Day Seven: The 30-day writing challenge

This is harder than I thought. Of course, I would trip on the seventh day. Wait. Okay, breathe, relax. You don't have to turn in a Palanca-winning piece or even something that gets published on Youngblood. Remember, you don't need to be perfect. Evolve.

sunflower madness

My college orgmate Richie posted this on facebook today. He's crossing Europe on the monorail doing marvelous things and seeing grand magnificent places. But this is my favorite of them all. Oh how I'd love to be in the middle of all this.

Day Six: The 30-day writing challenge

I wore a navy blue floral-printed tulle top with a bit of ruffles under a black cardigan to the games today. Paired these with jeans and flats. Bad decision. Should have worn my usual t-shirt, cargoes and rubber shoes. Wearing something flowing and soft can considerably alter a woman's disposition. Now I have a hunch that men like girly women more not because of their clothes but how they act in these clothes. I mean, how can you walk brusquely in strappy sandals? Intuitively, you'll know you'd have to take slower fluid strides. Anyway, I find that I like dressing girly from time to time and not because I'd like to attract men. That's just cherry on top of the ice cream. It's just fun and gives a certain feeling of playful lightness, blithe even, when clothes cling to your body naturally. Today I felt calm and that's good right? Well, no, not in a shoot. When I shoot I need to feel upbeat, intense and aggressive so I can snag the shots. I should move around and look for better angles and shoot different scenes and people for variety, never to mind stares if I jumped over metal barricades to get to a spot where something was happening fast. Because shabbiness justified brashness anyway. But no. Today I was seated at my courtside spot for most of the time, just leaning on the cushioned wall behind the backboard. Being all lethargic and feminine. I got awful shots.

That large white spot in the middle of Northern Luzon is mocking me. I can't believe I haven't set foot in Apayao and Abra. Not that traveling is a race or a kindergarten subject in shading but it's just weird that both provinces are so near yet so far.

How much of the Philippines have you visited? Find out at Lakbayan!

Created by Eugene Villar.

Day Five: The 30-day writing challenge

It was my first time to shoot in the rain today. Although I think I had decent photos, I wasn't ready for the day at all and had a difficult time all through out.

I woke up after taking a nap from my research work just two hours before covering the UAAP opening at the Marikina Sports Center and hadn't thought of everything that I needed for the task. I usually have a checklist in my mind about what equipment and gear to bring at least a week before a shoot but somehow, my other deadlines erased all my excitement and foresight about covering the games.

For one, I had no time to borrow a long lens. The outdoor stadium was just too big for my 50mm prime (no zoom). Good thing my friend Kiko had another friend's cam and lived in Marikina so I was able to borrow a 28-100mm. But since the cam was a Nikon, the knobs didn't suit my muscle memory well.

Also, I brought a thin disposable raincoat which I remembered I had stocked from way back. It got ripped while I was moving around. I wore sneakers and naturally they got soaked in the puddles on field. I forgot my hair rubber bands so my hair was plastered all over my face. I didn't bring any plastic bags to cover the cameras so I asked a vendor for one and used my scarf to cover the other camera. I didn't bring a towel to wipe water from the lens and the viewfinder. I brought my ginormous shoulder bag which was not waterproof and which bulged funny inside the raincoat. Overall I did not have fun and the thing that bothers me is that my difficulties were preventable.

Well preventable to a degree. I realize I need to invest in a lot of things to function well in this business. Improvisation can only get you at par but not above par. Aside from the lenses which my colleagues always convince me to buy (it's time, you deserve a better lens, it will do wonders to your learning curve blah blah blah) I should also consider buying another metal-bodied camera which is more weather-sealed. Mine is an amateur unit made of plastic. Water, sand and dust get into the tiny openings. I also need a waterproof padded bag to protect what I have and a monopod for when I'm shooting while moving around in low-light. I should buy durable raincoats and rainboots with traction which I need for commuting anyway. So many things on my list. The problem is that I don't have the money. How many times will I have to explain to people that I don't have 150 fucking thousand  to buy these things!  When I see rich hobbyists with tons of gadgets which they don't use but brag about, I have this strong urge to whack their heads with one. I'll choose the 300mm--much more substantial. Life is unfair. There's too much undistributed resources.

