I learned that my father harbors a secret inappropriate love for someone and it's been going on for decades. He never acted on it though, for the most part because his feelings were unrequited. This answered a lot of questions I never even knew I had about myself and my family. So that was why he was often so cranky and bubbling with this palpable discontent! So that's why whenever he was not breaking things and turning tables, he was just vacant, hollow, someone who was there and didn't leave us but never really was. I have come to realize that his obsession with this person inadvertently meant rejection of my mom, my brothers and me. Now I know why my excellent grades and my piano recitals never meant anything to him. That puzzled me then.
I never held a grudge, though. I dismissed his disinterest as a character quirk. It is only now that I am confronted with the possibility that this rejection may have affected me in insidious ways.
I have been rejected twice in love. Both times I had it coming. The first person I dated for a while but he eventually chose to get back with his ex. The second one was a friend who fell in love with my cousin who didn't love him back. He later chose someone who helped him get over her. That one had the "femininity" of an old flame and the "charm" of another. Both of these men never showed me that they cared enough. Maybe I was desired by one, trusted and respected by the other, but I never really felt cherished or appreciated. They never told me, not once, that I was awesome. Someone else was always awesome, not me. And yet, I loved them.
Someone who was in love with me once told me I was awesome, but I dumped him and I didn't understand why.
Why is that we pine for people who reject us and reject those who wholeheartedly adore us and try to support us in every way?
I don't hate my dad, in fact, I pity him. It's weird that I actually resent my mother more for allowing this to go on and for instilling in me the kind of love that actually destroys you inside. Might I have loved those men because I was drawn to what felt familiar? Might I have continued loving these men because it was what I thought love to be like? My mom showed me that love is sacrifice, love is loyalty, love is being there because you think they need you to sort out their issues, love is continuing to care even if you're not thanked or appreciated enough, love is believing even at the brink of losing your sanity.
You see now that both times, I had it coming. There were recurring blatant signs, but I chucked them aside and thought men were just being men -- that is to say confused and confusing. I hadn't learned from my parents' cursed life yet at that time.
I have yet to experience wholehearted affection and a warm desire again. This time, might I be more wise to respond in kind? What if that one chance had passed? I don't regret my missed opportunity that much. I kind of knew we weren't a good match. It was cringe-y at some point. Maybe I was too young and awkward then, or maybe I just wasn't used to the feeling because I had no precedent and no example to draw from. Either way, I hope, if I am given another opportunity, I will be able to meet this person with courage, even if it gets too overwhelming and beautiful to be true.
I'm writing this down to calm myself because it's 4 a.m. and I'm being my father by default plus there's this undeniable pull to be like my mother again which I can't undo just by thinking things over and breaking things down and it's making me want to punch a face.
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