I'm a late bloomer. Yes I am. At least on a few things, that is. It is only now that I am beginning to explore what I really want in life. And I think it may be a little bit too late.
I entered college thinking that I wanted an economics degree. My mom thought it was one of the courses that led to getting high-paying jobs. And so she encouraged me to apply for AB Economics. I complied, because what the hell, I enjoyed my economics elective in high school anyway. Also, my aunt who had an economics degree was earning heaps of dough for the longest time. I ventured to Ateneo with high hopes in mind. But everything changed after a year. I shifted to PolSci because I knew economics was not for me. The thing is, I did not even know if PolSci was. It was just the more sensible of choices. I chose the least evil for my personality, I guess.
I liked my new department. I liked my new block. I finally felt that I belong. I've made friends who are definitelty keepers, rushed 20-page individual papers with them overnight (11 font,1.5 sp mind you), laughed about weird teachers who look like they could match profiles of serial killers. I was having a blast. However, no matter how I understood the field of study and no matter how competent I was at it, I never quite truly felt for it. I was never passionate about politics. I had interest in it, sure. This is the result of watching too much news and public affairs TV shows and reading too much of newspapers and news magazines when I was growing up. But I do not really envision myself as a political analyst, a bureaucrat, or a PolSci instructor.
What do I envision myself to be then?
That's just it, because I still don't know. I'm 20 years old. My friends have jobs. Some are going to law school. And I don't know. I think I've spent too many days I my earlier years envisioning myself as having an economics degree that I was not able to explore other options. And now Iâ'm doing the exploring thing all over again. And it sucks that in this age, I feel so unsure of myself, more so perhaps than I did in my adolescence.
I have wide-ranging options. I know my main objective though. I have vowed to myself that no matter profession I land onto, I would be helping other people. But that's as far as it goes. Neat, huh? Not.
I am considering writing and doing some research work. Research, perhaps I can do. In fact, I also see myself doing some research for news and social issue magazines. There is a job opening I think for Intersect magazine and I plan to submit my resume. let's see what happens. Writing, though, is a different thing. I mean who am I kidding? Objectively, my writing is lame and boring and I know it. It's too high school-ish, I realize. It is limp. It lacks the vitality of better vocabulary and witty remarks. No, I have a long way to go before I could start writing publishable material. I'm considering a career in development studies also. Too bad, I did not just shift to the development studies earlier. (Reminder: no regrets. Right...) I am surfing the net for universities that offer an MA in development studies abroad. But there's no way my parents could afford sending me to school abroad right now. I'm only getting some ideas for the future.
Still, I'm stuck and I'm getting nowhere. It' so excruciatingly slow. I get insomnia for thinking and thinking but my thoughts only ferment in my brain and it gets so damn, uh, I don't know...tiring. My face breaks-out, I get mood swings, I get hostile and lash out at my parents for no apparent reason. Aaaaaarggghhhhh! Now, I’m feeling more sympathetic for angsty thirteen year old brother. I mean, this is hell.
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