Day Four: The 30-day writing challenge

Three major trends in terms of access to credit and indebtedness emerged in WMF after Ondoy. First, microfinance institutions, if not leaving the area, had become stricter and more thorough in processing loan requests and following up repayments. Second, informal lending operators like the “Bombay” and 5/6 boomed. Lastly, people are becoming more wary of joining these organizations for fear of not being able to repay.

Stricter MFI’s. At least six major MFIs operated in WMF prior to Ondoy: CARD, CCDI, CCT, ASA, KMBI, TSPI. Among these, CARD seems to be the most preferred.

CARD members can borrow a three-thousand-peso initial loan payable in 6 months with 15% interest. Aside from giving out loans, CARD (as well as KMBI) have a savings component while offering health insurance, educational assistance for college dependents, free weddings, GSIS financial assistance in case of death in the family.

A CARD member who had an outstanding PhP 5,000 loan explained that she has to pay PhP 320 weekly for 23 weeks. Of this amount, PhP 50 goes to savings, PhP 15 is for insurance and PhP 5 will be accumulated  every time, the sum of which can be refunded when the member opts out of the organization. As an MFI solely used for livelihood activities, members can increase loan amounts after some time up to PhP 150,000. People distinguish CARD and KMBI from other institutions  as the latter do not offer benefits except savings component.

Given the reality of increased expenses brought about by Ondoy and their lack of security of land tenure, it became more difficult for the residents to obtain loans from formal MFIs as these institutions feared that the current economic state and possible summary evictions would make it harder for them to obtain repayments.

According to one respondent. “Sila na mismo ang umalis dito simula ng Ondoy kasi natatakot din silang magpautang. Kasi dati kasi ako mismo ang nagrerecruit ng tao. Tulad sa ASA ako ang nagrerecruit nun. Ngayon, hindi kami nahuhulugan ng mga tao kaya umalis sila…Ang TSPI naman, hindi kami dun pinagpatuloy, mula ng nag-Ondoy.”  (trans)

Some people obtain memberships from other less strict MFI’s to pay their previous loan from a stricter ,more stringent MFI for fear of having their appliances pulled out of their houses.

“Ganito ang mangyayari dun, pag nagkautang ka hindi ka nakabayad ng loan, uutang ka dito ulit para pambayad. Kaya ang nangyayari doble bukol ka na dahil yung bayad mo dun, inutang mo sa kabila,” a respondent explained. (trans)

Rise of informal lending. There has been a noticeable increase informal lenders after Ondoy. According to WFM residents, many “Bombay” or Indian businessmen offer to lend residents money especially if they see that the residents have stable jobs or small businesses. Although experiencing bad rap because of their convincing and allegedly sly way of peddling wares like umbrellas and kitchen utensils, the purchase of which is a requirement for getting the loan, some people who badly need the money and do not pass MFI requirements have no choice but to avail of the option.

If possible, many residents still prefer to borrow from neighbours who also usually charge 20% interest but. The advantage is that loan cycles are shorter and repayment dates are not strictly being followed. One can always request for extension.  

MFI’s as added burden. Often, FGD and KII respondents, consider MFI loans as additional worries instead of assistance to alleviate problematic financial situations. Someone from the women’s sector said, “Wala. Yung mga microfinance hindi naman yan…utang yun talaga. Wala yun. Dagdag problema nga yun eh.” (trans)

A KII respondent was leader of 5 MFIs (CCDI, CCT, ASA, KMBI, TSPI) and had many small loans but eventually was unable to pay. She dropped out from most because she had difficulty collecting payments from her members. Now, she is member only of KMBI. 

