2.26.2009

music exercises

music exercises

I know, i know... This should be a (facebook!) shuffle game. I couldn't help it. I answered the questions as is. Without an ipod. Oh no, I'm reduced to answering these quizzes.

IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY' YOU SAY?
Take a Picture - Filter

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF
Intuition – Natalie Imbruglia

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Sad Eyes – Bat for Lashes

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Intuition – Feist

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Cochise – Audioslave

WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?
Within you and Without You – the Beatles

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Comfortably Numb – Pink Floyd

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU
Nowhere Man – the Beatles

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
The Only One – The Cure (Nyahaha! Right…)

WHAT IS 2 + 2?
Thirty-three – Smashing Pumpkins

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Universal Heart-Beat – Juliana Hatfield

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Intuition – John Lennon

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Put Your Records On – Corrine Bailey Rae

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
I’ll be Your Mirror – Velvet Underground

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
One Day at a Time- John Lennon

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Panaginip – POT

2.24.2009

okay, okay. my 25 random things.



I am slowly being reputed by my concentric circle of friends to be "oh, the one who isn't on facebook." It's just that it takes too much time to maintain all these social networking sites. Everybody tells me to sign up because it's fun and it serves as a good distraction. I wonder if it can really be a good distraction from another distraction. Would it work? Haha.

So the other day, Tintin thought she had tagged me on facebook to make up my 25 random things. I told her i'm not in facebook so she sent me her 25 things through email and urged me to email her back. Since i had a long day working on a project and i wasn't sleepy yet, i obliged.

Here are my 25 random things. I'm posting them here until i do sign up at facebook.

My 25 Random Things

1. I am a connection junkie. I am loneliest when I do not understand people and people misunderstand me.

2. I am an earth person. I like mountains. There’s something so comforting about the sights, sounds and smells while you’re in a mountain. Although I’ve never fully climbed one, it have always wanted to.

3. When I’m upset, I cook. Getting busy in the kitchen relaxes me. They say you shouldn’t cook when you’re sad or else the food will taste bad. I don’t care. I’m usually the one who eats what I cook anyway.

4. When I’m just a little upset, I spend time in the supermarket. I can stay for two hours in it without buying anything. The bigger the supermarket, the better. Of course, usually just a little upset escalates to really upset so I end up buying things and doing number three.

5. I pride myself for being koboy. I never can pull off being a damsel in distress. Sometimes, though, I wished I were maarte. Men like that.

6. My guilty pleasure (and the only time I’m maarte) are manicures and pedicures.

7. I love shoes. What? I’m a girl too, you know.

8. When I was younger, I wanted to be a writer. During high school, I always carried a little notebook in my pocket for when random ideas just occurred to me. Of course as I grew older, I realized I wrote crappily so I gave up on the illusion and contented myself with hyperventilating over good literature.

9. I think the universe has been good to me; it gave me signs for everything. Like I knew there had to be one big reason why I was suddenly feeling pretty low on new year’s day (I wasn’t PMS-ing), or why Eraserheads' "Huwag mo Nang Itanong" played while I was reading page 2 of a recently published local novel in an attempt to find answers to a hurricane of questions, or why a song that I liked wouldn’t download no matter how many times I tried to download it, or why Rodger Fed lost in the Aussie open, or why my phone’s #3 key suddenly failed to work one morning, or why Dexter the cat had been “caponated” against my wishes and so on and so forth…

10. I’ve always wanted to study in the Netherlands. Why? I don’t really know. I have this inexplicable affinity to the place.

11. When I was a kid, I’d shut my room and just dance… even without music.

12. My mom said that when I was three or four, I was crazy about onions. And I munched on whole white onions like they were just apples.

13. I am terrible with deadlines – I rarely submit my work on time, I pay my bills way past due dates. I am procrastinator extraordinaire.

14. I like being in transit. When I’m in jeepneys, buses, trains and planes, I am able to think. My roommate Majen firmly believes I will find “the one” in transit which is weird because I never even mentioned I like being in transit.

15. I cry at the silliest movie scenes. Like when I watched Ratatouille, I cried at the scene where the food critic tasted the food and was transported to when he was a little boy being comforted by his mother’s cooking after having a really bad day.

16. When I am nervous, I wear something red.

17. I had a long running crush on David Duchovny’s Fox Mulder. What can I say, I like ‘em brilliant but weird, angry, neurotic and unreacheable.

18. I once lived beside a very black river near an old bridge in Binondo.

19. I like architects. How they are able to balance art and science amazes me.

20. I like outdoor crowds. I hate mall crowds.

21. Stuffed toys annoy me.

22. I’m a bad gambler. I never win bets or raffles, for that matter. That’s why I don’t even bother with the lotto.

23. I have three brothers, fourteen male cousins and some very close male friends. Don’t blame me if I’m a little bit jaded.

24. I’ve never watched a concert ever before. The Eraserheads Final Set *might* be my first time. Fail.

25. I can be very hard-headed, determined and disciplined when I choose to.



2.21.2009

...and now, back to your regular scheduled programming

I let out a big laugh when a second degree friend (i.e. a friend of a friend) greeted me "Happy New Year!" on Valentines Day. It was one of her preoccupied out-of-herself days when she was blurting out the wrong things at the wrong time. But for a second, I thought that it wasn't a wrong greeting at all, at least not for me. It was indeed the beginning of my new year.

