Rejection Part II

So thinking about rejection matter-of-factly, I also tripped on a nugget of truth: People hadn't told me I was awesome because let's face it, I was not. Therefore, I am not really portraying myself as a victim in this whole life situation but just one of the players. I'm just merely tracing my history in order to understand better how these may have affected the significant recent events in my life which included rejections and my subsequent depressive state.

Let me dissect my first statement. I was not awesome because I was always walking on eggshells around wounded people, echoing my childhood behavior of trying not to be bothersome or demanding to my dad lest he erupts into fits again or slinks deep into stupor. This holding back became a habit, curtailing whatever awesomeness I had in me. Sure I exhibited witticisms which amused the men I was interested in. Sure, I became flirty and naturally engaged when encouraged. But during the mundane days or days when they became introspective or detached (because of their exes or some other thing), I'd lay low and got out of the way. Sometimes, when got I tired of inhibiting my own visceral reactions and already-identified feelings just to not rock the boat, my rebellious self would rear its feisty head and I'd lash out or be sarcastic. I could not help it. Now I can see how, emotionally, I did not help at all. I was called unstable by one and sometimes clingy by another. No hard feelings, I get now why the men in my life chose others over me.

Now that I am presented with this realization, it is incumbent upon me to correct this behavior by trying to be as authentic as possible. I have to remember that I am not doing anyone any favors by being insecure and worried and cautious all the time. Sure there are times when it's more advisable to bite  my tongue or let things slide, but I should acknowledge that my thoughts and feelings matter equally and that I should also be free to express them and not obsess about how these will be perceived. These include silly talk and scandalous banter and playful gestures. In short, I should just get my head out of my ass and just be me. Who knows, I might not offend afterall and someone someday might just find me awesome. If they don't, then I'll just consider it as life's natural selection process. We find and choose our tribe and, if we stay true, our tribe should find and choose us too.