Some stay with the MFIs only because of the savings component:  “Ang ginagawa ko sasali ako sa lending para at least kahit papaano may savings ako. Halimbawa tumabi ako, halimbawa kumita ako ng Php50, ang singkwenta tinatabi ko para may panghulog ako ganun.” (trans) 


***
Yep. still at it. 

Day Three: The 30-day writing challenge

Within WMF, grassroots organizations exist to safeguard the interest of the community. In 2002, SAMAKAPA was founded as a HOA and was given authority to administer water supply to households. Closely allied with the Pasig LGU and Mayor Roberto Eusebio, it recommended relocation of WMF residents specifically to BLISS, a medium-rise building (MRB) located within the barangay. (Insert footnote on financing scheme) Not all are in favor of this suggestion. In March 2009, the Samahan ng Kababaihan sa Floodway, Maybunga (SNKF) a women’s group organizing the community since 1998, which was instrumental in the formation of SAMAKAPA, helped create a breakaway group called The West Bank Floodway Neighborhood Association, Inc. (WFMNAI) after a 2007 legal dispute over alleged corruption in the administration of the water system. WFMNAI, which is affiliated with the non-government organization Community Organizers Multiversity (COM) advocates on-site development in WFM.

Also active in WMF are the volunteers of the Department of Social Welfare and Development’s Comprehensive and Integrated Delivery of Social Services (CIDSS) who, aside from implementing the LGU's Lusog Pasig nutrition program, also roll out the Pantawid Pamilyang Pilipino Program (4Ps), a national social development and poverty reduction strategy that provides cash grants to poor households to improve their health, nutrition, and education provided they comply with certain conditions. Other visible groups include the Pasig Security Guards (PSG), a volunteer group of men and women who patrol the vicinity at night to prevent crimes, the Barangay Health Workers (BHWs) and the Pasig Health Aides (PHA) who supervise them.

Most volunteers of CIDSS, PSG, the PHAs and BHWs are members of either SAMAKAPA or WFNAI.

The flooding brought about by Ondoy seems to have deepened the dividing lines between the two major POs in WFM. On the one hand, WFMNAI and its supporters blame SAMAKAPA for convincing affected families to relocate to the NHA site in Calauan, Laguna transplanting these households who would have strengthened their fight for on-site development into a community allegedly less favorable to their well-being. On the other hand, SAMAKAPA and its followers emphasize that to relocate would be the best and safest choice even if it meant some difficulties in adjusting to their new life outside the city. While the SAMAKAPA stands on its decision of recommending relocation, WFMNAI continues to lobby with national government agencies to stop impending forced evictions in WFM.

In all these, the barangay appears to remain in the middle—wary of the supposed environmental hazard that faces the remaining residents but, at the same time, understanding their refusal to transfer to an area with very limited basic services and virtually no opportunities for livelihood.

...
What? I have deadlines. I wrote this today...and it's crying out for edits!

Day Two: The 30-day writing challenge

There's something so desperate and humiliating about working hard for what you want. Wouldn't it be nice, at the end of your life, to have said that you were quite honestly just very lucky that life turned out the way it did, after all? The element of surprise, life being a gift rather than something you toothed and clawed for, is very appealing. But it's a juvenile and immature wish, isn't it? Even in fairy tales someone made an effort sometime, even if it was usually the prince. Princes slayed dragons, scaled let-down hair or outwitted the evil sorceress, didn't they?

An online vocational coach asked his clients to do the following: 1) make a biography of yourself years from now that is, what would you be doing, where would you be living, who would you be spending time with etc. 2) write your present-day biography 3) close in on the gap. I couldn't, for the life of me, write a single word. I have effectively lost the capability of dreaming. I partly blame the parents whom I have never heard plan something long-term, medium-term, even short-term. "We will own a house when we have the money." "Just pass those college entrance exams and we'll look for where to get your tuition." When I was little, even beach outings depended on how they felt at that particular morning. I'd be up all night, twisting and turning, almost feeling the warmth of the sun on my body and the taste of salt water on my lips, only to be told when the sun came up to go back to bed and maybe next time. One of my most vivid memories of my maternal grandmother was that of her cooking rancid milk and turning it into cheese while singing "Que sera, sera."

On the one hand society has put too much emphasis for asking what you want. Reciprocity is a value in itself--something to wish for maybe, but really, in this day and age, it is becoming more and more something to aspire for or pursue. Without this would turn you into a rug you yourself cannot respect. On the other hand, all major religions have promoted unconditional love. To give and not to ask for any reward. To let your energy flow from your core to the outside world because I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together. But my problem is not really in the not getting it but in the asking. And this may have been because of an unimaginative upbringing  but really, I'm too old to be blaming things in the past. There shouldn't be any difficulty with unconditional love then. However, I am convinced that the only difference with conditional and unconditional love is the granting of the condition. I have a strong feeling that life is always some sort of asking. I don't think I will be fully capable of that.