Diskaril is a word that would describe my previous year. Sometimes, when you're walking through a straight road and are in the midst of a massive road block, or you plain just get tired of walking on that same road that you've been following for the rest of your coming-into-age life, you'd want to wander off to an untrodden area and see what is in there. For a time you forget the damned road block and forget the road altogether.

The dark forested area pulls you in, you see some things that take you by wonder, you tread carefully but you go on. Somehow, the unfamiliar and the unknown beguiles you and becomes irresistable. You feel good and empowered by your taking chances and you go on. You discover that the place that seemed too dark in the beginning did have pockets of light streaming in from the canopy of trees and when you are touched by that light, you bask in it because it is the one thing that gives you strength. You love the warm feeling and you go on. You marvel at your newfound things and marvel at how you marvel at newfound things. You are alive and you go on.

After some time fear grips you and you realize you've gone in too deep. You have created a world for yourself and have begun to care for that world and those who share it with you. You consider living in that sanctuary but, sometimes, you remember the road and how you are supposed to be there. Is the road block gone? Should I have done my damndest to push it out of the way? You will think that the road may have been long but walking it was what you were supposed to do, you will be reminded that it was what you really wanted from the start.

And then you try to find your way back. You get caught up in quicksand, bitten by bugs, threatened by snakes, chased by unnameable beasts, bogged down by thick thick mud. You wonder why you never paid attention to these before. Somehow you knew they were there, but then, it was only those streams of light that mattered.

Although spent, grubby and bruised, it seems that I finally have managed to get myself back on the road.

Last week, I was at my old office for a meeting on a new research project I will be taking on. My previous boss had called me up days before for an offer. I would be part of a team that will evaluate Miseor-funded social housing projects in Metro Manila and the work will definitely fill up most of my year. That day I was supposed to meet the rest of the team in the office to talk about the research design and some administrative matters. I took my usual route to the second floor, made a bee-line to the washroom and entered my favorite cubicle like it was the most natural thing to do. It was as if I never left the place. It was as if the whole year of bumming around never happened. I paused at the realization and didn't know whether I'd feel happy or disturbed about it.

The incident stayed with me for a while and then it hit me: am I back on that road? Am I becoming more of who I am? Is who I am really the me I was before? Or maybe it's just that nothing can ever beat nostalgia. Am I hanging on too much to an old idea that just needed to be let go? Is this just me going back to what is comfortable because I am just too scared or hesitant to realize what I can fully be? But then again, what is wrong with comfort? Is it not an indicator of you being who you really are? Needless to say, it was an overwhelming feeling.

Although not without warning, my closest friends had watched me wander off to that untrodden area. They were there when I came back too shaken up to speak. You know you are at the lowest of the lows when a dear friend who loathes un-cool things, at a random videoke session, sings to you Abba's "Chiquitita" and does not kid. And you feel loved again when people step up and pep talk you up even though they've seen you do things so uncharacteristic of the person they once knew you for. And you feel lucky that a single out-of-the-blue phonecall helped you take down that road block and that little by little you are painstakingly renewing your courage and confidence to work around the road block and keep on walking.

Do I regret that one year in that dark magical place that only I and the forest knew of? No. While I was there, it was something that was all too real to me. Two opposing realities do not cancel each other out. But only one reality can exist at a particular time. And no matter how jarringly sudden, perplexing and excruciating the shift, you just have to learn how to accept this new reality.

That episode is part of who I am and admittedly has given me a new perspective on the road that I am currently walking on. It made me learn more things about myself and how I deal and am supposed to deal with the people most important to me, many of whom I had been taking for granted. It helped me be at peace with who I am. It made me no longer afraid of the person I really want to be.

It is true what they say that sometimes you need to lose yourself to find yourself again.

2.05.2009

of happiness

i pity those who can't stand being around lonely people. i especially pity those who pity lonely people. to them, loneliness is a disease and, in a frantic effort to not catch that disease, they make fun of lonely people behind their backs just to feel good about themselves and the emptiness of their carefree souls. loneliness is not the opposite of happiness. i think that the only legitimately happy people are those who are most in touch with the loneliness that lies within their very core and accept it. the rest aren't really happy. they are just fooling themselves to be so.

1.30.2009

confidence and intelligence

hahahahahahahahahahahaha.

o dear, at which point of the scale must i be?

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt. - Bertrand Russell

1.14.2009

On Art

Excerpts from the Heights Vol. LVI No. 2 Editorial by Fidelis Angela C. Tan (Editor-in-chief)

---

Art begins with inspiration, a sudden striking of the nerves so that the fingers itch to commit something to paper. Or sculpture. Or some digital medium. There's the sudden rush of vision, the desire to create. It gives one a high. The rest is downhill from there.

If inspiration alone could carry one through to the finished work, everyone would be an artist. What many people fail to consider is that works churned out in the heat of inspiration are about as remarkable as vomit or piss or excretion. Anyone can produce those.

Anyone can come across a ray of sunshine, find it fascinating, then jot down two or three stanzas expounding on this realization. And then, call it a poem. Granted, the happenstance arrangement of words may be interesting, may even go beyond good to be downright fabulous. But even then, there's only the tiniest, most infinitesimal sliver of chance that said poem might be considered art. It's not impossible. But almost.

