so just a little confession: i am convinced i will never be good for anyone. it's not that i spread negativity on purpose but it's just that my aura may be emitting this kind of bad luck or something and anyone who i come in contact with is the unfortunate recipient of bad vibes. and i know because whenever people cut ties with me for long periods of time, it seems they turn all glow-y and buoyant--oh: fully functional and productive, let's not forget about that.

did i ever say i don't say "good luck" to anyone? it's been tested, whenever i say this to someone who has a very important endeavor to complete, that person usually fails or something just goes wrong. that's why to greet, i just say, "have fun!" or "enjoy!" even if sometimes these seem a tad inappropriate.

i dreaded group works in college because that meant anyone who'd be be groupmates with me would unfortunately get something less than he/she would prefer. i did fine in personal work, i even got high grades. but everytime other people get involved, it just does not work out the best of ways.

sometimes i choose to distance myself from people. even if i'm feeling extremely lonely and needy or just plain empty, i try to stop myself from initiating long chats or meet-ups for fear of depressing another person. and if other people seem to want my company, i go but if i knew they had another option, i'd do something to make them choose that other option.

sometimes i assess my life and my relationships, and truthfully i think that if, hypothetically, i would die right now, every single person in this earth that i know would go on without a big hitch. sure they will be sad for some weeks (and they won't be able to put a finger on it...it might be just that it seemed such a waste that i had such potential for doing something and making it big or being really something to someone but just.fell.short.) but they will go on. i'm trying to be relieved about that.