidation of this democracy back decades. imagine the work done by hundreds of filipinos just to make things right in this country. every single day they toil and devote themselves as freedom fighters, humanitarians, media personnel, development workers, peace-keepers and then this thing happens. i myself, with my very miniscule contribution to the human enterprise am appalled, disgusted and frustrated. what could those who spent all their entire lives working for this nation be thinking and feeling at this moment? does what we do really matter? does this system really work? is there even a point for fighting for what we believe in--upholding everyone's human dignity in whichever way we can?

the brutality by which the killings had been perpetuated itself does not only place us back to the nazi era of totalitarianism but even negates all human rational thought. all those brainwork and formulation of philosophies by the greats have all gone down the drain. this is not at all human. during sleepless nights when i imagine myself to be in the crime scene, i have this irrepressible urge to vomit. what could have been going on in the minds of the killers? were they even lucid? when they raped the women and mutilated organs, took out eyes and chopped off body parts, did they do these mechanically as if they were zombies or was there hellish fire in their eyes? i can only imagine the deathly silence that could have hovered over all of them--both perpetrators and victims--despite the cries and whimpers and gunshots and hacking sound of blades on bone and flesh. this is evil in the purest form.

and what for? who will gain from all of this? the stupidity of all clues pointing to the ampatuans is too simple to be true. i believe there is a web and network of motives that even extends to national and maybe even international politics. is this just a shock tactic for the current administration to extend power with the ampatuans, the mangdadatus, the whole of maguindanao, the mediamen and hapless civilians as collateral damages? or is this the handiwork of another group altogether that wishes to tip the balance of power to their side by capitalizing on public rage? the brazenness of this bestiality is so enraging especially because it is but a tool for a larger agenda and that they are so sure that they can get away with it. there's just too much lack of information, too many cover-ups. trust this incident to be one of those that will go down into history as one of the the unsolvable political enigmas in the likes of the ninoy assassination. i have a feeling that published images and stories would just gather dust in the collective consciousness of the filipino people for decades to come. i think the masterminds are certain of this. and that's what's so fucked up about it.

tonight while trying to assuage my restlessness, i was talking to a photojournalist friend on ym and we were discussing how someone we know from nujp was following a story in the area and was supposed to be in that ill-fated convoy but due to some fortunate incident had not made it to the party and was spared. but he, who apparently is being hunted by the ampatuans, is now back there heeding the call of his profession. i am gathering stories like these in my head to summon the courage to do the same in mine. and so went our conversation:

me: parang ang helpless lang kasi nating lahat. ano pa bang puwede nating gawin sa ganito?
pj friend: ang tanging puwede lang natin gawin ay huwag tumigil.
me: haaaay...tama ka diyan.
me: padayon.
pj friend: padayon.

may god help us all.