For those who do noy make this sliver of a chance, an entire world of pain awaits. The moment inspiration ends, work begins. And inspiration doesn't usually last very long.

For the short story writer, work is getting from one scene to the next, forcing oneself to continue despite the nag of one's inner editor telling you 'no, that's a stupid thing for the character to do, no, what inane dialogue.' For the visual artist, it's struggling with perspective and color and proportion (or lack thereof), and asking why that thing you saw in your head isn't translating to reality. At this point, some people would abandon their project altogether. Some though, take the extra effort to fix those line cuts, or construct that plot, or paint that background. These are the people who find themselves looking upon cohesive works, the work of their hands, and proudly fix their names under their titles.

And then the real agony begins.

Showing someone else what you have made is a lot like a nightmare of finding yourself naked in front of a crowd. Unless you want your project to gather dust under the bed however, this next step is inevitable. It is advisable to steel oneself. Scrutiny always comes with critique.

The person with enough will to open themselves up to critique experiences all manner of anxiety, embarrassment and self-doubt. If creating art is like giving birth, with all the efort, strain and blood that goes with it, crituqe is like a total stranger slapping your baby. Or at least, calling it ugly.

It is only after extracting oneself from the muck of personal ties that sprouts between the artist and the art can one get through the task of revision. And then it's back to the work table and questioing your word choice, metaphors, character design, what you're doing anyway, is this worth it, maybe i'm not meant to be a writer, this sucks, et al.

Like accounting, astrophysics and breaking up with a sordid boyfriend, art is difficult.

***

12.22.2008



2008 had been my almost year.

· I almost hit my annual savings target only to spend what I had on a 10-month sabbatical
· I almost made it as a sports photographer
· I almost had my ultimate Boracay experience had it not rained non-stop while I was there
· I almost experienced THE concert of the decade – the Eheads reunion
· I almost learned how to process my own films
· I almost filled up the forms that would get me an ACFJ fellowship
· I almost filled up the forms that would get me into the Angkor Photo Festival
· I almost took MA classes in Sociology at UP – gut feel made me hold my horses while I was queuing up to pay for tuition
· I almost saw Malboro Hills, went biking through Batan roads and danced under the Sabtang stars in Batanes with good friends, beer in hand and a bonfire to keep me warm
· I almost loved in the real (not just emotional) sense of the word

Choices. What makes a decision? Sometimes I feel that my life would have been a lot different had I not been too rash or too cautious at particular times. When do you know that what you had done was indeed, the right thing to have done? Should I just have flipped a coin?

This year, I have discovered for myself the lessons that I had so been ambivalent about just because they were cliches. I learned firsthand that patience is a virtue, that haste makes waste, that change cannot happen overnight. For the longest time, I have been teaching myself not to want lest I set myself up for disappointment. I never ventured into anything that I felt I was not capable to achieve. Some say I am realistic and that’s good. Others tell me I’m just chicken. This year I learned to want and want badly. But fate’s immediate, painful albeit predictable retort was the reality that one cannot always get what one wants, at least not in an instant. I guess it is only after after we learn how to want and wait that patience is learned.

Waiting can mean different things to different people. For most, it elicits a negative restless feeling because waiting renders one’s faculties and abilities inutile. No matter how important a person you are, even if you graduated top of your class in astrophysics, for example, you can do nothing while waiting for a delayed flight to your in-laws place due to bad weather. Waiting also is painful in that it simply shows how we humans are not prescient. A mother does not know how her only child will turn out to be. Will he be able to maximize his talents and potentials and live a full contented life, or will he be a good-for-nothing convict who just wants to “snuff it out”?

The only antidote to the pain of waiting is hope. It is not blind hope nor optimistic blithe because hope that is most real is only borne out of situations where one realizes that he is utterly human – very limited and impotent. It is, instead, a hope that flickers like a candle light amidst a blanket of darkness. Sometimes it is in danger of blowing out, sometimes it is steadfast and still.

The challenge therefore, is for us to cultivate hope and take care of it like a lifesource, to put paper shields around it in the form of a trusted friend, a mentor, good literature and our own silent meditations. In a word, we are called to hope not indolently but proactively. And, to add another cliché, we are challenged to try and try until we reach our goals. After all, although loneliness can be that feeling of almost but not really, loneliness is really love unexpressed, it is love unshared. And loving, in the real sense of the word, is not just feeling for but doing for. Loneliness, therefore, is not achieving nothing but doing nothing.

A further challenge is to know that when we’ve done our part and else fails, we can modify our aspirations to something not necessarily easier because it is reachable, but just different because it is more natural, uncontrived and something that brings peace to all concerned. After wanting, being patient, cultivating hope, the final and most humbling thing that may be asked from us is acceptance and letting go. This is, I think, the most concrete manifestation of trusting that in the end, all shall be well and all shall be well.

I don’t know if all my choices in 2008 had been right. I think that I may have messed up one thing or another and would have been better off doing otherwise. But I am here now. And I am happy to know that although the year will be ending, another year is beginning and I pray that I be armed with the openness to want (even want the same things I wanted before), the reminder to be patient, the preliminary practice of waiting, the tenacity of proactive hoping and the humility of letting go.

