escapism?

Too tired of thinking which path to choose in life, I just let go.

For two weeks now I've been in our northern sleepy town of Aparri. I am slowly settling in. It's difficult when you've been accustomed to city-life and you come back to your hometown. Suddenly the roads seem to get narrower. The priest's sermons seem to get cornier. It gets hotter, dustier, slower. The people even seem to be darker than you remember them to be. (Not that it matters. Just an observation.) It's sad that the town that I have loved all my childhood has turned into a place that gets into my nerves. And I don't understand why. I come home after deciding a lot of things from the retreat and I feel that I am being mocked. I planned to stay for a while in this town, embark on a self-improvement summer program, and catch up with famlily affairs but so far, I've done nothing productive. Our house is a mess. I sleep late and wake up late (to the chagrin of my business people parents). I never exercise, I binge on whatever food lying around the place. I feel terrible.

I think that the excitement and enthusiasm I had before I arrived have been tempered by the all-too real relations I have with my family. It's easy to plan things to do for yourself and for other people when you are not in contact with other people. In your mind you can do what you want without other people telling you to do otherwise or do things this way or that way. In your imagination, nobody will disagree or seem hesitant or look ungrateful. When you plan things it takes a little bit faster to work because you tend to overlook other factors like the heat, the procastination, the unavailability of ingredients, the incessant settling in of dust, the boredom etc. etc. But, I realize that I am in the real world with my family. Although it's easier for me to live alone, for now I can't because I made a promise to myself to stay here for a while and help in the family business. So I guess I'm stuck.

I know. I know. There is a deep-seated issue here I haven't resloved yet. It's not the town I hate nor my family. Somehow I know that there is something in me that makes me irritable. Maybe it is the usual question: What do you want to become in life? See staying here for 6 months or even a year won't matter as long as I already have something to look forward doing in my life. But I have none. And that's sickening. Older friends tell me to take my time. A lot of people still do not know what to do after graduation. And so I try to chill. I've started cooking again. Yesterday I baked butterscotch oatmeal cookies and cooked dinner (pork barbeque and buttered veggies). I'm starting on simple dishes and I plan to gradually try more complicated ones. My goal for the summer: chocolate souffle with to die for icing topped with strawberries. yum yum! I hope I can get hold of those elusive ingredients. (Imagine, in order to buy parmesan cheese you'd have to travel 2 hrs. to Tuguegarao because the groceries do not have it here.)

So far, I'm starting to relax and have fun. Until when? I try not to care.