"We have bad timing. We've always had bad timing, haven't we?" - Will Gardner, The Good Wife 

Echo

when the mountains rise against me, i will turn my back to the sun and cut the earth with my shadow. when my mouth is dry, i will flood the heavens with resounding mercy. when my money runs out, i will write another poem, and beg the world for more time. beg it until my hands are frail with typographical errors. i will beg until someone weeps for me. so thrash about, you monsters and angels. call for the mongrels and bark out your rage. turn into a valley, exhale. and then move your chest outward with a greater force than quake. the human grain. the quest for place. trace your future to the most difficult endings. all of them should be terrible. there is nothing more glorious than to be daunted. to be halted by an ocean you wish to cross, to have no plans, to be broken by love, to be punished for your innocence, to be raped, to lose, to be so, so hungry. there is nothing more solid than transcendence. you are ninety percent blood. red, because it is as day’s end. an overcompensation of all our grief. and your body is the stone your parents cast into the still waters of creation. spill it over the silence. split your skull and let the doves fly. fly them dumb into the decibels i have left for you in the far stretches of the sky. hear me echo out my absolution. the whole of night will be my knife.


- Rafael San Diego, freshman english class seatmate whom I will forever remember humming Cole Porter's "I Love Paris" during class

Day One: The 30-day writing challenge

The reason why writers can’t write and photographers can’t shoot and lovers can’t love is that they put too much romanticism into what they’re supposed to do. One just has to buckle down and do it. Because writing and photographing and loving are work. One cannot abandon them at a mood’s whim.

That’s  me convincing myself. Because I hate that writing now on a deadline makes me weepy. I am always weepy when I write and shoot and love that it’s exhausting. And one too many times I am inclined to stop. Just stop. It’s not worth it.

I’d like to find work that I do not feel for. Just to get something over with for the day. Just something to put food on the table and clothes on my back. Why can’t life be simple like that? I’d like to be a waitress really. Or a cook. Manual labor. After all I’m good with my hands.

And it wouldn’t be like I was abandoning a dream. I never dreamt of this anyway.  

Because I take a bath every day

If taking a bath everyday is the most natural thing to do, why can't I write everyday? Well, I can and I should, if only to start a good habit. I badly need one. So, following the wisdom of Martin Spurlock of Supersize Me, I will write something, anything for 30 days. An exercise in futility, you say? Well maybe. But this essay has given me the impetus to write because like bathing, no one else can do it for me.

*photo from here

Viva!

If there's anything I've grown really good at, it's resistance. I notice that in my adult life, I resist everything:

Resist getting rich, resist living with the bare minimum
Resist sucking, resist succeeding
Resist forever burying things, resist living with dead things everyday
Resist the whipped cream, resist going on a strict diet
Resist writing, resist photography
Resist the fires of hell, resist the limits of religious thought
Resist being childlike, resist being an adult
Resist melancholy, resist unreasonable bliss
Resist normalcy, resist abnormality
Resist the simple, resist the frivolous
Resist the tyranny of words, resist empty silences
Resist irresponsibility, resist total dedication
Resist apathy, resist devotion
Resist death, resist life.

What's with the fucking struggle?

Hindi Kita Iibigin

Hindi kita iibigin

sa takot na masaktan kita

dahil ang pag-ibig

para sa akin ay punyal

na kumikitil ng ligaya

Hindi kita iibigin

sa takot na mabasag kita

dahil ang pag-ibig

para sa akin ay lindol

na dumidiskaril ng mga akala

Hindi kita iibigin

sa takot na masikil kita

dahil ang pag-ibig

para sa akin ay bartolina

na nagpipinid ng laya

Hindi kita iibigin

kung hatid ng pagpigil

ay 'yong ligaya

kung hatid ng paghimpil

ay katuparan ng akala

kung hatid ng pagpapalaya

ay 'yong paglago

Hindi kita iibigin

dahil hindi kita iniibig

lang.

- Pia Montalban