10.27.2008

Travelling in Solitarium (part 2 of 2)

Sidetrip: Sagada

The following morning, Gideon and I set out with Manong Ramon and Jessica, a Taiwanese tourist who was also on her own. When we reached saddle point, a half-full jeepney was waiting to take us to Banaue. I clambered up the steel ladders. I was not going to miss toploading! An hour and a half later, my butt sore and my shirt damp from the rain, I was crazily and giddily grinning. After a quick lunch, I was in an old wobbly bus with wooden seats to Bontoc where I was instructed to get a jeepney to Sagada.

Sagada is different from Batad. Somehow it’s sadder here when you’re alone. Perhaps it’s just because most of the activities available like caving, sight-seeing, waking up to the Kilterpan point sunrise, and, do I daresay, getting high are more fun when done in a group. Or maybe, ironically, it’s just that more houses and more people you don’t know heighten the realization of your loneness. But I think, it’s also because people here while polite and accommodating when talked to, almost always leave visitors to their own businesses. If you do not want to be bugged by anybody, come to Sagada.

I chose a quaint little inn outside the town proper. I figured a considerable distance would force me to walk more and not just stay in. Gecko Inn was just the way I liked it. The fragrant scent of pine from the walls eased the senses. Hot shower, a huge window fronting the woods, Joni Mitchell from the hallway waking you up in the morning—what more can you ask for?

My gameplan had not changed. I was there to take it slow. Dinner at Shamrock café was very quiet. I was the only patron and I chewed on my fried milkfish and rice as I stared at the ceiling where a hundred pop culture postcards were haphazardly tacked. My amusement waned only after my neck got stiff out of chewing and looking up at the same time. I also realized I must have looked pretty stupid. I hurriedly paid my bill, it was getting dark and I had to walk back to the inn.
It was only 7:00 pm, two hours before the bell tower signals town curfew. However, my twenty-minute walk back to the inn was the scariest thing I had ever done. Forget the time when Gideon showed me where Julia Campbell was murdered and I realized it could easily happen to me too. Forget when my jeepney did an unexpected lurch by the cliff while I was toploading. Scratch those. As I gingerly walked through the dark tree-canopied Sagada streets under the dim moonlight, I was scared most of the occasional lone person walking through the fog and the dogs who were barking at me non-stop. I had been mauled by dogs as a kid and I shook at the idea of being bitten with no one to rescue me. But, with the help of a friend whom I hysterically called to keep me company through the seeming walk through the shadow of the valley of death, I got to base, a survivor.

My first day in Sagada was spent registering at the Municipal Hall and trying to see whether I could join other groups to split the guide fee which was quite expensive. Unfortunately, a last-minute detour to the local bakery for some hot pandesal resulted to me missing a group in just five minutes. I decided to get my own guide for the afternoon and, with a map at hand, started walking to the caves to kill the time.
Sagadans do not recommend going into the caves without a guide. This is because the caves run very deep and seasoned guides with super bright gas lamps are there to assist visitors during a very steep and slippery foray to the underworld. As for me, I figured I’d want to see at least the entrance of Lumiang Cave before I head back in time for lunch and my 1 p.m. appointment with the guide. Spelunking at Sumaguing Cave was out; I vowed to be back with some friends in the future to do it. For now, I just wanted to walk and be lost.

Along the way, I met two women walking home after buying some sugar and salt from town. I asked them whether I was on the right track and they answered that the caves were just down the road. Of course, down the road meant an hour of walking through a picturesque winding path dotted with tall pines. When I reached the caves, my clock read 11:25. I took a few photos and obliged three men, soap-sellers who had previously waved at me offering me a ride, with some small talk. I thought about my options. Going back might take 45 minutes more. With their second offer, I agreed to hitch a ride back to town. I got off from the delivery truck at the famous Yoghurt House and had a leisurely lunch: tuna sandwich, granola yoghurt and native coffee definitely filled me up for the rest of the day. I munched on my meal, writing down passing thoughts and eyeing Tommy Hafalla’s photos of mountain life which hung on the wall.

By 1 p.m., I was back at the municipal hall and met my guide Orion (do all the guides here have cool names, I wondered). Together we talked about options. I had to choose three from the six possible sites to explore in the afternoon. I opted for Bokong falls. Echo Valleyand Lake Danum for the sunset. However, Orion said that considering the time and their distances from each other, it’s better to choose other sites. I rallied to see Bokong Falls and Lake Danum only instead. Echo Valley I can do on my own.
Still, the walking. Orion filled me in with information about local celebrities who often came to Sagada. Aside from the usual tourist spots along the way, he also showed me where scenes in Piolo and Judy Ann’s movie were filmed. It started drizzling and the path down Bokong falls was slippery with fallen leaves. I was only glad that we brought umbrellas which doubled as trekking poles. I took a while to set up my gear as I started shooting.

The climb back to the cement road was better than the trek down. It was raining steadily when Orion and I reached St. Mary’s Episcopal Church. He suggested going to Echo Valley instead because the Lake would be too far to make back before dark. I hesitantly agreed and followed him through the path that led to the public cemetery. Persimmon trees marked either side. We reached spot where the hanging coffins could be seen. The sound of the steady drops of rain coupled with the knowledge that I was on sacred burial ground was a bit eerie. Our tour ended with me still disappointed at not being able to see the lake. As it was still a bit early, I spent some time walking around, buying ground native coffee, and getting lured inside a cute house that displayed some desserts. Lemon Pie House specialized in lemon pies, egg pies, tea andcoffee. For 20 bucks a slice, those pies are to die for.


Walking back to the inn after dark for the second time wasn’t so bad. I figured I only had to do it a few more times to be able to be smug about it. I was beat as hell. After shuffling through the inn’s vintage vinyl record collection (The Beatles, Burt Bacharach, The Beach Boys, The Hollies and more oldies but goodies), I was back in my room massaging my sore legs and falling asleep while at it.

In the sunshine, Sagada seems more upbeat. It was a market-day Saturday and as a lover of crowds where I am anonymous, I appreciated the action. The streets were lined on either side with people selling meat, fish, vegetables, clothes, glass wares and plastic wares, DVDs and electronics, actually almost everything. I snapped away with my old Yashica rangefinder loaded with black and white film and I was happy. An old lady approached me to offer bananas “piso ken binting” (a peso and a quarter) she said. Too bad, my bag was packed and full so I politely declined. I bought, instead, non-bulky items for my friends – keychains, bracelets. I was bummed that I couldn’t bring any of the local rice wines: bugnay, persimmon, and tap-ey, the original variety. I guess I’d have to look for these in Manila where they’d sell for double the price.

While waiting for the 1:30 p.m. last bus ride to Baguio, I decided to eat brunch at Masferre’s Inn and Café. The place which looked like a small log cabin served their food fast and the tomato and cheese omelette was surprisingly fluffy and tasty. Eudardo Masferre, hailed the father of Philippine photography, was a half-Spanish half-Kankanaey who documented life in the Cordilleras for decades, especially before modern technology started to influence local customs and traditions. I looked at Masferre’s black and white photos on the wall and wondered when I can get past shooting cultural curiosities and really start my own photo projects. I wrote that down as one of my goals for 2009 just before “get a job,” “save up” and “shape up.” Priorities, I reminded myself, and rearranged the list.

Comfort in a cold place
For the last time, I walked around and said my goodbyes to the place before boarding GL liner to Baguio where I would catch another bus back to familiar Manila. Enough already. At last I have fulfilled my Kerouac longings of spontaneously being on the road during my twenties. Being alone has its downside but it has also some rewards. Forget the “being alone there’s a certain dignity to it” quote from the 1992 flick Singles. You either are aware of your dignity or not even when you’re always in a group. It’s just that the silence that envelopes you (how great it is not having to entertain anyone or be entertained by anyone!) allows for an enriched knowledge of the self you once were, the self you are now and the self you want to be. I marvel at the parallelism: while travelling through the mountains at the center of Luzon, I was, in effect, voyaging through the bases, plateaus, crevices and crests of my own center. Without a doubt, Batad and Sagada explored with friends can be a blast (think: nights of loud humorous talks, music, alcohol and what not) but both locales conquered alone can be quite a comfort to the vagabond soul. 


For Traveling in Solitarium Part 1 of 2: click here 

10.23.2008

Travelling in Solitarium (part 1 of 2)

Sampaloc, Manila on a rainy October evening 

A stray cat darted towards the tacky pink and blue Christmas tree beside me on the second hour of my wait for a bus that would bring me to Banaue. I am seldom early but when I am, I am inconveniently so.  Now I had to brush aside my annoyance at the Dubai cook from Isabela who was trying to hit on me, perhaps to beat the boredom of waiting for those trippy pink buses to finally depart. I stifled a snicker at the lonely scenario.

Eight hours ago, I was surfing the net and making quick phone calls to arrange my five-day trip to the mountains. I have had it with two days of moping around from my foiled Batanes trip. Four months in the making, Batanes was supposed to be the ultimate vacation nearly one year after I quit my day job. It was supposed to be the last hurrah, my Ecuador in the Benjamin Kunkel[1] sense of the word, the turning point in my self-made bilndungsroman, the final escapade before I lay down my anchor at the last port of call. Sadly, a very suspicious declaration of “bad weather” put my friends’ and my plans to naught, and, because we couldn’t find a later common schedule for Batanes, all of us opted for a refund. But that morning, my bags still unpacked, I was raring to go somewhere, anywhere. I had already set aside time and money for a trip. I might as well go somewhere I haven’t been before. “Consider this practice at risk-taking,” I texted my mom, “if I won’t do this now, when will I ever do what I want in life?”

Destination: Batad

Psychology, literature and art history show various symbolic meanings for mountains. Mostly, these heightened places connote a spiritual quest. The process of repeated ascents and descents produce realizations and being at mountain peaks gives one a good hold of the bigger picture. No matter how fitting this alternate trip might be to my own spiritual impasse, when we started moving at 10:50 p.m. I was simply happy to be going.

I awoke at 6:30 a.m. as our vehicle snaked its way through the Banaue landscape. Sunrise over mountaintops, thick clouds and quaint dilapidated houses greeted me that damp morning. When I arrived at the Florida bus terminal in Banaue, I asked someone about transportation arrangements to Batad Junction. I learned that he also was a guide and can take me all the way to the village. After much haggling, we finally agreed on a price.

Minutes after my longganisa and mountain rice breakfast at Hidden Valley Café and picking up some supplies from the local grocery, Gideon (the guide) and I were riding through the countryside on a hired tricycle stopping a few times for photos and some rest. The bumpy ride lasted for an hour. Then I decided to take the two-hour hike from the junction to the village. Tourists have the option to ride a jeepney to the saddle point, a clearing in the mountain with some huts that sell souvenirs and refreshments. The ride costs P 200 per person and will cut the travel time in half. However, I don’t do things half-assed so I started walking.

As I suspected, time can mean different things to different people. Gideon’s two hours meant three and a half hours for me. No matter, I reminded myself that I was not in a race, I was in Batad to take it slow.

For novices like me, the trekking pole is a godsend. I rented one with the bulol (rice god) carving on top at saddle point for P20. At that time I only thought it was cute for photo ops, but I realized after a day that it is actually useful especially while heaving myself through steep terrains or crossing slippery slabs of stones. Somehow, I also felt more comfortable as I imagined the bulol to have certain protective powers. The walk was generally silent, only disturbed by berry picking, occasional questions from me and some trivia from Gideon. Suddenly, despite the physical exertion, I felt myself relaxing.

By noon, I was finally at the village and was settling at Hillside Inn. One hundred fifty pesos a night is not bad for a basic room with an amazing view of the famous rice terraces, now officially declared as a UNESCO world heritage site. The only thing you have to live without is cell phone signal. In Batad, there are very few points where you can detect a faint connection to the outside world and one of these points is Hillside’s paying counter where guests can leave their (Smart powered) mobiles to receive messages. Lunch for me was chicken curry and a huge heap of rice and sautéed watercress. Fresh food certainly rehabilitates a spent body.

In the afternoon, after acclimatizing myself, I walked around the village spoke to an old lady in a native hut. Immah, as she is called, does not know how old she is but says she was already alive during WWII. In my estimate, Immah is a little older than seventy. Living alone, going blind and no one to take care of her, the old lady is gaunt, her hands gnarled, and she smelled faintly of piss. I wondered how she gets by. Gideon explained that her neighbors help out, pounding rice for her and cooking some of her meals. Despite her dire state, Immah has a no-nonsense aura that is heightened by the way she chews her muma or betel nut while she tells her stories.

Immah wanted the old roof of her native house be converted to  galvanized iron. Replacing it with new cogon grass is four times more expensive. I was saddened by the reality. How many of the villagers resort to the same solution?

By sunset, I was in an engaging conversation with Ramon Binalit, a local resident and guide who, for two years now, has been welcoming guests to experience a bit of Igorot culture by sleeping in his family’s native huts. 

Toggling between English, Ilocano and Tagalog, Manong Ramon shared that the idea was suggested to him by two visitors who pointed out that travelers might prefer to learn more about the Igorot way of life than just see the sights in the area. Since then, with the help of some concerned tourists who became their friends, Manong Ramon and some other guides, have been trying to preserve the native huts despite the practicality of having to use galvanized iron for roofing. To preserve authenticity, there is no electricity inside the huts. Traditional baskets still bedeck the walls, old wooden utensils are used, fire is made inside and an amazing number of animal skulls decorate the roof’s underside for protection against evil spirits. Talking to Manong Ramon in front of a fire inside the hut did give a mysterious feeling, as if I’m part of a midnight society of sorts. I could’ve wanted to stay longer, but the dark and the rain prompted Gideon and I to head back to the inn. Dinner is served only up to 7:00 p.m.

Sunrise is Batad is magical. As I am a nocturnal creature, waking up at 4:00 a.m. is uncharacteristic. However, witnessing night lend itself to day above the rugged peaks fronting the inn’s rickety veranda is indeed time well-spent. Wasn’t it Pablo Neruda who said that if he had the choice, he would sleep less because he would not want to miss anything? How true. The whole place is silent save for the occasional rustling of leaves from the trees behind the inn and the puttering of pans from a house at the distant village below. I shivered, stretched out and breathed in the cool mountain air. Sometimes, blank is beautiful.

Omelette and toast prepared me for the rigorous day. Trekking to the top of the terraces to see a good view of the ampitheater and traversing another mountain to get to Tappiya falls for half a day took a toll on my city legs and feet. But I was having a good time despite, no, because of the challenge. I felt extremely lucky not to have fallen over steep cliffs or be crushed by falling boulders. A few months ago three tourists have been hit with some rocks and one of them had been rendered blind. Yikes! I panic slightly at the thought. I cannot not see. My eyes are the source of my bread and butter. When you are on your own in unfamiliar and sometimes dangerous places, you realize it’s not your abilities that keep you alive. You are completely at the mercy of the gods.

On the way, Gideon and I met two French men who came from Pulo and Cambulo, villages where one can see other stretches of rice terraces. I considered going there too but computing for my own version of 4 hours, I opted not to. These jolly fellows have been travelling the country for more than a month and Sagada was to be their last stop. At the falls, we said our au revoirs and hope to see each other in Sagada in a few days. I lingered, enjoying the cool waterspray and the deafening fall of metric tons of water.

Gideon and I made it back to the village a few minutes after noon. I tried the food at Simon’s Inn. Tuna and vegetable pizza and ice-cold Coke for me. From a distance, I peered at where we came from and had to congratulate myself at the feat. When I’m back in the city and feel like catching a jeep, trike or cab to somewhere relatively near, I’d have to look back to this day and remind myself how chicken-shit that distance is compared to this.

Back at Hillside, it was very still with me as the only guest. Somehow, I like the post-peak season quiet. Who knew a P20 humongous pomelo fruit and an ice-cold pale were a match?

I am amazed that it is still unusual for Filipina women to rough it out solo. Gideon said that I was the first non-foreigner he guided who travelled alone. He could not quite get it. After a while, as I was shuffling through the song hits and doing a lame version of “Wonderful Tonight” on the old guitar (G D C Em being the chords among the only few I could play), he couldn’t help asking me if I just broke up with somebody, to which I let out a burst of laughter. Contrary to appearances, I am, I stressed, not heartbroken. Solitude is just a periodic necessity.


For Travelling in Solitarium Part 2 of 2: click here 

[1] Wrote a book entitled Indecision wherein the main character sets out to Ecuador by himself to change his life.

9.28.2008

the daily grind

the daily grind



~ claustrophobia manila ~
(please click the photo to enlarge)

9.19.2008

how to beat abulia

how to beat abulia

“But what is causing you to suffer like this?”

“Nothing. Nothing’s wrong. I just think that we got out of the jungle I don’t think I’ll mind going back to New York where nothing is wrong.”

Skipping the detail of the Abulinix, I revealed to Brigid how I’d come all this way to set about changing my life, but in the end had resolved that my life was just fine as it was. “I didn’t want to tell you that at first. I wanted to surprise you with my new decisive ways. No one trusts a convert.”

“But a convert to what do you mean?”

“I don’t know. To action! I was tired of doing just maintenance on my life. You know, put on clothes, do laundry. Eat food, brush teeth. Excrete waste. Go to work. Have or seek girlfriend…”

“You did have a girlfriend?”

“New York is a really tragically unfair city—there’s such a surplus of attractive women that frequently they end up with people like me! And in addition to maintaining a romantic entanglement of some kind, generally I’d like to keep my friendships. And …”

“But what about Alice? You enjoy her.”

“Listen, a mediocre person can only be so close with other people.”

“But who is mediocre? You are quite unique. You are even very strange.”

“What I’m trying to say” – I felt a little annoyed with Brigid that I wasn’t arriving at a point—“is that I was eager to change or be converted or whatever. But my tastes, my interests, my relationships and beliefs are all really mediocre and typical, okay? And so as of today, what I’ve decided with utter decisiveness is just to resign myself to mediocrity and being totally clichéd.” She looked a lot more concerned than I felt. “No, it’s not so sad. Right now I’m twenty-eight. If a young twenty-eight. But I’m going to be ugly if at forty-two there’s still this like holy grail that I’m longing to trip over—“

“I lose you.”

“Well, I’m well lost okay? Even if I get rid of my hair, off my body I mean, I’m still only kind of good looking.” I was hurt that she didn’t contradict me. “I’m arguably intelligent in my own secret way, but not really very.” Still nothing. “Furthermore I’m misinformed as you constantly inform me.”

“You have made a study of philosophy.”

“You want to know what my study of philosophy is? It’s one enormous elaboration of increasingly total ignorance. You know what Otto Knittel said? He was like ‘Philpsophizing ultimately means nothing other than a beginner.’ He actually said that.” I shook my head.

“I like it.”

“No.” I met her eyes. “For a long time, Bridge, I’ve been thinking of myself as just a beginner who’s some kind of novice at life. But the fact is that I’ve developed a system of mediocre habit as if I’d been working on it for like two hundred years. And it’s in the rut of never learning or changing, but always feeling like you’re about to—that’s where I live, and that’s the rut where I’ve decisively decided I am now content to go on living.” Jolted with feeling I said, “And can you guess what the result of all this will be?”

“You will go on a shooting attack with a gun?”

“No.” I was suddenly calm. “I’ll become just as happy as I’ve always been tempted to be.” An image or vision came to me and I said, “I plan on becoming a motivational speaker traveling across the United States.” My eyes fill with tears in the prospect. “I plan to go around preaching the gospel of mediocrity to already mediocre men. I want to tell them that the new heaven and earth will never arrive until we finally give up on them and accept our florid total mediocrity” – I imagined the packed halls of overweight mediocrities, bald and nodding, their eyes shining with tears—“into the least little ventricle of our average American heart. Or hearts. Our hearts of darknesses!”


-- Excerpt from Benjamin Kunkel's Indecision. Dwight Wilmerding, the main character is a kindred spirit. Glad to know I'm not the only one who's messed up. Oh, and Otto Knittel never said "Philosophizing ultimately means nothing other than being a beginner." Heidegger did.


9.08.2008

contemplative photography?

contemplative photography?



(photo taken where the river meets the sea ~ Aparri, Cagayan)

"Through contemplative perception, in standing before reality naked, and letting reality be for us all that it is in itself, we allow reality into our lives in such a way that it is part of who we are and we become part of it. It is through this type of vision (rather than through our frenzied attempts to be everywhere at the same time through fame, travel, excessive activity, gluttonous involvement and monumental achievement) that our personalities become co-extensive with all that is. In contemplation, the torment of the insufficiency of everything attainable, the part of our own lives never being enough of us, is overcome." -- Ronald Rolheiser

7.25.2008

analysis is paralysis

analysis is paralysis



tanong: anong gagawin pagkatapos magshoot sa ultra, umuulan at walang masakyan pauwi?

sagot: tumambay sa megamall at palipasin ang rush hour kahit na wala ka nang pera at ang gusto mo lang gawin ay dali-daling umuwi at magmukmok. pumunta ka nalang sa book sale at maghanap ng kakaibang libro. pag may makita kang maganda-ganda, magrason sa sarili at isipin na meron at meron ka pang makikita na mas sulit sa P 150.00 mong puwedeng gastusin. pag nagsawa na, suyurin mo nalang lahat ng bentahan ng sapatos: lahat ng nasa 2nd floor building A, lahat ng istante sa department store, lahat ng mga nahihiwalay sa 3rd floor Building B. lahat lahat. pag napagod ka na, kumain ka nalang sa dati mong kinakainan pag mag-isa ka. doon sa dulo, sa booth, sa walang makakaistorbo. at doon dahan-dahan mong nguyain ang na-order mong pagkain, at lahat ng tanong na sumasayaw sa iyong isipan.

at dahil uwian na ng lahat ng mga empleyado ng mall, lumabas ka na at pumila sa taxi bay. wag ka nang maglakad-lakad sa likod at magbakasakaling makakita ng taxi agad. umuulan. huwag ka nang magshuttle papuntang marikina at mag-jeep mula doon pabalik ng aurora. baka manakaw pa ang camera mo. dito ka nalang, dito ka nalang. mag-antay ka ng isa't-kalahating oras. tutal, ayaw mo na pala muna umuwi at masaya ka namang pinagmamasdan ang mga taong may kanya-kanyang mga kausap: anak, kasintahan, nanay, tatay, kapatid, katrabaho, sarili. tutal, malakas ang tugtog na lumalabas mula sa earphones ng mp3 mo. magtaka ka kung bakit sa bilis ng hampas ng electronica at rock sa iyong mga tenga, tila ang bagal-bagal ng mga bagay sa paligid parang slow-motion. magulat ka naman kung bakit ang mga ilaw ng kotse ay naglalakbay kasimbilis ng iyong pinapakinggan. nakakahilo pero wag mong ipikit ang iyong mga mata. ito iyon, ito na yon. suspended animation. animated suspension. parang pinagsabay ang kanta at ang backmask nito. at sabay ding matatapos. sadyang mapaglinlang ang oras.

at pagbukas mo sa pinto ng taxing kanina mo pa inaantay, huwag ka nang umangal kung ang maririnig mong kanta ay "tama ka" ng eraserheads. hiningi mo 'to.

7.11.2008

a case of the stolen photo

photo theft -- it happened to me!


Last Tuesday, July 8, a photo of UST Growling Tigers coach Pido Jarencio was published in the Inquirer Sports Section with an article entitled "La Salle gets a tech, officials spare UST." to show that Green Archers’ coaching staff should not have been slapped a technical foul during an Ateneo vs. Lasalle game on July 6 for not following a UAAP rule on wearing ID’s. The controversial photo shows Mr. Jarencio not wearing an ID during the previous day’s UST vs. UE match proving that UAAP Basketball Commissioner Chito Narvasa was being selective in rule implementation.


I took this photo, which was mentioned in the article and caption to have been submitted by La Salle team officials, while I was covering the July 5 games for inboundpass.com, a website devoted to reporting Philippine collegiate basketball. I was merely doing my job. Apparently, a La Salle fan sent this photo to the Archers' team offcials who in turn released it to various media, PDI included, without my knowledge or permission.

The published image was an altered version of my photo. As you can notice, my watermark below Mr. Jarencio and Jervy Cruz' feet was purposively cropped to conceal the source. Below are the screenshots of an article at inboundpass.com and inboundpass' flickr photostream to prove it.



I emailed and sent a registered mail to Inquirer's chief photographer Mr. Ernie Sarmiento and to Bro. Bernie Oca, Director of the DLSU Office of Sports Development requesting that I be issued an erratum and an acknowledgment letter for this oversight from them respectively.

Mr. Sarmiento replied and promised an erratum. I hope that the erratum comes out tomorrow or Sunday at the latest. Bro. Oca has not yet replied but one of my colleagues at Inboundpass.com talked with DLSU coach Franz Pumaren and the latter had promised to cite Inboundpass.com should they need to use the photo in the future. I don't see a written statement forthcoming.

Image theft is becoming very rampant today. It's just so disappointing that people (very educated ones at that) become very careless, if not malicious, in their use of photos. Inboundpass.com is a web-based company. As such, it is inevitable that we upload images online. I will be following up measures to rectify this mistake. But I just wish that people be very conscious and cautious about copyright laws. In the end, it's still a matter of the golden rule. What you do comes back to you a hundredfold.

***
UPDATE: Last July 14, a correction was issued by the Philipipne Daily Inquirer on page A4 of the paper stating that the Pido photo was taken by me. As with all errata, you'd miss it if you weren't looking but I guess that's better than nothing. La Salle has not replied to my email and registered mail yet. I see no reply forthcoming.